


antisocialites watch a wilting flower

by det395



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Animal Shelter, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, Surgery, description of injury in animals, emotional cheating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-06-20 07:35:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 70,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15529335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/det395/pseuds/det395
Summary: Phil's an emotionally attached and loving vet and Dan's the drained receptionist with no dreams at the animal shelter who reconnect over the poor, hurt puppy dropped off. Dan's boyfriend is their boss.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Said you'd go to work  
> In the waking hour  
> In fluorescent light  
> Antisocialites watch a wilting flower
> 
>  
> 
> (title and beginning notes from the album "Antisocialites" by Alvvays)

 Jeremy leans over Dan’s desk, peaking back over his shoulder in such a way that Dan knows some juicy office drama is coming.

 

“Phil spilled the entire case of clean needles doing fuck knows what. Now, since it’s such a danger hazard, I need to write up a damn health and safety report and then we have to get them all sterilized again since they touched the dirty-ass floor.” His story is accompanied by a dramatic eye roll and a deep-set frown. His face is a little red, more of an indication that he’d held himself back from yelling at Phil than anything.

 

Dan laughs despite it all, muffling the noise behind his hand and letting out an amused “oh man”.

 

“Shut up, it’s annoying as hell,” Jeremy says, pushing back his blonde, curly fringe, a style similar to Dan’s.

 

“How did such a clumsy guy become a vet, anyways? Who gave him a degree and said yes, this guy can put a needle in a living being,” Dan jokes.

 

“I know. I think it’s a spatial awareness issue. It’s a liability.”

 

“Pfft, shut up. It’s not that serious.”

 

“Whatever. If he breaks any more tools he’s getting another write-up,” Jeremy wipes his mouth with his thumb, eyebrows still set in a bit of a frown. “Hey, still good for lunch? Not too busy?”  

 

“Yes, but I need real cheese.”

 

“Uh, it’s my turn to choose. Substitutes aren’t even that different.”

 

“God, I hate your fucking vegan restaurants. That meat and cheese is literal rubber.”

 

“Watch your language, that kind of stuff can get you fired around here. Get back to work, subordinate,” Jeremy winks before walking back to his office. Dan jokingly scoffs at him but picks up the first paper on his desk anyway, as though he is really going to work right now.

 

Dan leans back in the office chair when Jeremy disappears completely, edging it back as far as he can balance. His eyes scan the papers on his desk and the old PC monitor with swirls of colour on the sleep screen. He has probably memorized the dreadful pattern by now, shooting stars of rainbow fading off into the blackness.

 

He wishes Jeremy didn’t always hide in his office all day. He _really_ doesn’t want to work, and the day is just starting. It’s hard to get the motivation when he knows he can fill out all the forms and reply to all the emails within the last hour of his shift.

 

It’s a quiet day. Not many people are adopting pets a couple months after Christmas. Lots of pets are found abandoned on the street around this time, though. Bitterness rises in his mouth thinking of all the disgusting owners who’d taken on more than they could handle and given up, kicking out their animals to the cold streets. God, all the animal lovers around were rubbing off on him.

 

The only noises he can hear are the odd barks from the warehouse, the swoosh of cars from the street out front, and, most predominantly, the clock on the wall behind him. Tick, tick, tick. It might as well have been hammering his head at every second. He hates that damn clock, an ugly thing covered in a water painting of bluebirds in a pond making it hard to even read the time. Who thought that was appropriate for an animal shelter? They don’t even take in fucking birds.

 

This job is kind of soul-sucking. The moments where he is leading a family into the back to look at pets and walking them out the door with an animal in arm are the only fulfilling times. He could swear some of the animals looked back at him, eyes big and hopeful, as if to say goodbye, can’t wait to leave this hellish, loud place and be loved by Sue and Carl here.

 

He is probably happier than he would have been as a lawyer, though he can never know for sure. Receptionist hadn’t been one of his top job picks, either.

 

The chime rings and his head snaps up to see a plump woman pushing the door open with her back while holding something in her arms. She turns, and Dan can immediately see the tracks of tears down her cheeks and her face screwed up in a grimace. A dog—puppy—is in her arms, looking limp and not clean at all. Oh shit, this is a bad one.

 

He stands up, muttering a greeting as friendly as he can muster.

 

“Hi,” she sniffles, standing her ground a few feet away. “Is this shelter no-kill?”

 

“Uh, yeah. I mean, for the most part. If an animal is too injured for their well being or if the shelter fills up or if there’s another evaluation, then uh, they may be euthanized. Most shelters are still like that.” He stays put, watching her look down at the puppy with sorrow.

 

She nods, clearly mulling it over in her head.

 

“I found this stray puppy on the side of the road with no collar. Out rural, someone had probably dumped him. God, I’ve never seen a sadder little puppy. His arm is all bent out of shape, I’m worried it’ll have to be amputated.” She steps forward and Dan holds out his arms to take the dog. Only now can he see the faint breathing. At a closer look, he can see how matted the hair is with mud, brown fur completely dirt speckled and rubbed off in some parts. The dog weighs very little for how long his little body is.

 

“Our vets will decide and do the best for him,” Dan says, peering over. His heart lurches for a second and he is momentarily scared he might drop the dog.

 

The little front arm is not pointing in the right direction, not at all. He feels a bit sick suddenly, alarmed by how delicate this little animal is. His breathing comes in wheezes if Dan listens close enough. He’s squirming ever so slightly, not strong or panicked enough to scramble away.

 

“You’ll take care of him, won’t you?” She looks so genuinely worried it makes him feel a bit nervous.

 

“I promise you, everyone here is completely committed to helping strays and getting them to nice, loving homes,” he says, for the umpteenth time in this career. It comes out a bit dry now.

 

“Alright. I can't take care of him, I wish I could, I have eight cats at home already! Can I come visit if he gets better?”

 

“Yes, I’ll be here at the counter for you. He’s good in our hands now.”

 

“God bless you,” she says.

 

“Will you wait here, I need a signature if you don’t mind.”

 

After she nods, he spins on his feet, carrying the dog into the back, pushing through a swinging door to the clinic section.

 

“Phil!”

 

He can hear steps clomping nearer to him in an instant and Phil appears through the door, clad in a blue uniform that looks like it’s never been ironed before. It needs to be patched up, too, threads loose all over from scratches and whatnot.

 

“Oh! Puppy!” Phil exclaims, as though he is surprised to see an animal arrive at the animal shelter.

 

“Not in good shape.”

 

“Right, bring them to the table here,” Phil helps Dan steadily put the dog down on the tall bench, mimicking the gentleness that Dan is using.

 

“He was found on the side of the road, rural so who knows how long he was out there. She pointed out his front paw, look,” Dan beckons to the broken bone, looking over Phil’s shoulder as he examines closer.

 

“Oh dear. Oh, you poor thing,” Phil leans in close to the dog’s face, his voice solemn.

 

God, this job is fucking depressing.

 

“Oh, look at how sweet you are. This kind little face.” Phil pets the dogs head, probably the spot with the least dirt. Dan moves closer to see the puppy holding eye contact with Phil, calm as can be.

 

He’s a little dane, lanky legs and a long, skinny body matted in brown fur which is probably not so dark without the mud. His nose and the tips of his ears are darker than the rest of him. His eyes are so big and round, a lovely, warm brown. Big, sad eyes.

 

He sniffs around, finding Phil’s gloved hand. The movements look tough.

 

“I have to get the signature,” Dan murmurs, but Phil is too distracted giving the puppy attention to notice.

 

He gets the ladies signature and sees her out the door. His job is done now until Phil brings him the checkup files.

 

He hesitates at his desk, rocking on his feet before walking back into the checkup room to see Phil holding a bowl of water for the dog.

 

He’s not allowed to be here, technically. He doesn’t know why he walked back

 

Phil gives Dan a bit of a funny look but doesn’t say anything. “Needs some TLC before the shots. Then we’ll get him cleaned up. He’ll need to have his leg amputated, the bone is snapped completely,” he says.

 

The dog laps up water like he’s never drank before in his life. Phil fills up two bowls for him. The dog is beginning to try to stand, leaning forwards towards Phil. Some kibble comes up next, but after a few bites, it doesn't seem like he's very hungry.

 

“Oh, you’re so sweet, aren’t you? No hassle, no barking. But I'll need you to eat more soon.”

 

Dan walks forward and pets the dogs head. His fur is coarse with dirt but that will be better soon. He almost expects Phil to yell at him for not wearing gloves but Phil isn’t like that. The dog looks up at him, God, right _in_ his eyes. Dan couldn’t look away from that pleading gaze if he tried.

 

“Hello, there,” Dan says sweetly. “You’re in good hands, don’t you worry pup.”

 

Phil smiles at him while he grabs a few vials and sets them down on the counter (not very delicately, a few topple over and nearly roll off the counter, Dan sees).

 

“This won’t hurt a bit now, trust me,” Phil says, tapping at his syringe. Dan steps back for this now, watching as Phil (slightly shakily, but gentle as ever) gives a series of shots, holding the dog still, not that he was going to jump up anyways. Rabies, distemper, canine hepatitis, some other one Dan always forgot, and Lyme disease.

 

Dan hears small whines from the dog, high pitched and quiet. He winces, almost wanting to cover his ears, but he continues watching Phil anyways. It’s been at least a year since he watched any of the vets' work, let alone Phil.

 

Phil chews on his lip when he works, looking a bit like a deer in the headlights, unendingly nervous for any and all animal’s wellbeing. He’s tall, possibly as tall as Dan without the bad posture, and skinny everywhere aside from his broad shoulders. As if the muscles never grew in when he hit puberty, but Dan knows he is much the same from sitting at a computer all day instead of exercising. Phil has jet black hair, though Dan can spot his light roots at times when it’s pushed back in a messy quiff. He’d first come in with a fringe plastered to his forehead, making a wave of nostalgia wash over Dan for his own emo phase. A phase of liking emo boys and the aesthetic, at least.

 

Phil has rosy cheeks and stylish glasses and the brightest eyes. He tries to never stare, always setting his eyes on something else in the room, so Phil’s face kind of seems like a blur in his memory.

 

Phil scribbles on a clipboard behind him. That will turn into Dan’s job to file away soon.

 

“Now, what should we call you?” Phil looks up at Dan, raising his eyebrows.

 

“Doesn’t naming them get you more attached?” Dan asks, smiling.

 

“No…I have no emotional attachment to Belinda, Billy, Bobby, Barry, Brenda _or_ Thor.”

 

“How about the Susan’s?”

 

“We don’t talk about Susan 2.”

 

“Right.” He snorts, sauntering closer again. Susan 2, a chubby tabby cat, had actually gone off to quite a nice family and was renamed Tigger. Phil just has a strange sense of humour.

 

Dan looks into the dogs face again, the little no name.

 

“He looks like a little bear cub with his big black nose,” Dan comments, tilting his head.

 

“Bear is a cute name. It’ll match up with all the ‘B’ names, too. Do you like that name, Little Bear?” Phil keeps peering down into the puppy’s face, who seems to be trying to stand again before Phil pets his head to relax him. There has to be some kind of rule that Phil is ignoring about putting your face right to the mouth of a stray animal.

 

The door opens behind them, making Phil jump ever so slightly at the movement. Dan turns to see Jeremy peeking in. He steps a couple feet away from Phil.

 

“There you are. You’re not really supposed to be back here, you know, Dan.” Jeremy says, a funny look on his face.

 

Dan holds back a roll of his eyes. It's endearing that Jeremy tries hard to be good authority around here, but who wouldn’t give their significant other a bit of leeway?

 

“Look at our new addition. This is Bear.” Dan puts his arms up to showcase the little dog.

 

“Stray, has had all his shots and needs to be fed and washed, I haven’t looked to see if there’s any cuts or infections yet. We’ll have to schedule a leg amputee, too.” Phil always sounded a lot more professional around Jeremy. Dan could see where the intimidation came from, Jeremy always standing tall and strong with a deep, masculine voice and piercing, green eyes.

 

“Phil. You know we can’t just put our expenses into amputees. That’ll be the responsibility of whoever adopts it.” Jeremy says, with a disapproving gaze. As though Phil is a small child.

 

“He’s been chewing on his leg already, look at the raw skin. The fracture is really hurting him.”

 

“And what if no one adopts him? We just put him through an expensive, near traumatizing surgery for no reason?” Jeremy asks, undoubtedly rhetorical. Phil falters.

 

“The puppies always get adopted, though.”

 

“Not the mutilated ones.”

 

Phil is quiet now. Dan shrinks back to the opposite wall, listening to Jeremy clear his throat.

 

“Anyways, lunch, Dan? That’s why I came looking for you.” Dan nods, walking to the door. He feels a hand go around his waist to lead him out. “Phil, listen for the chime if anyone comes in. You’re in charge ‘till we’re back. Don’t you dare let this one get attached to you, you know the young ones are tough. You’ll only make it worse in the end.”

 

Dan looks back once more, shooting an empathetic smile at Phil, but Phil doesn’t look up. Phil always avoided his eye contact, too, always staring down at the floor to avoid looking at Dan.

 

***

 

When Phil had first started working there, in a bright uniform paired up with a relatively outdated fringe, he was always nervous. At least, he was in their first meeting.

 

He looked a bit lost, following around their other vet and staring around at every little artifact in the building. Dan watched them come in and out of doors, deep in chatter. There was something weird about the new guy. Awkward hand movements, darting eyes, childlike laughter.

 

They introduced themselves in the staff room which was little more than a storage cupboard. This hadn’t been on purpose either, and not how smooth Dan had imagined himself to be, with his plans to saunter up to Phil and crack a few jokes. Rather, Phil stepped in and looked as though he had walked in on Dan in the shower rather than Dan just sitting on his iPhone with a turkey sandwich in front of him.

 

“Oh! Sorry, can I sit here?” Phil beckoned to the single table they had.

 

“Of course, I’m not trying to monopolize the only staff table the budget can buy us” Dan laughed awkwardly.

 

“You’re the receptionist person, yeah? I saw you working there.”

 

“That’s me, yeah. Stuck behind the desk all day doing nothing but staring into space with existential dread. I’m Dan.”

 

Phil stared at him strangely for a couple moments but moved on promptly. Dan tried to keep the cringe off his face. He rambled strange things when he was on the spot.

 

“I’m Phil, one of the vets! I just moved here. Well, I moved back, I grew up just in Rawtenstall. You don’t sound like you’re from here, though.”

 

“Moved from Reading, back in 2010. I’ve picked up the accent a bit, though, I didn’t think it was so obvious anymore.” Dan watched as Phil pulled out what looked like wrapped up slices of leftover pizza.

 

“I’ve been around my uber northern family for a few weeks now, I could pick out any tint of accent after that.” He proceeded to speak in an exaggerated accent, some random saying that Dan had never heard popping out of his mouth.

 

For some reason, when Dan had first seen Phil, he knew they would be close friends. It was like a life ahead of them flashed before his eyes.

 

***

 

“You shouldn’t be so harsh on Phil,” Dan says, stirring around the salad he got. Fresh lettuce, avocados, pecans, cranberries, and a sweet sauce, it is actually quite good.

 

Jeremy sighs, taking a big bite so Dan has to wait for the response.

 

“I like the guy well enough, you know it’s nothing personal. It’s his working habits.” Jeremy finally says.

 

“He’s the best vet there, everyone knows that.”

 

“He fixes up the animals good, sure, but then he leaves them with emotional trauma.”

 

“You’re _so_ dramatic, God,” Dan says, letting the annoyance drip into his voice.

 

“Am I?” Jeremy’s voice raises just slightly too much, making a few heads turn towards them. “He sits at the cages and cuddles and plays with all the pets, sneaking in extra treats which I’ve told him time and time again is against the rules, and then they all think he’s the mother bird or whatever. He leaves work and I hear the puppies crying, they probably go off to new families with abandonment issues!”

 

Dan fixes his eyes on his salad, appetite fading. “He’s not so bad anymore.”

 

“How about all the shit he breaks? I don’t know how he hasn’t killed a few of our pets.”

 

“He has never even hurt an animal!” Dan puts his fork down, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. He shoots a glare across the table, feeling his heart pick up with the adrenaline of his anger.

 

“Don’t make this into a fight, babe.”

 

“Stop being a dick and consider what I’m saying.”

 

“What’s got you bothered about Phil now? You best friends or somethin’?” Jeremy’s voice is cold and accusing.

 

They stare at each other for a few moments, unwavering and tense. Jeremy breaks first, sighing in defeat.

 

“Listen, I’ve just been stressed. The fucking tories are cutting back on the shelter budget and I’ve been getting locked down on cutting costs and trying to fight with them. You know I love those pets and want the best, still. Phil is just the cherry on top of everything going wrong, sometimes.” Dan leans forward now, inching their hands together behind their drinks.

 

Dan sighs. “Hey, I get it. You’re a good supervisor, ‘kay?”

 

“I’ll try to be nicer to Phil, okay? But that dog isn’t getting an amputation, I can’t spare it.”

 

Dan nods, poking at his food with a fork. God, he wants pizza.


	2. Chapter 2

He arrives at work the next day, opens up his emails, spreads out the forms, listens to the voicemails, then sits back in his chair to stare out the window.

 

He wishes he could download Guild Wars 2 on this PC but it would surely make the slow hard drive explode. He could play solitaire but he is determined not to turn into that sad of a receptionist.

 

The dog is on his mind. He has been all morning after a lovely dream he had. It's fading around the edges of his memory but he can still remember the puppy, alive and healthy, running around in a meadow with blue flowers. Four legs and all, he thinks. Dan ran around with the dog for who knows how long, feeling the wind on his face. His lungs never began hurting even though the dream lasted an eternity, he only felt exhilarated. When Jeremy woke him up, he wanted nothing more than to slip back into that universe.

 

The little Bear. What had happened to him? Maybe hit by a car, maybe abused. A lot of the abused dogs turned out to be more aggressive but maybe this one was so weak he couldn’t muster it. Maybe Phil’s hand is ripped off by now.

 

He spins on the chair, pushing himself around with his feet. It doesn't seem fair that such a sweet animal has to be in pain. Sometimes he wants to euthanize the animals himself, not out of some violent desire for blood, but to stop the crying. All the animals covered in scratches, ticks deep in their skin, limping around and crying. They must get depressed as fuck in those cages.

 

Animals heal fast, though. They lick their wombs and power through. Especially with Phil around, animals were all bandaged and opening up to humans in no time, eating all their food and playing around.

 

Bear probably looks worlds better. It was the only drop off they had the day before, Phil had probably cared for it his whole 8-hour shift and Dan is itching to go see. He peers over at Jeremy’s shut door. He can’t really get in trouble, anyway. Anyone can go back to the animal enclosure.

 

He gets up and begins walking down the hall, peering at signs about safety around the cages. “We are not liable for any injuries”. Ads depicting the cruelty of breeding over adopting. It isn’t the most welcoming place.

 

He turns the corner and there Phil is. It makes Dan falter for a moment.

 

Phil is leaning back in one of the chairs in the corner, a big armchair with lots of scratches on it. Bear is in his lap, peering up at Phil and getting his chin scratched. He has his mouth stretched open in what looks like a wide smile.

 

Bear turns his head to Dan and Phil finally looks up, a smile spreading on his face.

 

“Hey!”

 

“Hey. I had to come 'n see how Bear was.”

 

Dan inches forward, mouth slowly falling open. He can now clearly see that dog has smooth, chocolate brown hair and a black snout. Patches of hair are shaven and raw with red marks but he looks better after the dirt is gone. His paw is wrapped up in a little blue bandage and his eyes are bright.

 

“We were right, he is the sweetest little thing. He’s so cuddly and mellow. He’s eating good and even walking around on his three legs, just a little.” Phil smiles at the dog as if it was his own child in his arms, Dan thinks.

 

“What a beautiful dog.” After a moment's hesitation, Dan kneels and holds out his hand for Bear to sniff.

 

“Here, hold him.” Phil is already picking up the dog and leaning forward so Dan has no choice but to sit his ass down on the cold, cement floor. Phil puts the dog on the floor in front and he stands for a moment on wobbly legs until Dan says “c’mere” and pats his thighs where the skinny jeans strain against his legs.

 

Bear limps forward, putting little weight on his bad leg, and Dan lifts him up into his lap. The dog doesn’t protest at all, he rolls back easily and lounges across Dan’s legs, a bit floppy.

 

He looks up at Dan, letting his mouth fall open with a pink tongue flopping sideways. His breath smells like rotten fish. Dan smiles wide, knowing his dimples are popping.

 

“God, Phil, how did you do this? He looks worlds better.” He looks up at Phil and Phil beams at him. Dan looks away quickly, scratching the dog up and down his back.

 

“He’s a trooper, I can’t believe he’s so friendly and happy. It’s true that dogs don’t show when they’re in pain much but this little one seems truly calm.” Phil clambers off the chair and sits on the floor next to Dan, a few inches of space in between, and looks at the dog with so much fondness. Is this what Phil does all day? Sit on the piss and shit covered floor to give love and affection? Dan feels a bit envious, suddenly.

 

A dog barks to the side of them. There is a lot of rustling and Dan looks across the room at the cages. Turnover happens more often than he comes back here, he doesn’t recognize all the animals and there’s a great deal of them to even look at. A metal cage lines the wall, separated every few feet to make little private spaces. There are stainless steel bowls and towels laid out for beds. Despite all of Phil’s begging for cat trees and beds and more toys, the shelter just couldn’t accommodate the cleanup and the destruction of everything by strong claws and teeth.

 

Cats and dogs are separated, and lots of cats are squished into just a few cages but it looks like they just sleep across each other, anyways.

 

He doesn’t really want to look at all the sad eyes anymore.

 

“It’s full, I know. I have Bear alone now but I might put him with Belinda soon. She’s calm.” Phil says. Before Dan can react, Phil leans forward to his lap and kisses Bear on the head.

 

“Phil,” Dan tilts his head in disapproval.

 

“I know, I know.”

 

“I know it’s your thing to deal with when you get attached to animals, but you can’t be letting them get attached to you,” Dan says. God, he sounds like Jeremy now.

 

“Shit, no I know. I gotta put him back soon. It’s just that he cries when I walk away and he looks so sad and then when I give him attention he’s so happy! I swear I haven’t been doing this with all the animals, I’m just struggling with him. You’re right, though, Jeremy would be mad. We should put him back.” Phil speaks fast, voice almost in a whine. Suddenly arms are around the dog, careful not to touch Dan’s thighs. He stays still, letting Phil lift the dog and help him to stand.  


“C’mon, good boy.” Phil scrambles up and leads the dog to the cage on the far left. Bear hops, curling his hurt leg up to his body, slowly making it to the cage. Phil pushes him the rest of the way in and closes the door. As Phil walks away, the puppy cries.

 

“God, I think I’m falling in love with this dog.” Phil pouts. Dan scrambles to his feet and stands a bit awkwardly, unsure how to comfort.

 

“I keep thinking about him, too. He’s a special one.”

 

“Some animals just find a way to your heart. Bear is very intuitive to your emotions.” Phil says matter-of-factly.

 

They look over and Bear comes right up to the fence, sticking his tiny nose through the diamond hole in the wires. It looks like his smile has turned into a frown, with sad downturned corners in his mouth.

 

“Can dogs smile or frown?” Dan asks.

 

“Yes!” Phil says, so loud it nearly makes Dan jump. It creates a louder stir within the cages, surely a couple cats have woken up. He hears a meow. “When they feel happy their faces relax which makes their mouth hang open and their eyes shut partially and it looks like a human smile.”

 

“So he’s not very relaxed right now?”

 

“No. Ugh, I want to hug him and make him happy.”

 

“C’mon, we’re taunting him being in front of his cage.” Dan beckons him down the line of cages.

 

“Do you not have much to do?” Phil asks, following.

 

“Huh?”

 

“You never come to hang out with me in the back. Or the clinic.” Phil shrugs.

 

Dan shifts his weight on his feet, wondering if he could convincingly tell Phil he’d been busy or something. Busy for the last year and a half.

 

“I mean, I’m not complaining! I get so caught up with animal relations that I forget how to speak to humans sometimes. But yeah, just wondering why you’re wandering around now.” Phil stares at the cages while speaking to Dan and when he glances at Dan, Dan instinctively lets his eyes wander. He wonders if the awkwardness will ever leave them completely.

 

“Oh. I mean it’s always pretty boring up front. It’s just...Bear. I don’t know, I really like him. I want to see him get better.”

 

“Yeah. I get that. He’s special.” Phil repeats before his eyes widen. “You’re attached to a pet, Daniel! That’s against the rules, I just might have to tell Jeremy.”

 

Dan laughs, a bit too loud, and Phil looks a bit surprised at himself but laughs too, face crinkling up but little sound coming out. Phil is probably aching to complain about Jeremy to someone. It’s a bit of a relief to Dan, too.

 

“You can come back here anytime you want. I like the company. And Bear likes you.” Phil says, rather genuinely. Dan hears a whine coming from down the cages.

 

“Maybe, yeah. I basically just sit in the front and spin around on my office chair and listen to the clock.” Dan realizes it’s a bit sad and boring to even talk about but Phil looks at him with sudden interest and he feels a bit self-conscious.

 

“Cool. You can even help me pick up poop everywhere if you want.” A smile plays on Phil’s lips. Dan’s staring for too long before he forces out a laugh.

 

“That’s my cue to leave. Have fun with the zoo.” Dan turns on his heels.

 

“Hey,” Phil says before Dan is gone. “If you’re that bored, why don’t you bring something to work? Read a book or write something or play a game on your phone. You have all this time, you can do anything!”

 

“Yeah. That’s not a bad idea. I’ve thought of it, obviously, but I don’t know...I’m pretty lazy.”

 

“That’s fair. You sound like you don’t think your time is very worthwhile, though. You could be teaching yourself stuff. I’m trying how to learn how to keep houseplants alive a bit better and I do it on my break, it’s quite fun.” Phil says. Dan huffs out a laugh, but Phil is completely serious.

  
“Catch me with a book on Tulips next time I’m here. Have fun picking up dog shit, now.”   


“See ya.”

 

He walks slowly to shorten the time he has to spend at his desk. Tick, tick, tick. He changes the computer's screensaver. Now it’s a little ball of colour that bounces around and the different sections of colour separate into more little balls and then back together again. He thinks this might be the worst one, but he stares at it anyways, entranced.

 

He glances at the door all day, wishing someone would come in. He usually hates interacting with people but he seems to have hit an edge. Too much time alone, too much time staring into space with his own thoughts, too few meaningful relationships in his life. He is itching to do something as his life passes by in the little desk space behind the counter.

 

***

 

After Phil settled into work, he wasn’t so shy or nervous. He hurried out of the clinic door and down the hallway multiple times a day, popping up at random intervals, just to see Dan.

 

 _Giles, y’know the old doodle, fell asleep and he started kicking his legs around and panting while he slept, what do you he was dreaming of?_ Then another time, _Spike is getting nicer, he licked my hand and didn’t bite! Look at these cuts, no it’s not good._ Sometimes it seemed like ten little stories a day, but it was never a tiresome amount. _I put Willow and Tara together and I think they’re falling in love. I saw Willow lick Tara’s wounds._

 

Dan thought every animal that ever came would be called by the name of someone in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. When Phil found out that Dan loved the show, too, (“love” had been put into Dan’s mouth by Phil, but he didn’t have the heart to correct him) Phil began the naming fest, coming out with all the stories and references. When the stories stopped, the names stopped and Dan never got to see the array of cats named Buffy. _She would definitely be a cat, don’t you think? Strong, sassy, feminine and can stab you! With her claws, I mean, that was the joke._

 

They got along so well, they really did, like they instantly understood each other's strange jokes. A few seconds of embarrassment before realizing the other was laughing with them.

 

Jeremy sometimes snapped at Phil to get back to work, as he sat in his office and listened to them giggle.

 

***

 

Dan arrives home around 17:45 every day without fail. Jeremy books them on the same shifts repeatedly so they can carpool, either in Jeremy’s nice, modern Ford or Dan’s old Honda Civic that makes funny noises in the engine. When Dan’s shift is over, and not a minute later, he stands in the doorway of Jeremy’s office swinging the keys. He refuses to spend another minute doing absolutely nothing _._

 

Their apartment is decently sized, modern, and minimalistic. It’s comforting for Dan to even look at, dark wood tones and a few fake plants. There is a piano in the master bedroom collecting dust, and a little office that Dan hides away in when he wants to go to another world. Video game world, usually, maybe a deep dive into Wikipedia or Reddit. He stares at the entrance now, the worlds of social media and video games he could surely get lost in, but it has no appeal right now.

 

He feels fucking unfulfilled, that has to be it. His life has no meaning. He might as well just flop over on the carpet and lay face down instead of all the shit he did. The bookshelf lined up behind the computer taunts him, all these books that he bought and never read. The piano taunts him, along with the tuning appointment he never booked.

 

It’s too much to do yet it’s not enough. He is almost convinced he can’t physically do the things he wants to. Some out of world force is holding him back, restraining his arms.

 

He eats dinner with Jeremy instead. Sitting on the couch, Formula 1 on and taco salad in his lap. On a good day, Dan might tease Jeremy and say, “what the fuck is taco salad? Not nachos, huh? You have to call everything salad, don’t you?” but the humour would come out forced right now.

 

He wants love and attention, it aches just like when they first met. I don’t care if you have a lecture, just don’t stop talking to me. Stay up late to kiss me more. Hold me all night, I just want to feel protected.

 

He watches out of the corner of his eye for Jeremy to put his plate down. Dan counts to ten and scooches over, hand on Jeremy’s thigh and mouth touching right under his ear. It only takes a few minutes for Jeremy to pause the TV and push him down on the cushions.

 

It feels like it’s been too long.


	3. Chapter 3

Dan sits at his desk and pulls out a little paperback of _Civilization and its Discontents_ by Sigmund Freud, which he found in his bookcase despite no recollection of ever purchasing it. It fit in his jacket pocket so he doesn’t have to worry Jeremy about the lack of work he has, (surely, Jeremy would find a stack of paperwork for Dan to go through somewhere).

 

The book is tiny but he has to reread a lot of paragraphs and focus intently to follow the often seamless and drastic transitions to a new topic. He almost wants to take notes, but he doesn’t want to put the book down or disrupt the course of writing, he feels like a vacuum absorbing theories.

 

He tries to feel an oceanic feeling within himself and feels like he doesn’t quite understand. He is surprised by the almost poetic descriptions of sexual desire, the deep look into animalistic behaviours that seem a bit disturbing in such a blunt little book. He thinks of himself, what a psychologist might say about him. He’s so engrossed that he jumps when the door chimes.

 

Two cats are dropped off at two separate times today. Dan holds them and they both scratch up his arm while he waits for Phil who now has to forcibly push Bear back in his cage (with Belinda, the 9-year old Westy who’s been here forever). Phil gives Dan antiseptic wipes and band-aids while he tries to hold them still enough on the checkup table. Dan leaves the clinic section as soon as he can. Cats can be real assholes, he thinks.

 

He can hear when the commotion stops and he knows Phil has the new additions under control and in cages. He reads one more chapter and begins walking to the back.

 

Phil isn’t there. It’s quiet in the back and most animals seem to be sleeping or gone from their cages. Bear is in the corner so he goes and sits at the outside of the cage, sticking a couple of fingers inside. Bear nudges them with his nose.

 

“Hey, Bear. Where’s Phil?” He asks. Bear seems to pout up at him.

 

“You love attention, don’t you. I can relate, but you’re much cuter than me so you must get a lot more attention than I do. Be grateful.” Bear stares up at him and for a moment, Dan feels like he can really understand him. “Actually, I’m a bit of an ass to say you should be grateful, look at this cage. That’s not a great life, I know Phil would choose something else for you if he could.”

 

Dan hears a mass of breathing and is a bit confused until he sees a mass of dogs on leashes attached to a frazzled looking Phil pile in through the back door. The leashes look completely tangled up and Dan isn’t sure how Phil is holding a few poop bags along with so much rope in his fists. Bear is standing up now, tail wagging at the speed of light.

 

“Oh! Dan!” he says, walking into the concrete room. He drops a couple leashes and pulls a couple of the more rambunctious dogs to cages. His face is red and his quiff is messy.

 

“Walk time?”

 

“Yep. Too much energy, I could walk for hours and they still need more.” Phil seems truly sad by this thought, peering down at the jumping dogs. The Pomeranian (Bertha??) barks, high pitched and annoying.

 

Phil struggles to get dogs in their cages, but soon only Belinda is left, sitting patiently and looking up at Phil.

 

“You’re my favourite, y’know, you’re so calm Belinda.” He says, hands on his hips while he peers down at the tiny dog. Belinda looks up and lets her tongue show as she pants.

 

“You left Bear all alone. He’s sad.” Dan leans against the cold metal of the cage.

 

“I know!” Phil says, looking sad. “He wouldn’t be able to keep up and he’d get knocked over. He gets his own special walk now, though.”

 

Phil walks over, opening the cage to let Belinda in and Bear out. He hobbles to Phil faster than Dan’s seen him move before.

 

“Want to come?” Phil asks, and Dan opens his mouth to say yes, before looking in the general direction of the front.

 

“If we keep the door open, I can hear the chime. Bear doesn’t go far, believe me.” Phil picks up the dog and begins walking. Dan peaks at Jeremy’s office down the hall and follows Phil, who props the door open with a broken rubber ball under the frame.

 

With no leash, Phil plops Bear down. Dan looks nervously at the road not too far, but Bear doesn’t look at anything but Phil. Phil jumps up excitedly and Bear mimics him, hopping a few inches closer and barking. Phil runs a few feet over and Bear hobbles after, staring up at Phil like he’s the best thing in the world.

 

Dan leans against the doorframe, watching them.

 

“Call him, he needs to learn his name!” Phil says.

 

Dan is doubtful he’ll even come. “Bear! C’mere, puppy! Bear!” His voice is high pitched and annoying to even himself.

 

The dog hobbles over, swaying a lot while keeping his balance on one paw. Halfway he stops, looking back at Phil.

 

“Oh here’s a conflict, who's your favourite?” Phil jokes, but at his voice, the dog goes hurrying back over. Yeah, I would choose him too, Dan thinks.

 

It’s grey outside today. Not particularly dark or creepy, those kinds of rainy days Dan likes, but it’s just a plain grey cast across the sky. The building around them, gross and industrial, match the colour scheme, as does the dead grass under his feet. Phil is the only splash of colour in the space. He notices two socks peeking out under Phil’s uniform, different colourful patterns, as if his personality isn't enough. Phil begins running again, dog at his feet.

 

He stops and beams at Dan, as though Dan standing outside with him and a dog was an amazing bonding moment. Dan can’t remember the last time Phil looked at him for more than a few seconds. Well, if he tries hard be probably can.

 

The door chimes and Dan runs back inside.

 

***

 

After a couple weeks of working together back in 2016, Phil went from being nervous, to friendly and outgoing, to even more nervous after a time. He stood at Dan’s desk for long periods of time, playing with any little thing he could get his hands on, candles, pictures, or plants, and fidgeting. He was blushing and stumbling over his words, using strange segues to ask Dan if he likes coffee or certain genres of movies. Dan knew he was in trouble pretty fast.

 

He doesn’t know why he didn’t say anything.

 

***

 

Dan and Jeremy get takeout because Phil is so busy and if one more animal gets dropped off, his head just might explode.

 

They eat in the stupid little staffroom, at the table that allows for barely any space between the wall and the chairs. They’re across from each other and it feels quite claustrophobic and strange, especially because Jeremy is unusually quiet. Dan thinks about talking about his book, he’s itching to discuss it, but Jeremy seems to be in a mood where he’d just yell at Dan for the distraction.

 

They’re quiet together often, actually. Dan likes that about them. They can always sit in comfortable silence, except something is hanging in the air and Dan can’t think of how to bring it up and he doesn’t know why he feels so guilty because of it. Jeremy breaks eventually, anyways.

 

“You’ve been wandering the shelter a lot, haven’t you?” Jeremy asks.

 

“What?”

 

“The walls are thin, I can hear you going over to Phil and talking. Not enough to keep you busy?”

 

“I’ve been going over to see how that dog’s doing and Phil just happens to be there. We’re casual friends, anyways, you know that.” Jeremy stares at him for a few moments. “It’s a cute dog, you’ve seen it.”

 

“You want to adopt it?” Jeremy asks.

 

“No.” Dan says it so immediately that it almost surprises himself. “Our apartment doesn’t allow pets,” he adds on.

 

“Maybe it’s time to start looking for a house soon. We’ve saved up well, and my parents can help with the mortgage. It’s an investment so why not start early and quit wasting money on rent?”

 

“The dog will probably be adopted by the time we could even find a house and set it up,” Dan says. Jeremy huffs out a laugh, looking at Dan strangely.

 

“I mean, I don’t really care about that dog. We can get any dog. I’m just thinking about what will make you happy and what’s best for us,” Jeremy says

 

Dan isn’t sure why his heart starts beating fast. It’s completely reasonable. He puts a smile on his face, holding eye contact.

 

“Yeah, check the housing markets,” Dan says. Jeremy stands and leans over the table, taking Dan’s cheeks in his hands and kissing him before sitting back down.

 

“Now, don’t get too distracted. If someone comes in here you need to be ready to give immediate attention.”

 

“What, going to fire me?” Dan asks, jokingly.

 

“Yeah, maybe.” Jeremy’s voice is light but then his face suddenly grows more serious. “You should be careful with Phil, though.”

 

Dan stares at him for a moment with a questioning gaze on his face, though he has an inkling of what’s coming.

 

“Excuse me?” His heart is picking up speed again.

 

“I just think you should be wary about going back there all the time. I just don’t know why you’re talking to him all of a sudden. Since it didn’t turn out great the first time.” Jeremy is distant and casual in a way that makes Dan feel frustrated. He stares at Jeremy for a few more seconds.

 

“I don’t know what you think we do back there but it’s very _professional_ and _friendly_ ,” he says, enunciating his words heavily.

 

“If you think I’m accusing you of cheating then you’re wrong. You’re a hard guy to resist, that’s all, and I want a nice work environment, not a sad, pining vet.” Jeremy takes a bite of his food as casually as if they were talking about picking up milk after work.

 

“Do you know how rude you are sometimes?” Dan asks, sarcastically.

 

“I’m thinking about what’s best for Phil.”

 

Dan stands, pushing the chair back into the wall. It was unintentional, but the loud bang is satisfying and aggressive. He drops his food in the trash, a bit regretfully, he might have enjoyed it later, but he walks out fast.

 

“I’m going back to work,” Dan says.

 

“We’ll talk at home, then,” Jeremy calls out.

 

Dan all but storms down the hall, a bit surprised to see Phil near his desk, looking like he was caught out doing something bad. Dan wonders what he heard. The bang of the chair at least.

 

“I was dropping off Bella and Bison’s assessment forms. You, um, you okay?” Phil asks, eyes wide.

 

“When he’s rude as shit he talks all nice and calm so he seems like he’s being _so_ reasonable and I’m the bad guy instead and it gets on my fucking nerves.” Dan hisses before he can think about it. 

 

“That’s not fair.” Phil furrows his eyebrows, looking at Dan in sympathy. Dan takes a breath, determined not to blow up here. Phil would probably ask what they talked about.

 

“What kind of a name is Bison for a cat?” Dan asks.

 

“Didn’t you see? He has a big flaring nose so he looks like a bison.”

 

“I didn’t go close to his face, he’d done enough damage with his claws.”

 

“Oh. Well, he’s a really ugly looking thing, I’m worried no one will want him. But some people _really_ like ugly animals, I think they feel like they relate or whatever so they’re doing the pet a favour.”

 

“Maybe that’s why I’ve wanted a pet rat for so long,” Dan blurts out, leaning against the counter. Phil laughs, louder than usual, tilting his body back a little with the effort.

 

“Shut up, it’s rude you find that so funny,” Dan says, but he feels a smile creeping on his face.

 

“I just see some resemblance, that’s all,” Phil teases and Dan full on smiles at him. He’s not sure why it sounds like the best compliment he could receive today but it does.

 

Phil nods at Dan’s desk. “Freud? You’re an intellectual, huh?” Phil asks. He’s teasing but not exactly judging, Dan doesn’t think.

 

“Yeah, I think it’s interesting, he’s talking about man's natural desire, their “ego” and how we are repressing those instincts and how it affects civilization,” Dan rambles.

 

“Oedipus complexes, fun,” Phil says.

 

“ _Fun?_ Phil!” Dan exclaims, laughing, and feeling more amused to see the wide-eyed ‘I’m innocent’ look on Phil’s face.

 

Dan settles down a bit and barely sees Phil glance over his head but Phil quickly says, “I’d better go check on Bear,” so Dan knows who will be behind him when he turns.

 

Phil walks away, saying a rather flat “hello,” to Jeremy.

 

He turns and watches him go for a moment, avoiding Jeremy’s gaze. Jeremy doesn’t give him the satisfaction for long, he goes straight into his own office.

 

Dan wishes Phil was still at the desk, playing with the little plants (some succulents), candles (seasonally themed), a couple books about pets (those little toilet readers from the dollar store) and a picture of Dan with his grandma. Phil always picked up that one last, staring at it for a few seconds and calling it cute, time and time again.

 

Except the desk is empty. The succulents soon died under his care, the candles burnt out, and he got rid of the rest of the stuff so it wasn’t so cluttered. Minimalism is good for the soul, Jeremy said.

 

***

 

“Whatcha doin’ tonight?” Phil asked one time, picking up the unlit “mountain snow” candle and breathing it in. Dan made a mental note to light it next, Phil always smelled that one, didn’t he?

 

The forced casualness in Phil’s voice was evident. Dan felt his insides twist up a little. He wanted to say it was a bad feeling, guilt and anxiety, but he kind of wanted to chase the specific kind of nerves he’s getting.

 

“Oh, I’m pretty tired, just going to sleep probably,” Dan said.

 

“Cool, me too.”

 

 _Ask anyway,_ he thought. But that’s absurd. It would make it all too difficult.

 

When Phil picked up the framed photo, Dan thinks he saw him touch his finger to the right side, where Dan is stood smiling.

 

***

 

Dan and Jeremy don’t talk about it when they’re home. Dan doesn’t want to break first, and Jeremy pretends like everything is fine. Dan plays video games until he’s sure Jeremy is sound asleep, then he crawls in and tries to think about nice things so he can get at least a few hours of snooze before work.

 

He sits at work the next day and rushes through some paperwork before pulling out the little book he put in a drawer. A couple of people come in to look at the pets and he gives them the tour while Phil’s doing something in the clinic.

 

“That one’s hurt,” he hears the wife whisper. He’s not supposed to hear, he doesn’t think.

 

“Do you have any more puppies?” The man asks, as though there’s a secret stash of better dogs kept in storage.

 

“No.”

 

They leave and he feels a bit bitter towards them, but there’s relief that Bear hasn’t been taken yet. Selfish relief, he supposes.

 

The next day is much the same. He doesn’t go in the back, doesn’t talk to Phil. He’s almost through the book, and he wants to do nothing but finish it, he already feels proud of the accomplishment. He’s goes to lunch with Jeremy, glad that Jeremy is paying for his £9 salad. Jeremy says that some economists think houses prices will be reasonable in a few months. Of course he actually did the research, Dan thinks.

 

He has to do some of his actual job or else Jeremy will pick up on the lack of stuff done. When he goes through lots of paperwork he feels very productive, but he also feels more like his life is wasting away. Like he’s just a shell of a person in this rolly chair. But he knows he’s dramatic.

 

The next day, he decides he’s going to see the dog. A maximum of two people come in a day to this barren hellhole and he doesn’t really care what Jeremy thinks.

 

He walks down the hall before lunchtime and freezes around the corner.

 

“Oh, Maxime, hello,” he says, hovering.

 

“Hello, dear,” she says. This animal caretaker has been working here for longer than he’s been alive, Dan’s pretty sure. She’s part-time but should have retired long ago, and she really is a sweet lady, even if she can’t give the dogs enough exercise.

 

“Phil isn’t in today?” He asks. He peeks over at Bear in the cage. He’s barely visible at the back wall, laying down completely still.

 

“It’s his day off. Are you two friends again? That’s nice to see.”

 

“Yeah. Well, I just came to see how Bear was doing. He’s hurt.”

 

“Yes, of course, Phil left me a long note about that one. He’s taken another poor animal under his wing, hasn’t he,” she chuckles softly, picking up a bag of dog food that looks much too heavy.

 

He rushes forwards and helps, pouring food while she opens the gates and slips the bowls in and out. He wants to coo when they reach Bear’s cage but the dog doesn’t move, just slowly breathes and stares at him. Dan’s first thought is that this puppy is depressed now that Phil’s gone.

 

Everything does seem a bit depressing now. Sad animals trapped in cages, a lady working through her old age, and a grouchy boyfriend cooped up in his office.

 

She thanks him dearly for helping and he slowly walks back to his desk. He realizes he has two days off after today and the thought seems to settle like a weight in the pit of his stomach.

 

***

 

One time, Phil had asked Dan to hang out for real, standing tall with a true exertion of confidence.

 

“We both have the next two days off,” Phil said, but he didn’t stop long enough for Dan to reply. “I was wondering if you wanted to go for coffee with me? Some nice warm drinks for all the snow?”

 

Phil’s cheeks were rosy and his hands trembled. He didn’t touch any of the stuff, rather he hid it below the desk, but Dan could still see.

 

“Oh. Uh, my Mum’s in town. I can’t. I’m sorry.” Dan said, barely able to get the words out past his throat.

 

“Oh. Well, maybe another time?” Phil asked.

 

“Yeah, maybe.”

  
Dan doesn’t know why he didn’t tell him about Jeremy. Why he couldn’t.


	4. Chapter 4

He has a two-day break with Jeremy. Of course he does, their schedules are always perfectly aligned so they never have to spend a day apart. True domesticity.

 

Dan wishes he had some time alone. He could collapse on the couch rather than the Ikea office chair in his little office cave. Guild Wars 2 is a good distraction, at least. For a time he feels like he is in a different world than this one. He is brave and doing something that matters, but he feels a bit like a child.

 

Jeremy eventually comes and knocks on the door. It’s rare for him to come up here, where Dan put all of his nerdy merchandise and ruined the aesthetic.

 

“Yeah?” Dan says and the door opens. Jeremy stands in the doorway, staring down at Dan for a few moments. He looks fond, not particularly cold and distant.

 

“I think I’ve been unfair. I have to admit, I’ve been getting jealous again.”

 

Dan is silent, waiting for him to say more, but he hopes Jeremy can see the understanding he’s trying to portray with his eyes. I surrender, I don’t want to fight anymore, either.

 

“I mean, it’s hard to see you getting along so well and giggling with a guy like Phil, but I know it’s not fair to get all possessive when you’ve been faithful. I know it was just a misunderstanding at that Christmas party. You don’t like him, and I’m sure he’s over you.”

 

Dan feels a pang of guilt that he hasn’t felt in a while. 

 

“Yeah, I’m sure he is,” Dan says, bouncing his leg on the chair. “And hey, I get it. I get jealous lots, too. I just think maybe wounds have healed, I can have a casual work friendship with Phil and things won’t be so tense anymore. I haven’t been lying, either, I really like that dog and it made me realize I’d like to be professional friends with Phil.”

 

“You don’t have to say just work friends. You can be real friends, I know you get along, I hear you guys laughing together. Maybe the three of us could be friends, too, I just might need reassurances sometimes when I get stupidly paranoid.” Jeremy scratches at the chipped paint on the wall with a small smile. He’s not taking himself so seriously and Dan gets a burst of affection.

 

He stands up, rushing over and throws his arms around Jeremy’s shoulders, kissing his neck once.

 

“Thanks for talking to me, Jer. Thanks for understanding. You’re great,” he says, feeling strong arms wrap tightly around his waist.

 

“Hey, we could even introduce Phil to one of our friends. You know the guys in my queer book club? They’d swoon at a guy as smart as Phil. Does Phil like books?”

 

Dan feels like he’s got a cork in his throat for a moment but he quickly speaks.

 

“Oh, uh, I’m not sure that he reads, much. But, maybe!” Dan says, letting Jeremy pull back “We don’t even know if he’s in a relationship already,” Dan says, just as the thought comes to his mind.

 

“We can ask. Double dates would be fun, he wouldn’t be the third wheel.”

 

He shouldn’t be feeling worried at this thought. He hopes he doesn’t have guilty eyes.

 

He doesn’t know if Jeremy would understand if Dan explained the possessiveness he had of all the people in his life. Or that he’d still choose Jeremy in a heartbeat no matter his feelings, they already built a life together.

 

Dan doesn’t really want to dwell on it all. He’s had enough guilt for the both of them in this relationship.

 

He leans in and hugs Jeremy again, pushing all his affection into him.

 

He doesn’t think he likes Phil. Before, yeah, due to the excitement and endearing quirks that drew him in, but a crush doesn’t end a long-term relationship. Surely they could be distant enough to stay friends. Maybe even laugh about it all one day.

 

He plays video games with Jeremy after. Jeremy only does this when he really wants to spoil Dan or he’s guilty for some insignificant thing. He’s bad at video games and he hates them, Dan has to tone down his skill so he doesn’t make Jeremy feel too bad. It’s a relief to play with someone, nonetheless.

 

It’s a relief to have someone he cares about around, he’d almost forgot that feeling.

 

***

 

“Are you going to the Christmas party?” Dan asked another time that Phil was at his desk. It was December of 2016 already, it was cold and grey out but not too snowy, and nearly all of their animals had been adopted.

 

Phil had just been talking about how his brother’s girlfriend was playing shows at bars sometimes and she was just so cool. Dan wondered if Phil was trying to hype himself up to ask Dan to one but he hadn’t gotten that far.

 

“Uh, I don’t think so. Why does it have to be up in London? That’s so far.” Phil fiddled with the business cards on the desk, Dan worried he might drop them.

 

“Head office is there. I think it’s a fun trip up. You should come,” Dan said, and Phil seemed to perk up a bit.

 

“Uh, you think?”

 

Dan had no chance of getting out of it and he didn’t want to go alone. Jeremy would be off trying to make connections with executive staff while Dan just wanted to take advantage of his drink tickets and wander the hotel. He wanted Phil there, the idea came to his head and he couldn’t shake the longing.

 

“Yeah, I think it’ll be fun with you there,” Dan said, peeking up at Phil’s expression.

 

“Promise not to ditch me?”

 

“Promise.”

 

“Okay, I’ll get a train ticket.”

 

***

 

Their little weekend seems long somehow. Dan finishes _Civilization and its Discontents_ quickly and writes a long review of his thoughts in Microsoft Word that he’ll probably never even post or show anyone. They rewatch the first season of Game of Thrones and make hefty meals. It all feels like it should be domestic and relaxing, but Dan feels restless. That damn dog is still on his mind.

 

He has another dream, a nightmare. A faceless man is trying to hurt Bear. He can’t remember the images but he remembers the feelings, the anger and aggression, the poor whines filling his ears. He grabs the dog, pulling back, before realizing he’s hurting Bear, too, by doing this. He wakes up worried the poor dogs been ripped in half.

 

They walk in to work together on Monday morning, and Jeremy goes straight into his office. Usually, he walks around and makes sure everything is in top shape. Dan wonders what he’s so busy with.

 

Dan takes the excuse to walk straight to the back, legs moving fast. He turns the corner and freezes. He shouldn’t be so surprised at the things happening in this job anymore, he thinks.

 

Phil’s asleep. He’s sideways in the armchair, back curved and legs dangling over the armrest. His head is tilted into the back of the cushion. He doesn’t look particularly relaxed, he looks like he’s frowning even in his sleep.

 

Bear is on his lap, of course he is. Sprawled across Phil’s entire torso with his head up next to Phil’s. He’s not sleeping, at least not anymore, but he doesn’t move as he peers at Dan. Dan moves forward.

 

When he’s only a few feet away, Bear shifts, in the position to slide off the couch suddenly. Dan thinks of his leg and rushes forward to catch the dog, slightly aware that Phil is now suddenly awake and grabbing the dog with panic on his face.

 

They share shocked eye contact for a moment as they both grab Bear, then they slowly release him to the floor, where he stands on three legs and sniffs Dan.

 

Dan watches as Phil, not at all gracefully, rolls off the armchair, groaning. He lands on his feet but slowly falls back on the floor, laying down. His blue uniform is wrinkled and twisted and his hair in a complete mess, pointing straight up in every direction. Dan doesn’t think he’s seen eyebags this bad on Phil in the whole time they’ve known each other.

 

“What on _earth_ are you doing? How long have you been here?” Dan says, letting Bear nudge into him and collapse on his side.

 

“I fell asleep here,” Phil arches his back, rolling on his side and wincing. Dan doesn’t feel like he should be watching this, he eyes up how Phil’s shirt rides up to show his pale back.

 

“Will you ever walk again?” Dan asks sarcastically.

 

“No. I’m an old man. I’ve broken my back.” He lays back on the floor and stretches his arms out, closing his eyes.

 

“Okay, well you really have to wake up now, before Jeremy comes. Want to go home, maybe Maxime or Grace can cover for you?” Their intern hadn’t had many shifts alone but she would survive, Dan thinks.

 

“No,” Phil says, pushing himself to a sitting position. He combs through his hair with his fingers. Dan notices he has little marks on his face from the rough fabric of the armchair.

 

Phil yawns. Dan feels like he’s observing a vulnerable moment, but his eyes are still glued to Phil.

 

“You look exhausted.”

 

“Bear _needs_ me. I was gone Friday and Saturday and when I came back, he’d gotten off his bandage and chewed up his own leg. There was blood everywhere, the skin is raw, and the fracture is probably worse. I can’t even send him off for X-rays because of the fucking cost _._ Jeremy will just say it’s unnecessary because no matter how bad the fracture is, the only option is amputating. But we don’t know how much pain he’s in, what if his bones been shattered this whole time or something? Do you know how hard that would be on him?”

 

Tears come to Phil’s eyes as he talks and he rubs it away immediately. Dan stares at Phil, unable to speak. He peeks down and Bear is bandaged up again, a blue bandage that covers the entire length of his leg and has medical tape all over. Bear scrambles up, and Dan helps him, watching him hop with struggle. He’s going to comfort Phil, quite unsurprisingly. Dan follows after Bear.

 

Dan sits next to Phil and hesitantly lets their knees touch.

 

“That’s—God, I’m sorry,” Dan says quietly. Phil is still wiping at his eyes, facing away from Dan to hide it, but he soon looks back over and just nods. He still doesn’t make eye contact.

 

Dan touches his shoulder, squeezing gently. He feels like he’s forgotten how to comfort anyone. Phil’s eyes shine brighter now that they’re glassy, a strange contrast to the frown on his face.

 

“I’ll make it through the day. I gotta watch over him. Then I’ll have to leave him in a cone, I’m an idiot for not doing it at the start. I thought you were gonna be good, Bear! You poor little stupid thing.” He says, suddenly to the dog instead. “Hey, do you think Jeremy will let me go grab a coffee?”

 

“I’ll get it for you. What’s your order?”

 

“Really? Wait, no, it’s okay, I can walk.”

 

“No, shut up, you relax. I have fewer commitments.” Dan says. Phil looks like he’s going to cry again, Eyes filling up. Dan blinks quickly, looking away.

 

“Okay, I have cash in my wallet, uh, somewhere,” he’s peering around as though he’s not sure where he is anymore.

 

“It’s _fine._ You can get me a coffee some other time, maybe when I next stay up mothering a sad puppy. Order?”

 

“Uh, Caramel Macchiato.”

 

“Hey, same. I love caramel.”

 

“I love all things sweet.”

 

Dan smiles at that, staring at Phil. He wishes Phil would look up at him.

 

He pushes himself up. “Be right back,” he says, walking to Jeremy’s office.

 

“Can I have the car keys? I’m going to get me and Phil coffee. Uh, you want some, too?” Dan asks, immediately wishing he’d phrased it better. Jeremy looks a little put-off, from Dan distracting him or the demand, he’s not sure. But the desk is covered in papers and Jeremy usually hates clutter.

 

The phone rings. Jeremy picks it up then digs his hands in his pocket and tosses Dan the keys. Dan drops them but rushes out as soon as he’s managed to grab them.

 

Dan gets Jeremy a Soy Chai Tea Latte for good measure along with two Venti Caramel Macchiatos for him and Phil. He drops it off in Jeremy’s office, who covers the phone speaker with his palm for a moment to say “I didn’t even want this.” Dan doesn’t know what to say and Jeremy is talking into the phone again, so he just leaves.

 

He passes down the drink to Phil on the floor and Phil immediately takes a few large gulps.

 

“Not too hot?”

 

“No, this tongue can handle anything at this point.” Dan’s face goes red and Phil smirks. “I have a lot of coffee, I mean.”

 

Dan sips at his own coffee, which nearly burns the tip of his tongue.

 

They sit for a couple minutes on the floor, but Phil’s looking anxiously at the cages, Things seem louder today, the Labrador is pacing.

 

“Will you help me? Hold Bear and give him love and attention for a bit? I need to take the dogs out.”

 

“Yeah, alright.”

 

“If the door chimes he can go back in a cage. Or just put him on the floor, he’s not getting very far.” Phil nudges Bear off of his legs so he can stand up. Dan picks up the dog and sits in the armchair. It’s warm still, he lounges back.

 

He watches Phil grab the stack of leashes and struggle to get all the dogs tied up. They are rambunctious, barking and jumping up at him. It’s strange to see Phil move, awkward and fumbling. He’s changed since he first came in, though. He’s more confident, surer in his actions, not hiding his face so much behind his hands anymore. Dan kind of wishes he saw the transition and knew what fuelled it. He’s spent so long avoiding Phil or wasting time with innocent small talk.

 

Phil all but runs out the door, dogs swarming his legs like fish. It’s a miracle he doesn’t trip, Dan thinks, but then he stumbles over the slight step of the door frame and Dan lets out a huff of air in a silent laugh.

 

The door closes and he looks down at Bear. He’s got his bad arm curled up and he lays back, looking endlessly tired. This dog looks like an exhausted eighty-year-old man, Dan thinks. But also like a small, sad child.

 

“Why’d you do this, Bear? I know, I know, it hurts and that’s just instinct. But I feel like you’re smarter than that. You restless?” Dan says, softly and sweetly.

 

Bear stares into his eyes. Dan feels like he’s being listened to.

 

“You missed him, didn’t you? You’re pretty attached. Life probably seems worthless without him since you don’t have much for you here. Did you think he’d never come back again? Yeah, it’s not good, but it didn’t seem like the two of you had much choice in this. It was a pretty instant connection. Why doesn’t he just take you home, I wonder?”

 

To Dan’s surprise, the dog lets out a little whine.

 

“Yeah, you get it. And maybe I missed him, too. We didn’t get much of a chance to be friends after everything got confused. Don’t look at me like that. I know I caught feelings, too. But that happens sometimes in a long-term relationship, you get doubts, you see something more exciting. That doesn’t mean I’m going to run off with the cute veterinarian, I want to try to be friends. We get along, like, really well.” Dan says. He looks up a second later, almost expecting to see someone having walked in on him, but he’s alone with Bear and the rustling of cats a few feet away.

 

“Don’t tell him, though. I still feel bad for hurting him. I don’t know if he’s still hurt, he seems to want to talk to me again.”

 

This is what he gets for working at an animal shelter for years and having few friends of his own. He can confide in a dog more than anyone else. Bear is the best listener he’s met, at least.

 

He scratches the dogs hide over and over again, digging his fingers gently into the back of his neck. He seemed to like the massage. If he could do anything to give this dog some pleasure, he would, even when he knows his hands will pull away smelling and cramping.

 

Phil is back soon, looking breathless and flustered. The dogs are still antsy as he puts them in their cages. Dan counts six of them now, Bertha the Pomeranian, Belinda the old Westy, Bella the Lab, Shiba the fat Shiba Inu (“very creative, Phil,” “it’s a cool name!”), Bobby the ugly pitbull, and Teddy the fluffy, brown mutt. He can see the cats are crammed into seven cages (he can’t possibly remember all those names), and Dan frowns. It’s been a while since anyone has been adopted. He also knows it’s the smaller shelter in town, they don’t have a large capacity, but he’d have to do the math and find the dog:cat ratio to figure it out.

 

“Thank you, oh my God, I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’d be running around like a madman!” Phil grabs at his coffee, drinking like it’s his lifeline. “Bear! Are you having fun with Papa Dan? He’s being nice to you?” Phil kneels in front of Dan, looking surprisingly excitable for his sleep-deprived state.

 

“Food! Oh no.” Phil exclaims, bouncing up as fast as he sat. He runs to grab a bag of food and Dan watches as he pours some in the dishes in all three cat cages. A few escape and he has to snatch them up and toss them back in. He grabs water dishes, runs out to the sink across the room, and walks back spilling water everywhere. He repeats with the few dog cages, having to take a bunch of licks to his face as he bends down. Dan doesn’t know if they’re all just wanting affection or if these animals all adore Phil.

 

Phil doesn’t try to hide it as he pulls a bag out of his pocket, seemingly out of nowhere, to bring out two ziplock bag of treats. He tosses some out of one bag to the cats and the other to the dogs until all animals seem content.

 

He walks back over to Dan and sits in front of him.

 

“Miss me?” he asks, then pats Bear on the head.

 

He takes out two treats now, Dan sees, and feeds them to Bear before setting the almost empty baggy down.

 

“You’re really good with animals,” Dan says.

 

“I’d sure hope so.”

 

“I guess. But a lot of people wouldn’t try so hard.”

 

They’re silent for a minute. They pet Bear, like a silent agreement to give him all the loving attention they can.

 

Dan sees Jeremy walk down the hall into the back room before he can tell Phil to get up. Jeremy stops in his tracks before walking forward again. Phil seems oblivious before Jeremy clears his throat, and Phil jumps right into a standing position.

 

“Hello, taking a break still, I see?” Jeremy says. His face is stern.

 

“Pardon?” Phil asks.

 

“You guys are still having coffee?” Jeremy raises his eyebrows.

 

“No, I, uh, took the dogs out and filled up food and water, I just only sat down for a second to say hi to Bear.”

 

“You’re just finishing all of this so late in the morning? I apologize for not coming to check up on you first thing this morning, I’ve had work to do, but I trusted you had it under control after two years of this routine.” The ice in Jeremy’s voice is unmistakable. Bear tries to squirm off of Dan but Dan holds him tight.

 

Dan feels his skin itch with the frustration. He wants to scream at Jeremy, you said you’d be fucking nicer to him! You said we can all be friends!

 

Dan feels the little bag of treats with his heal and pushes it under the armchair as inconspicuous as he can.

 

“It was only today, really, I never miss feeding time,” Phil sounds surprisingly calm. A bit angry, even, but he picks at his fingers nervously while he speaks.

 

“Well, why are you back here, Dan? I said you could see that dog a little but I haven’t heard you go back to your desk once. What if someone comes in?”

 

“Okay, but no one _has_ come in. Besides, I can hear the chime through the whole damn building,” Dan says, his attitude strong.

 

“It’s just kind of insulting that you take our personal relationship as an excuse to run around and do what you want.” Jeremy is in full manager mode, and Dan glares at him easily. _I’m still your fucking boyfriend, you can’t treat me like this at work,_ he thinks.

 

“I asked him to watch Bear, sir,” Phil says quickly. Dan darts his eyes at Phil, trying to say _stop,_ but Phil doesn’t look at him, of course.

 

“Why can’t the dog go in its cage?”

 

“He chewed up his leg, the broken one. I was wondering if you could reconsider asking for funds for his surgery,” Phil says. He stands a little straighter.

 

“We have cones for a reason, Phil,” Jeremy says, condescendingly.

 

“Yes, I will put it on tonight, but—”

 

“That’s a misstep from you, Phil, that hurt the dog.”

 

“We know it’s bothering him, though, we should consider—”

 

“If you think the dog is in too much pain, we can start an evaluation for euthanizing it instead,” Jeremy says flatly.

 

Phil glares at Jeremy now, it’s an unmistakable contrast to his usual mood. Dan is shocked into stillness for a moment, and Jeremy doesn’t say anything either. Dan has only seen this look once before.

 

“You’re a fucking dick sometimes, Jeremy,” Dan says.

 

“I got you this job because I trusted you to be fucking respectful,” Jeremy shoots back. Dan can see Phil trembling ever so slightly.

 

No one says anything. Dan hates this.

 

“I don’t think you guys know how much work I have to do for this place, I expect good work ethic and respect, just like any other manager. I can’t always be Mr. Nice Guy and let it all slide. Now, put the dog in a cone and put him in the cage, he’s clearly got an emotional attachment to both of you. Dan, get back to the front, if you’re that bored I can give you more work to do.” Jeremy spins on his heels and stalks back to his office.

 

Phil looks like he might cry again, but he clearly doesn’t want to do it in front of Dan. He sniffs and wipes his eyes and sets his face in a tight expression. He grabs the dog from Dan wordlessly and carries him to the clinic.

 

Dan is left alone so he reaches his arm under the chair for the treats. He feels something of a different fabric, so he takes out his iPhone and turns on the flashlight, getting on his knees peering under.

 

A mass of colourful toys are shoved under the chair, tug-a-war ropes, tennis balls, rubber kongs, little bean bag mice, a laser pen by the arm leg, and a little lion stuffed animal, tiny and cute and missing a nose. Jeremy didn’t want any workers buying personal toys for the workers because one of the dogs once choked on the plastic squeaker inside a plushie.

 

He sets the little treat bag behind Phil’s empty coffee cup and fixes the flap going over the legs of the chair. He slowly walks back to his desk.

 

Dan glances at the papers on his desk but throws them to the side. Screw this job, and screw Jeremy.

 

He opens another tiny paperback shoved into his pocket as a distraction. _Nausea_ by Sartre, bought during the phase when he decided to read some of the classics on existentialism but never did. He realizes quickly that it’s depressing as hell.

 

***

 

The Christmas Party two years ago seemed too grand and fancy for the party of the Animal Shelter Organization of England. Jeremy always had something to say about wasted funds, but he loved that shit anyways.

 

Jeremy went to have dinner with some of the other supervisors in Manchester and surrounding towns. Dan wasn’t expected to be the trophy wife, at least, Jeremy and him weren’t all that public.

 

He texted Phil instead. _U here? Wanna hang n get room service?_

 

He didn’t have a plan. He was as guilty as he was exhilarated. He hid his phone from Jeremy at home and avoided any questions about him. Jeremy was oblivious at that time, at least. He and Jeremy didn’t talk all that much. Didn’t have sex anymore, no quality time together, weren’t going to be together at the Christmas party. He wondered if the ‘married couple’ phase always included feeling this distant to your significant other.

 

Dan wasn’t an idiot. He thought through how his life would turn around if he cheated on Jeremy. He wondered if he was brave enough to break up with Jeremy, throw it all away. He wondered if Phil was worth it, the man who’d given him butterflies for the first time in years.

 

Whatever happened, he knew he had the self-control to stop himself, at least.

 

 _Ya! I’m still getting ready, but u can come to my room? Room 327_ Phil replied.

 

Dan walked down the hall, took the elevator down a few levels, then walked some more. His hands were sweating, he unclenched them and wiped it on his jeans before he knocked.

 

Phil opened the door quickly. He had his hair up in a quiff, the first time Dan had seen it like that.

 

“I thought it would be nicer to put my fringe up, so I’m experimenting with three different sea salt sprays I got from Boots, is it okay?” He asked quickly, turning his head, modeling each side for Dan and smiling like he might be getting his picture taken.

 

He had glasses on again, but they were a wider frame with dark edges and a bit of navy blue that brought out his eyes and framed his face. His sweater was a striking contrast, red with black dots and sparkling, fitting over his broad shoulders and tapering towards his hips. Black skinny jeans showed off how long and lean his legs really were, with tasseled dress shoes at the bottom.

  
Dan’s insides twisted up, almost painfully.

 

“No, should I straighten it down again?”

 

Dan realized he never replied, and had probably checked Phil out rather unseemly. Phil smirked, looking rather cocky, and Dan wondered if he _could_ speak.

 

“Yes! I mean, yes to your hair looking good. Don’t straighten, it’s good quiffed. It suits you, though I like your fringe, too.” It left his mouth in choppy language.

 

Phil smiled, eyes sparkling and bright. Dan wanted to lean in and see if the greeny-yellow colour he saw was a trick of the eye or not. “You look good, too,” Phil said, and looked Dan up and down, rather unceremoniously as well.

 

“You look like a ladybird.” Dan commented. He followed Phil in, looking up and down Phil’s back. He couldn’t seem to remember proper etiquette for a friend anymore, but he had never been able to see Phil’s ass in the loose vet uniform before so he was having trouble caring.

 

“Yes, that’s what I was going for.”

 

“You’re just obsessed with anything that’s alive, right?”

 

“I mean, I love animals and plants. Bugs are at the bottom of the totem pole, but I still won’t kill them mercilessly,” Phil explained.

 

“I hate moths,” Dan said, rather unintelligently.

 

“So you wore them on your shirt?”

 

Dan looked down, reminded of the dress shirt he wore.

 

“I like being ironic.”

 

“I see.” Phil was smiling too wide and endearingly at him, staring into his eyes so intently that Dan felt like he was the centre of the spotlight in the room.

 

The next thing he knew, Phil was crawling on the hotel bed. Dan suddenly felt like he’d been placed into some strangely setup porno he’d seen before.

 

“The cheaper rooms don’t have couches, but you can come sit and eat here,” Phil said, probably noticing Dan’s hesitation. Phil must have thought Dan had lost all his brain cells between the times they’d seen each other.

 

Phil pat the spot next to him and Dan moved forward, knowing his self control was going to falter that night.


	5. Chapter 5

The car ride is tense and being at home is tense. Dan and Jeremy don’t speak much on any day but it’s unbearable when there are things to be spoken about.

 

Dan follows Jeremy into the kitchen this time. He can’t wait around stressed about their fights any longer.

 

“We just talked about this, like, three days ago,” Dan says.

 

“Will you let me relax for two damn minutes? I’m stressed.”

 

“About fucking what,” Dan says, his voice annoyed and flat.

  
“About losing the damn shelter to cuts! We could be shut down, did you ever think about that? No one comes in anymore and all the health and safety issues I have to file out don’t make us look that great. We’re almost the smallest shelter in Manchester, we could easily be laid off and lose everything, you know,” Jeremy says, his voice accusing.

 

“Fuck.” Dan feels a worry stir his gut, it helps him to ignores all the condescension in Jeremy’s voice.

 

“I’m fighting with them all day over it, trying to implement changes that will fix things and I’m constantly shut down, so _sorry_ if I’m a bit snappy. But I also don’t need to see you and Phil being all cozy and playing with a puppy for two hours having all the fun in the world, getting coffee together with me as an afterthought, all when you _know_ I get jealous over him! And he’s not doing what’s best for that tortured dog, you have to realize that.” Jeremy opens the fridge, pulling out a beer. Dan moves forward and grabs one too.

 

He’s silent. Feeling a bit sick inside. He waits for Jeremy to finish with the bottle opener so he can crack his open too.

 

They lean against perpendicular counters and sip.

 

Dan wonders when they really started feeling like a married couple with issues teetering on the edge every single day.

 

They met in school. The law and business buildings had a connected study hall, the place where 20-year-old pricks in suits with receding hairlines sat, as Dan always said. Jeremy was cute, though, curly blonde hair and a cool Green Day t-shirt on. They were in line at the student-run coffee shop and Dan complimented him.

 

Jeremy was talkative. Most of the business and lawyer kids were, that’s why Dan avoided eye contact and sat in the corner, but Jeremy was interesting. And fit. His eyes were bright and his jaw was strong and Dan was invited to a party in his dorm by the end of their conversation about queer pop-punk artists.

 

He ended up back in Jeremy’s room at the end of the party, fucking in the tiny bed with music reverberating against the walls.

 

Jeremy asked him out again before Dan could sneak out in the morning.

 

He cried on Jeremy’s shoulder when he decided to drop out, and Jeremy promised to always support him. Promised they’d make it work, in whatever way. He got Dan his job, consoled him over his disappointed family, and helped them build a life.

 

Dan sometimes wishes it never happened. Maybe he would have pushed himself to a better job. Maybe he would have more freedom in his life. Maybe he would have stayed closer to his family and helped those relationships. He wouldn't be where he is now today, though, comfortable and secure.

 

He watches Jeremy walk out of the kitchen.

 

***

 

Phil grabbed the champagne from the mini fridge.

 

“I get nervous before parties, want a glass?” He asked. Dan nodded enthusiastically.

 

Room service was on its way. A feast of horrendously large servings of kebabs and calamari and fries with gravy, things that didn’t go together well at all, Dan thought amusedly. Phil turned on the cooking channel and sat with his shoulder brushing Dan’s. Dan could have stayed there all night, except they’d paid for tickets to this damn party and he knew things wouldn’t turn out good staying in this bed together.

 

They walked down (fashionably late, a dark sky outside) talking about family, feeling a bit vulnerable. Phil had missed his family horrendously for years while he was in school, always worried he’d come back home to two graying seniors instead of his parents. He’s in Manchester for them and he lives close to his brother and he never wants to leave again. Dan’s a bit different, his parents and him don’t have much to say anymore after he dropped out of Law school. He’s quite far from Reading, but he doesn’t make much effort to go back. Phil was surprisingly understanding for such a family man.

 

Phil ordered the fruitiest margarita he’d ever seen and Dan asked for the same, wincing at the sugar but barely noticing the vodka.

 

They stood by a tiny but unnecessarily tall table and stacked up horderves on napkins. Dan wanted to inch close enough to smell Phil’s cologne and place his hand on Phil’s lower back. He’d almost gotten lost in the fantasy of what he could be doing if they were together when Phil went “hello!” to a figure over his shoulder.

 

Jeremy put his arms over Dan’s biceps before stepping around to make a circle. Dan’s gut dropped to his feet.

 

“You boys having fun? The veggie tempura is vegan, isn’t it good?” Jeremy asked, pointing to their napkins.

 

“Oh, yes,” Phil said, a lie, Dan knew. They had just been complaining.

 

“Lovely party.”

 

“Yes,” Phil repeated. “You look very classy.” He was so smiley and polite but Dan felt like he might vomit if he spoke.

  
“Thanks, Philip. I love the sparkles. Very unique. I think I see one of the financial analysts alone over there, I’d better see if I can catch him for a chat. See you later, Dan?” Jeremy was bouncing where he stood. Dan wondered why Jeremy never seemed this happy with him.

 

“Yeah,” Dan said flatly. Jeremy strode away, clad in a navy blue suit and polished shoes.

 

“He’s a nice supervisor, I’m always worried I’ll get some animal-hating asshole.” Phil said after he was gone.

 

“He’s alright,” Dan said, nervously. _Tell him tell him tell him._

 

***

 

At work the next day, Dan walks into the back. Grace, the sweet intern, is scooping out litter boxes.

 

“Having fun?” He asks.

 

“Oh, hey, Dan. Yep. Brenda isn’t having diarrhea anymore.”

 

“That’s awesome. Is Phil working today?”

 

“Yeah! He took half the dogs out, I took the other half earlier, he should be back soon.”

 

“Cool. Do you like the new dog? Bear?” Dan walks over to the last cage to see Bear with his head down, plastic cone surrounding his neck. He doesn’t look comfortable, he stares up at Dan with an annoyed expression. Well, it’s probably a normal dog face, but Dan thinks he must be annoyed with these new circumstances.

 

“Yes, oh my God, the cutest puppy I’ve ever seen. He and Phil are so cute together, I’m trying to convince Phil to adopt him.”

 

“Why won’t he?”

 

“He has the max amount of pets that his landlord allows. I told him we can easily fake his cats' death,” she says and Dan laughs.

 

“I agree. Have a good day, Grace.” She smiles and moves into one of the cat cages while he starts walking back.

 

The backdoor opens as he walks by and he stops, watching Phil get through the door with a couple dogs.

 

“Belinda, Shiba, Phil. Hello.” Dan greets, saluting down at the dogs.

 

“Oh! Hey, Dan.” Phil says, pausing for a moment and glancing to the door down the hall a little ways. “Are you sure you should be back here after what Jeremy said?”

 

“I don’t really care. How are you?”

 

“I’m really good, I love the days that Grace can come in,” he says, loud enough for her to hear, Dan is sure.

 

“Are you and Jeremy okay?” Phil asks, quieter now.

 

Dan hesitates but says “yeah, it’ll be fine. He’s stressed, I hope you know he doesn’t hate you.”

 

“I don’t know about that,” Phil says, taking Belinda and Shiba off their leashes and opening the cages for them. “You guys are so good, not running away on me or anything,” Phil compliments.

 

“If anyone came in here to look for a pet, they’d fall in love with you guys,” Dan says to the dogs.

 

“Yeah, it’s been a while.” Phil frowns as he shuts the gate. They both stand there and Dan doesn’t really know what to say. He’s been coming to see Bear, but now he’s here to talk to Phil and he doesn’t know what to say.

 

“So, how have things been?” Dan says finally. It sounds strange leaving his mouth. As though he's talking to someone he hasn't seen in months rather than the full-time coworker that passes by him every day. 

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Uh, still seeing your family lots, and stuff?”

 

“Oh, yeah. Well, my brother was in London for a bit but he’s back. My parents are vacationing a lot, they retired now. I think they want to move to Florida or something. Last time I went I got attacked by a squirrel so I don’t approve.” Dan thinks he might laugh a little too loud.

 

“You got attacked by the thing you love. Tragic.”

  
  
“I know! If I ever have to take care of a squirrel in my career, I’m going to slap it on the wrist for revenge.”

 

“How are things today?” They both turn to see Jeremy coming forward.

 

“Good, Grace is lots of help and the dogs got longer walks so they’re not as restless,” Phil says.

 

“Good. Hey, Phil, sorry for being snappy yesterday. I was out of line.”

 

“Oh? Hey, it’s okay. I understand where you’re coming from.” Phil shuffles where he stands a bit.

 

“Do you like books?” Jeremy asks. Dan stares at Jeremy, a bit puzzled.

 

“Books? Yeah, I guess.” Phil looks equally puzzled.

 

“Oh, like what?”

 

“I’ve read all of Stephen King's books. Lots of sci-fi, too, and I’m going through Game of Thrones now.”

 

“Oh! Mine and Dan’s friend likes lots of the same stuff. I thought I could introduce you to him and we could all hang out sometime. If you’re not seeing anyone, I mean.”

 

Phil flushes red, and Dan’s pretty sure he sees Grace hold back a laugh behind him. Dan feels a bit of anger bubble up. If only Jeremy knew how much of a petty asshole he sounds like right now, he thought.

 

“I just thought it would be a good way for us all to get closer,” Jeremy says.

 

“Yeah. Uh, that would be fine,” Phil says, unenthusiastically.

 

“Cool. Work well, today, we need some of these animals to go. Keep up the good work, Grace.” Jeremy walks off. Dan soon says an awkward farewell, apology on his face and leaves a red-faced Phil.

 

Dan walks into Jeremy’s office later, giving him an exasperated look. “Are you trying to embarrass him?” Dan asks.

 

“If you want us to be friends, I would feel more comfortable if Phil had a boyfriend to keep him from getting distracted.”

 

“You’re unbelievable, you know?” Dan whispers, scared Phil might hear down the hall. Jeremy doesn’t answer so Dan storms back to his desk.

 

***

 

The Christmas party was in a fancy ballroom, it appeared, with cream walls and gold decals, dazzling chandeliers spread across the roof, and tall tables with flowers centred on each one. The table clothes were burgundy, matching the napkins sticking out of the servers breast pockets, and a large white sign at the start said The _Animal Shelter Organization of England - Annual Christmas Party,_ in cursive lettering.

 

Dan was snorting too loud for a party of this nature and Phil was making far too many inappropriate jokes. Dan didn’t know he had it in him.

 

Phil said “wanna get out of here?” and Dan nodded before he could think about it.

 

“We could watch a movie in one of our rooms?” Phil asked. Dan felt something stirring in his gut at the obvious booty call but he slowly shook his head.

 

“Uh, let’s go for a walk? Somewhere that isn’t the party.”

 

Phil agreed but must have thought it was the stupidest idea. It was snowing outside, which Phil had talked about in wonderment many times already. They walked through the hotel lobby and up and down a couple hallways. They could talk and talk without awkwardness, at least. Dan could have done this all night.

 

In the back section, the other side of the party, was an exercise room and hotel pool.

 

“This pool has a slide, oh shit!” Phil exclaimed like it was the best thing he could have seen tonight. He pushed the door and it opened with a click, though the inside was dark.

 

“Nuh uh, you’re going to fall in and drown if you go in there.” Dan said.

 

“You don’t want to go skinny dipping?” Phil asked, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. Dan stuttered for a moment.

 

“I’m just kidding, I’m not that crazy. I like the smell of chlorine, it makes me feel like a kid.” Phil stepped into the dark room and Dan followed after hesitantly.

 

The room was spacious with tall windows streaming in moonlight, the only light source aside from the cracked door. The light reflected off the water in waves of blue against Phil’s face and the red slide looked ominous in the stillness and the silence, curving into the slightly rippling water.

 

Dan walked in further, following Phil close to the wall, then couldn’t physically move when Phil stopped and turned back to him.

 

Phil stared at him intensely. A look Dan had never seen before, eyebrows low set and eyes sharp, but not unkind. Phil inched closer, just looking around Dan’s face.

 

Dan felt the cold wall hit his back as he leaned. Phil grabbed his hands gently, moving until their hips were inches away from brushing against each other.

 

Dan was dying for Phil to kiss him. He tilted his chin forward slightly, reaching for what he couldn’t, and his heart was fast in his chest, so loud it was pounding his head. He thought about pulling Phil closer, completely against him, but guilt settled in his gut and made him feel a bit sick.

 

Phil swayed slightly as he stepped until their feet were touching. Phil leaned against Dan completely now and slowly brought his lips closer to Dans, Dan’s chest ached for it. He squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to speak.

 

“Wait,” he said, hoarsely. “We can’t.” Phil jerked back a few inches

 

“Oh. You don’t..?” Phil asked, nodding between the two of them.

 

Dan was silent, scrunching his eyes together. He had really fucked up this time, hadn’t he? 

 

Phil stared at him, just inches away and still holding onto him, with big eyes.

 

“I should have told you,” Dan said, putting his fists over his eyes. He had the urge to pound on his head, but he would probably look crazy.

 

“Tell me what?”

 

“You’re going to hate me.”

 

“I doubt it,” Phil giggled like it really was absurd. That hurt more.

 

“No, fuck. I’m in a relationship.”

 

Phil bounced back like he’d been burned, and Dan immediately missed the warmth in front of him.

 

“Jeremy!” Phil gasped and let his mouth fall open. “Oh fuck, I should have known.”

 

”No, no, I should have said.” His heart was beating fast and harder, almost painfully so. He had the urge to run.

 

“I thought he implied it, but you—why didn’t you say anything? After all this time? I thought you were flirting with me!”

 

Dan was silent for a moment, breathing in a gasp of air.

 

“I suppose I was, uh…. We, uh, we’ve been having troubles. I just—” Dan avoided Phil’s gaze. “I did fall for you, and I handled it horribly.”

 

Phil spun on the spot, facing the pool, with a hand up to his face.

 

“You want an affair, that’s it? Something exciting and new?” Phil looked back accusingly at Dan, but his face was hurt. Dan felt it in his chest.

 

“No, it’s more than—I don’t know my feelings, but it’s more than sex!”

 

“You think I’m happy you want to emotionally cheat on someone with me?” Phil said accusingly.

 

“No! I don’t want to cheat! I want to figure out my feelings, and I...fuck, I didn’t think I’d actually fall for you. It felt harmless.”

 

The exhausted look that was on Phil’s face made Dan bow his head.

 

“I can break up with—”

 

“I’m not going to be a home wrecker, especially not to my _boss._ You would have broken up with him if you really wanted to.”

 

“It’s not that simple.”

 

“You can talk this out with your boyfriend.”

 

Phil stormed out and Dan followed, on the heel of Phil’s long strides.

 

“Please, I know I should have said, I just didn’t want to lose anyone, but we can talk it out!” Phil ignored him. They came up to the lobby and Dan winced at the crowds of people that had now migrated out to say goodbyes.

 

“Hey! Where’d you guys—is everything alright?” Jeremy was grabbing Dan’s arm from the side, stepping away from a circle of conversation, but Phil was still storming off. Dan stared after him, face drained of colour.

 

“What happened?” Jeremy demanded.

 

“Nothing,” Dan shook his head quickly.

 

“Tell me. That wasn’t nothing.”

 

Dan stared after Phil who was disappearing down a new hall. The alcohol that previously swarmed his head just made him feel nauseous and he desperately wanted to lay down. Curl up and wallow in his guilt. He wasn't sure if he had the emotional strength to talk it all out.

 

“Can we go to our room to talk? It was just a misunderstanding,” he said finally, eyes pleading.


	6. Chapter 6

Dan reads more of his new book in the next few days, finally finishing it today. Between little trips to chat with Phil and pet Bear and this reading he's feeling fulfilled for the first time in a while. Work goes by quicker and he doesn’t feel the dread deep in his stomach every morning. It’s not exactly an all-encompassing happiness, though, he can’t seem to shake the usual worry he has about what he’s doing with his life.

 

Sartre is just as pretentious with surrealistic writing as Dan had expected, but it's in the most enthralling way.

 

The main character appears to have even less human connections than himself, he realizes. Dan sometimes wonders how he’d cope in full solitary, a thought that leaves him surprisingly at peace, thinking of a world with no commitments or stress where he doesn’t have to feel so strongly about every little issue.

 

It’s depressing as hell to read about it happening to someone else, he realizes. He can relate. When he locks himself away for too long he begins to fill up with distress and anxiety about the meaning of the world.

 

He pulls out a piece of paper from a drawer, a large notepad sheet with the animal shelter logo on top. He begins scrawling down his thoughts as fast as they come.

 

_What is existence? What separates a human from any other tangible object? Is there some sort of predetermined or magnificent purpose, or are we merely just present on the earth until our bodies fail and we have no thoughts anymore? Why is it that we were placed here with this very specific biological build, and have adapted to such customs? Why are we here rather than a void in place of the earth? In reality, objects are just different textures and arrangements differentiated and labelled with random phonetics. Endless concepts such as time, money, politics, morals, etc. are just ideas created by humans. Any path we decide we are destined to live is an ambiguous creation. How we perceive things are nothing more than ideas._

 

He hears Jeremy’s door open in the background and Dan is too distracted to look up. A small part of him prays that no one distracts him while he’s so deep in thought.

 

His head hurts a little. He’s even a little nauseous. There were no answers given, only more questions about the meaning of life.

 

The protagonist decided that love is not the answer. That sounds depressing as hell to Dan.

 

Noise carries down the hallway with a slight echo and he is shaken out of his strange mindset. He stands and listens to Jeremy’s voice for a moment before starting to walk to the back. He realizes the voice is loud and aggressive and his pace immediately quickens.

 

“...tell me why the fuck there is a discrepancy between the number of animals we counted for and the number of assessments we sent in?” Jeremy says, voice raised, waving a sheet in the air. “Because counting all the assessments tells me you’ve overflowed the shelter!”

 

“Calm the fuck down, Jeremy,” Dan says, speed walking closer. “What is it now?”

 

“Did you count the animals? Maybe I should have given this job to you, it’s easy enough for a damn receptionist.” Jeremy stares at him now, eyes squinted and forehead creasing. Dan glares at him, feeling like he barely recognizes his boyfriend right now.

 

“No, uh, I did the counts and gave it to Dan,” Phil says.

 

“Did you forget how to count, them?”

 

Phil stays quiet.

 

“I know you’re not an idiot, tell me what happened, Phil.”

 

“We have too many animals. I didn’t want to have any be killed.” Phil says, quietly. Dan looks at him in surprise, then whips his head towards the small cages behind them.

 

“So you’d rather all these twelve-year-old cats be shoved into cages with no room to breathe? Do you know how unhealthy it is, how many more fights it creates and how many more diseases spread with overcrowding? We have a fucking capacity for a reason. _I’m_ going to get in trouble with head office now.” Jeremy is still waving around the piece of paper, shooting daggers at Phil with his eyes.

 

Phil stays quiet, hanging his head. Dan shuffles around, thinking of something to say. He shrinks out of Jeremy’s line of sight, thinking he’d probably make him angrier.

 

“Go get your stuff,” Jeremy says, crossing his arms.

 

“What?” Phil says. Dan stares at Jeremy incredulously.

 

“I’m going to have to let you go.”

 

“Jeremy, I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was so—you love these animals, too! I thought it would be best. They’ll be adopted soon!”  Phil says, his voice pleading and on the edge of panicked.

 

“What you think is best is consistently out of policy if you hadn’t noticed.” Dan thinks Jeremy’s voice should sound sarcastic with such a sentence, but he sounds calmer suddenly. A little shaky.

 

“You can’t fire him for that!” Dan says, sputtering and looking at the cats as if to say _they look fine._ But there was a lot of cats in such a small space, the sight was alarming.

 

“Do you know the number of write ups he has?”

 

“We can say it’s a mistake,” Dan says.

 

“I’m not on your side, here, I’m sorry. I think this behaviour has become a liability. This shelter is in danger and I want to do what’s best. I told you what’s going on, Dan, please understand my side.”

 

“Bullshit. You have a personal grudge. You’re jealous of him,” Dan says, surprised it comes out of his mouth. Jeremy doesn’t look angry or distant like he usually does in their fights. He looks sad and defeated, huffing out a breath of air. He turns back to Phil without a rebuttal.

 

“I’m sorry. I think you’re a good guy, I think you’re great with animals and I think you’re a great vet that would fare better in an actual vets office or hospital, somewhere less emotionally taxing. I’ll be a fair reference. I just don’t think it’ll work out with you here, so that’s it. You’ll be given your salary portion up to this day in this month.” Jeremy drops his head now.

 

“Jer,” Dan whispers, shaking his head at Jeremy.

 

Jeremy nods at Phil. Phil looks between the two of them as if pleading for a solution. Dan's mouth opens and closes multiple times like a fish out of water and Jeremy stays quiet. Phil is turning on his heels an instant later, jogging through the clinic door.

 

“What have you done?” Dan asks, moving right in front of Jeremy.

 

“I didn’t do this out of spite, I swear it. But he will be fine, I can talk to some of the vet office owners I know,” Jeremy says.

 

Dan shakes his head, “You’ve disliked him since the Christmas party shit. This isn’t fair.”

 

Jeremy shakes his head. “It wasn’t easy to do that, I swear, Dan.” His voice shakes.

 

Dan turns away from him and walks to the clinic section, pushing open the door.

 

Phil is crying. Leaning against the clinic bench and crying with gasping breaths and a wet face. Dan rushes forward and wraps his arms around Phil’s middle before he can think to ask if it’s alright. Phil just clutches back at him, placing his face in Dan’s neck.

 

“I’m sorry, fuck him. Fuck him.” Dan says.

 

“Don’t” Phil shakes his head.

 

“No, I mean it.”

 

“No, he’s your boyfriend, you don’t hate him.”

 

“Sometimes I think I do,” Dan says, but Phil is pushing out of his grasp and leaning against the counter, trying to breathe.

 

“God, I’m so stupid, I—oh fuck.” A sob rips out of Phil’s chest much louder than before and makes Dan’s heart lurch. Phil is crying louder now, loud and messy, his voice whining with the force. He buries his face in his hands and Dan moves forward, gently grabbing his wrist, but Phil doesn’t budge. He feels tears moisten his own eyes.

 

“I have to—God, I have to leave Bear,” Phil whines, sniffing back snot.

 

The pain in Dan’s chest erupts and a sob comes out as a hiccup, and tears are falling down his face now, too.

 

“Oh, Bear,” he says, his eyebrows raised in worry.

 

They stand and cry, Phil with panicked, shaky breaths and trembling hands, and Dan with slow tears constantly streaming, a defeated look on his face.

 

He stares at Phil helplessly, until the breaths finally slow.

 

Phil finds a bag of tissues in one of the cabinets, grabbing them each a handful. It feels like his tears might never end, and Dan wonders when he last let himself be this messy in front of someone.

 

They eventually breathe easier, and Phil steps forward to give Dan a warm hug.

 

“If anything, I’m glad things are healed between us, you know before I was gone. I’m not bitter and I don’t feel like you’re all that awkward anymore. I’m glad that happened before I left.” Phil says, letting go rather quickly and grabbing a tissue to blow his nose.

 

Dan feels a bit surprised to hear Phil talking about what happened between them. It feels weird to hear it sound like something that happened lifetimes ago. Dan doesn’t feel that same closure, he doesn’t think.

 

“I’ll miss you,” he says.

 

“Thanks,” Phil says, a strange reaction Dan thinks. Maybe Phil had a hard time with Dan here. Maybe he’s just a bit dumbfounded now, he’s looking around the room like he’s in shock. Like he’s trying to memorize all the posters on the walls.

 

“I’m going to get my stuff. Do you think I can stay till the end of the day?” Phil asks.

 

“Yeah, I’m sure you can.”

 

He thinks Phil might want space now, walking out of the clinic quickly and leaving Dan behind. The nerves and devastation are still obviously upon him.

 

Dan walks slowly back to his desk, glaring at Jeremy’s closed door, and finds a note on his desk. _Call Maxime and Grace and see what shifts they can cover for the next two weeks, please - Jeremy. P.S. I’m sorry._

 

Maxime and Grace will be devastated, too, Dan is sure of it. He doesn’t want to hear their reactions, Grace will probably cry.  He doesn’t know if he’s ever been madder at Jeremy, not after all the fights they’ve had the last few years. He throws the post it note into the air but it catches the wind and falls straight down, completely unsatisfying.

 

He hears the dogs barking louder than usual, some rustling of the cages like they might be jumping up. They can probably feel the heartbreak in the air, Dan thinks.

 

He is itching to go in the back. Phil is grateful for their peace, apparently, but does he want their friendship?

 

He does eventually, waiting for the ugly clock to show it’s one hour later. He sits and does nothing but stress, flicking through emails without reading any.

 

The only work he actually completes is calling Maxime and Grace, which takes up most of his time. They both cry when he tells them what happened. For the first time, he gets the inkling that they dislike Jeremy.

 

He walks back slowly and carefully as if his footsteps are an affront to everyone around him. Like he’s walking on a thin sheet of ice.

 

He thinks he has an idea of what to expect when he turns the corner, Phil and Bear solemnly playing on the floor somewhere. He steps around the little gate they put up when customers want to play with the pets in the back room and his mouth falls open.

 

The cone is discarded on the floor and Phil is laying down, too. Bear is hopping around, the end of a tug-a-war toy in his mouth while Phil tugs the other gently. Bear stumbles around but is surprisingly good at hopping on his three legs now. If he falls, he catches himself on his shoulder.

 

But Bear isn’t the only one out of his cage. Every single gate is open. Not every cat left their sleeping spots, but a few are lounging around on the floor, and three are on the armchair in the back. One is hopping around with a little mouse.

 

The dogs, Billy, Teddy, and Bella, are on leashes tied to the gate but are chewing on toys, and Bella and Teddy are snapping at each other but even Dan can see it’s playful. They’re the rambunctious dogs. Belinda and Shiba are let free but they’re just taking the time to sprawl out on the floor as far away from their designated cages as they can get in the room. Toys look like they’ve been thrown everywhere.

 

Dan steps carefully, staring around at the zoo. The area seems a lot nicer now that the pets are free. Free as can be.

 

“It’s the goodbye party,” Phil says, rolling fully on his back to look upside down at Dan. Bear trots up to his face and licks Phil’s ear.

 

“Can I join? I wish I had cake,” Dan says, part of him wishing he’d thought of that before. Some sort of sweet as a parting gift.

 

“Now I want cake, thanks.”

 

Dan lays down, a bit hesitant, on the hard floor next to Phil. He wonders if it has been sanitized recently.

 

“Sometimes when I’m sad, I roll around on the floor, too,” Dan says.

 

“It’s cathartic somehow.”

 

“It’s a bit crazy in here.”

 

“I had to do one last act of rebellion before I left. I felt bad going too crazy, though, so I still put the gate up. I kind of hope Jeremy comes out and has an aneurysm at the sight.”

 

Dan laughs at that. “He would.”

 

“I think I have enough excuse to complain about your boyfriend now. He’s been a real dick to me for the last year and a half. He came in here every morning and complained about everything.”

 

“A lot of it is probably my fault.”

 

“I mean, yeah,” Phil says. A smile dances on Phil’s mouth and Dan snorts.

 

It’s quiet for a few moments. Dan wonders what’s appropriate to say right now. He’s not sure if he’ll ever see Phil again, and the thought hits him harder than he expects. He wants to blurt out everything he’s ever kept inside.

 

“I’m sorry,” is all he says. He’s not sure if Phil will know he’s not just talking about today.

 

“I forgive you,” Phil says, and Dan’s pretty sure he understands.

 

Bear walks over and lays in between them, back against Dan’s side.

 

“Take care of Bear when I’m gone?” Phil asks.

 

“I promise.”

 

“Please cuddle him sometimes. He also likes to chew on toys, he doesn’t rip them up so you can leave it in the cage. He likes bacon treats if you think to get them. Try to sell him to any nice family that comes in, he can walk on three legs amazingly now, and he can run, too, on flat surfaces. He’ll never bite a human and he only barks when you play.” Phil says. Dan feels his eyes tearing up again.

 

“Yeah, Phil. I promise. Won’t you come and visit him?”

 

“Yeah. But I don’t particularly want to come back here much. And I’ll have to get another job.”

 

“I guess. Do you have the same number?” Dan asks.

 

“Uh, yeah?”

 

“I can keep you updated on Bear.”

 

“That would be really nice, yeah.”

 

Dan doesn’t go back to the front, but he migrates to the armchair eventually, playing with the cats he never saw before. One of them hisses and leaves. There is only one altercation with Teddy and a big orange tabby but Phil grabs them quickly. Phil stays with Bear otherwise, cuddling and playing until the last minute.

 

Jeremy comes out when his shift is almost done and his eyes pop out of his head.

 

“Oh, jeez,” he says, but Dan finds it hard to see it as humorous after the day. Phil sits up, looking a bit worried. Jeremy sighs.

 

“Need help getting them back in their cages?” Jeremy asks.

 

“No, it’s alright,” Phil says.

 

“Okay. I’ll wait at the front, Dan, when you’re ready to go home.”

 

Jeremy walks away and Dan feels frustrated again. The little goodbye party isn’t helping anymore.

 

Work was finally beginning to feel fun to show up, too. He can’t kid himself that it’s all because of Bear. He and Phil could have been friends the last two years. Maybe more, if he’d been a bit braver. He wonders how things would be if that happened, if he’d been honest to Jeremy and left. It’s doubtful they’d even have this job if that were the case.

 

Phil stands up and begins picking cats up, having to move the chair to find their hiding spots. He counts them all, it really is too many cats, and then gives all the dogs treats as they go in their cages, two in each. He stares at the bag for a moment and begins throwing the milk bones through the holes in the gate.

 

“A treat for you! And a treat for you! And you!” Dan laughs, watching as he leaned against the far wall. Phil stops when there are only a few left.

 

Bear is still sitting on the floor, and Dan swears he looks sad. He’s fully pouting, with big brown eyes. Phil walks over, sits down, and Bear buries his face between Phil’s legs, collapsing down rather awkwardly.

 

“Dogs always know when you’re leaving them.” Phil pets him around his neck, ruffling up the short fur. “There’s a dog that’s famous in Japan. His owner went to work every day on the train and when he got back, his dog would be waiting for him. One day, the owner dies, but for nine years the dog kept going back to the train, just waiting for his owner to return. He would sit there for hours. Always loyal.”

 

Phil is crying now, tears streaming fast but without the violent sobs of before. He wipes it on his shirt and breathes heavily and deliberately, trying to calm down.

 

Dan blinks furiously. He’s sick of crying, it’s given him a headache. He wants to walk out to Jeremy stoic and angry.

 

“I’m going to miss you the most, Bear. Someone will love you, so much, just as much as I do, I promise.” Phil wipes his face again, putting the cone around Bear’s neck before standing up.

 

“C’mon, Bear,” he says, but the dog stays firmly planted. “C’mon!” He tugs at his collar but the dog makes no movement. Phil picks up Bear and for the first time, the dog squirms. Phil struggles to put him in the cage and close the door, tossing treats in like he’s trying to get rid of them.

 

Bear starts barking then, loud and aggressive, right at the exit to the gate. He jumps and nearly falls.

 

“No, Bear. It’s okay. I love you, Little Bear.” Phil is crying still. Dan should have known such a sweet guy would feel so much. He watches, helplessly and sad, as Phil all but runs out of the room, to Bear barking madly. The other dogs start joining in at the excitement, making a huge ruckus that makes Dan’s head pound.

 

When he gets to the front, Jeremy looks wide-eyed and pouty. He no doubt saw Phil’s tears as Phil left.

 

Dan walks in front of him, hearing the loud barks follow them into the parking lot. It’s chaos in there, he thinks. Like a riot.

 

***

 

When Jeremy and Dan were on the train home from the London Christmas Party, Dan could practically hear the gears turning in Jeremy’s head as he thought deeply. Dan’s stomach was churning with guilt.

 

“It was probably exciting to have the attention from Phil,” Jeremy said, to the surprise of Dan. The train was packed but Jeremy didn’t seem to care about the people listening around them.

 

“What? No,” Dan said, quickly.

 

“I’m not blaming you. I was thinking things have been kind of...bland, lately. If you felt like it was fun getting hit on, I understand. Even though you don’t have feelings for him.”

 

“I guess it’s a nice feeling to have attention.”

 

“I don’t think I’ve been giving you much attention lately,” Jeremy said.

 

Dan stayed quiet. It was true, they didn’t do much.

 

“I’m fucking jealous of Phil. I thought about him trying to kiss you and it made my blood boil. It made me want to have you right then and there, to treasure every moment.” Dan stared at him, slightly in shock. His stomach turned with unmistakable butterflies.

 

“Give me another chance, Dan. You’re the one for me and I’m going to do anything to make you happy.”

 

Their relationship had gotten better last year. Worlds better, before he could even think about breaking up with him. Dan thinks the passion over being jealous and nearly losing each other is the only thing that made it exciting. He thinks its the only thing that stopped Jeremy from being an asshole for a while.

  


 


	7. Chapter 7

Jeremy is following Dan in the house, rambling on, sounding more defeated than angry.

 

“Do you really think this is an acceptable relationship? We fight, you sass me and then ignore me until I apologize and then it all starts again, about the same damn issues! Why don’t you ever try to see my side? Do you think it would be better for the whole shelter to shut down so all of us lose our jobs? I’ve given Phil endless second chances! And maybe I didn’t want to have him working with you after he had feelings for you, but I didn’t fire him then, did I? Stop making me out to be so unreasonable, like I’m some fucking monster who wants nothing more than to hurt him. I feel guilty as hell!” Dan walks to the bedroom, the only reason being it’s the farthest walk and he doesn’t want to turn around.

 

“Will you talk to me? Will you try to put the effort in?” Jeremy asks, trying to walk around to the front of Dan, who turns away.

 

“I don’t know, Jeremy. I think this relationship has some real issues.”

 

“Yeah, I agree with you there,” Jeremy says. Dan looks at him and Jeremy is hunched over, looking tired and stressed.

 

“I don’t want to ignore you to be petty, I think I need to think about things,” Dan says.

 

“Fine. But don’t shut me out forever.”

 

“Okay.” Dan walks out, going straight to his office.

 

***

 

The first day back at work since the Christmas party was nerve-wracking, to say the least. Phil hadn’t returned his texts and it was just the three of them there.

 

Phil wasn’t coming to the front, it seemed, and Dan didn’t really expect him to. He walked to the clinic and watched Phil clip Belinda’s toenails for a moment, receiving no greeting from Phil.

 

“Hey,” he said finally.

 

“Hey.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Dan said.

 

“Okay.” Phil focused intently on his job, not looking up at Dan once.

 

Dan wasn’t sure what to say or do. He wasn’t sure what he even expected.

 

 _Tell me to break up with him and I will,_ he thought, but Phil was hurt. Too hurt to forgive, maybe.

 

His job, relationship and well-being were on the line if he made things unstable, Dan thought. A crush wasn’t worth it.

 

“I hope we can be friends, still?” slipped out of Dan’s mouth, as the silence dragged on.

 

“Yeah. I don’t want there to be any problems between us, or with Jeremy.”

 

“Of course, there won’t be. We’ll be okay?”

 

“Yeah, Dan.”

 

He went back to his desk feeling like he’d missed the chance of a lifetime. There was nothing he could do about it.

 

***

 

Dan makes a sandwich for dinner, not for the sake of his appetite but because he’d skipped lunch and is feeling a bit faint. He watches a few YouTube videos on his PC but they aren't distracting enough. He calls his Grandma and listens to her talk about what she’s been up to, church drama, mostly. She asks how work and Jeremy and everything is and he promptly tells her he has to go. He looks at the books on his shelf, all thought-provoking, amazingly written and unread gems but he decides he doesn’t have the emotional energy.

 

When Jeremy goes to bed, Dan gets a quilt from the closet and sleeps on the couch. He thinks he may never sleep next to Jeremy again unless he wakes up with an epiphany telling him otherwise.

 

He doesn’t think he’s particularly mad. He doesn’t hate Jeremy, for all his stuck up, condescending and often rude ways. He thinks he just wants out. He’s beginning, once again, to daydream about Phil more than he thinks about his boyfriend, about mess and nerdy things, about passion and rebellious selflessness, about the entrancing combination of black hair, pale skin, and blue eyes on a man with shaky fingers who cries a lot. Even if he doesn’t get Phil, he needs to find someone who isn’t Jeremy.

 

Being in love was very clear and obvious for a time, he could have sworn on his grandma that he wanted to spend his life with Jeremy, but he can’t find that part of him anymore.

 

He feels a rush of excitement, a plan to do better for himself. A plan to find a new job or go back to school, to meet new people and have friends of his own, to find a love that lasts, not by force but by desire.

 

He feels like he owes Jeremy a lot. Owes him more than a breakup during a stressful time. Dan also feels like Jeremy has more potential than he’s showing.

 

Dan doesn’t sleep much. He’s deep in thought, alternating between horrible feelings of guilt and uncertainty and then becoming excited at the thought of doing something with his life. Not feeling like he’s wasting away at a desk with a love life that’s been nonexistent for years anymore.

 

He still drives Jeremy to work in the morning. He can’t say it’s not awkward, but it would have been worse if they weren’t on the same page right now. Dan is pretty sure they’re on the same page for once, realizing an inevitable end is coming. Dan finds himself hoping Jeremy is ready for it.

 

Maxime is working while Grace agreed to take the rest of this weeks days. Dan walks in the back and hugs Maxime, having to bend down a great deal.

 

“He left me and Gracey goodbye notes, he was such a kind man. I knew we had too many cats but I didn’t say anything, either. It just doesn’t seem fair, we could get another cage or just let them loose in the building! They’re cats, what are they going to do? Oh, I should have adopted the extras but my daughter said I have too many cats,” she whines, her mouth in a tight line.

 

“It doesn’t seem fair. So many pets are coming in while no one wants to adopt them. It’s not Phil’s fault.” Dan frowns.

 

“It’s not, definitely not. Let’s look at the bright side, though. He can do better than a sad little animal shelter, just walking dogs every day and doing little checkups. He’s overqualified for this place, he graduated top of his class, you know, he can easily be one of the best vets in that animal hospital nearby. He says he doesn’t like to see all the injured pets but I think he just might consider it after Bear,” she says.

 

“He’s smart." Dan agrees, but with a bit of wonderment. "How is Bear doing?”

 

“He snapped at me today,” she whispers, probably for Jeremy’s sake. “I don’t blame him, though, he’s devastated.”

 

Dan nods but pouts towards his cage. “Poor pup, I hope he can be happy with another family.”

 

“I’m sure he will be.”

 

Dan walks back to his desk. He stares at the clock until the tiny second's hand makes a full loop. He stares at his computer, at the swirling screensaver he switched back to, suspended in the darkness of the computer. He looks down at the note he had written yesterday, ramblings of questions about the meaning of life.

 

 _What separates a human from any other tangible object?_ He had written. That seems a bit absurd now. It had to be love and passion and feelings. He can't strip away what he feels within himself.

 

He has another book in his pocket, the edges poking his side. Something by Nietzsche that he found on his bookshelf, but he doesn’t want to read right now. He wants to sit and listen to the annoying tick tick tick and stare at his screensaver.

 

He hears Jeremy walking around, to the warehouse and then back to his office. Fifteen minutes later, Dan sees Maxime trudging down the hall, eyeing up the office door, and he knows somethings up. She comes right to his chair and leans close to his ear, supporting herself with a hand on his desk.

 

“I have bad news,” she says in a low voice. He feels instantly nervous.

 

“What is it?”

 

“Jeremy couldn’t find any shelters to transfer the pets to. After looking at the assessments he wants to put down the three oldest cats and Bear.” She looks at him worriedly. Dan’s stomach sinks.

 

“He can’t, he’s still a puppy!” Dan whispers harshly.

 

“I don’t want to put all the blame on your man, hun, it’s policy. We can’t keep pets with serious injuries for too long when they're suffering. I agree with you, though. The cats have been here for long enough, but Bear deserves a chance at life. Phil would be devastated.” She stares at him with a funny look, deep in his eyes.

 

“Can we put in a rebuttal? Should I try to convince Jeremy?” He offers, searching her face. There’s something sneaky within her wrinkle lines.

 

“It’s not Jeremy, our hands will be forced by the organization soon enough. You need to get the dog out of here and make Phil adopt him,” she says, as though it's obvious.

 

Dan sputters for a moment. “He would have adopted him if he could! Grace said his landlord doesn’t allow it.”

 

“There are always things to be done. You’re his good friend again, he told me, you can convince him. He’d do anything for that dog!”

 

Dan thinks for a minute, staring down at his empty desk. He feels a bit caught up on Phil calling him a good friend.

 

That dog had a horrible life. Wherever he began, he ended up dumped and injured, then was put directly into a small, crowded cage with a cone on his head and a hurting arm. The only consolation Dan ever had was that things would get better one day. Phil would be crushed more than Dan.

 

“Maybe…” he begins. “Maybe if he sees Bear and I tell him what’s happening, he won’t be able to say no? His brother lives close, Bear could go there. Maybe he can convince his landlord. Maybe he will think about moving. He loves that damn dog.” Dan’s eyes widen at Maxime and she smiles.

 

“I knew you’d understand. The rules here are bullshit, I can’t see this happen to that dog,” she says, surprising Dan a bit with the vulgarity.

 

“Should I really kidnap the dog, though?” He asks, his heart rate picking up speed.

 

“Jeremy won’t fire _you,_ ” she says.

 

“I don’t know about that,” he laughs quietly. “ Okay, yeah, I’ll find some other home for that dog, someone to pay for its surgery,” he says, determined. “Hell, I’ll get a loan and fix him up.”

 

He stands and she smiles. He finds the bright yellow adoption sheets behind his desk and folds one up to shove in his pocket. They walk to the back together, quiet past the office.

 

“We’ll figure it out,” he whispers.

 

He opens the cage and Bear comes right over to his arms, hopping and limping.

 

“Backdoor,” she whispers, “so it doesn’t chime.”

 

“Hey, Bear, wanna go for a car ride?” He coos quietly, then picks him up, letting Maxime shut the gate behind.

 

A noise makes his head shoot up. The office door is opening now and Jeremy locks eyes with him, walking closer. He stops a few steps away, eyeing up Dan who’s holding Bear with guilty eyes. His expression is blank and unreadable.

 

“What are you doing?” Jeremy asks. Dan wants to just walk out. He shuffles on the spot and thinks he sees Maxime migrate into the corner more, trying to look busy all of a sudden. They were caught, of course, the walls are paper thin.

 

Dan clears his throat, willing an excuse to come to his mind. It doesn’t.

 

“Honestly,” he takes a deep breath. “I want to try to get Bear adopted before we put him down.”

 

This is the day he’s going to fight Jeremy back on his fucking policies. Stand his ground. He doesn’t really care if he gets fired anymore, he can just walk right out with the dog.

  
“Okay,” Jeremy says. Dan stares at him for a few moments, waiting for more, but then he relaxes his face.

 

“Alright. You and Maxime can watch the front?” Dan says, voice quiet.

 

“Yeah.” Jeremy is walking back already. Dan isn’t sure if he’s angry, defeated, or even happy about Dan’s plan. But he’s not going to fight him today.

 

With a small salute at Maxime, he hurries out the back door, letting her shut it behind him. He hurries around the building to his shitty Honda Civic in the parking lot. He places Bear in the passenger seat and rolls the window down, feeling his heart beating out of his chest. He looks back, almost expecting Jeremy to be walking out after him with a glare on his face, to say _no, this isn’t policy_! but it doesn’t happen.

 

He pauses, suddenly realizing he doesn’t know where Phil lives.

 

He finds the old number for Phil in his phone, texting out _whats ur adress?_ and then _are u home?_

 

He ignores the bad spelling and grammar and waits. Phil sends back _why?_ But then an address follows. Dan copies it into his google maps without replying.

 

It’s a bit of a far drive, out in the suburbs, but Bear keeps standing up to stick his head out the window, looking blissful as his short fur ruffles in the wind.

 

Phil lives in a small, one-floor house that’s surrounded by nice parks but looks relatively rundown itself, with chipped and faded paint and missing shingles. The garden in the front is the one thing that makes it look welcoming and bright, with a rainbow assortment of flowers growing haphazardly throughout the dirt.

 

He carries Bear in one arm, feeling a tail repeatedly hitting him in the back.

 

 

“You’re getting heavy, Bear. Phil gives too many treats,” he mumbles.

 

He’s a bit nervous now. He can’t see Phil getting mad over this, but he might think Dan’s being rash and stupid. He would have adopted Bear if he could have, wouldn’t he? Was this rubbing salt in the wound? Maybe he should have let Bear come to his fate and told Phil that Bear has been adopted, just to give him peace of mind.

 

He walks up and rings the doorbell anyway. Then knocks on the door, just in case it didn’t work. He bounces on the spot, double checking the number on the house, but he hears someone walking inside.

 

Phil opens the door and already looks shocked. Dan smiles a bit bashfully, his adrenaline from before decreasing. Bear squirms and shakes his tail wildly, letting out a whining noise, until Dan not so gracefully shoves the dog into Phil’s arms. He takes the dog at least.

 

“What the hell, Dan? Oh, hello, you.” Phil sounds serious and concerned but changes his tone when he talks to Bear, putting his face right to Bears nose. Another dog is at Phil’s legs now, a little panting corgi, and Phil stands awkwardly to block the entrance but the dog pushes between his legs. The dog jumps up to Bear, barking and then jumps up on Dan’s legs.

 

“I have an inquiry,” Dan says, shuffling on the spot, and putting his hands out for the dog in front of him now. He peeks in the house and swears he sees a bunny hop around the corner.

 

“My landlord will kick me out,” Phil says before Dan can explain.

 

“Well, I thought you could ask for an exception…” Dan begins.

 

“Don’t you think I’ve tried?”

 

“Well…”  


“I also can’t afford his surgery! I know it’s sad and all, but I can’t take him.” Phil begins rocking Bear as though he’s a baby and the dog licks his cheek.

 

“Just listen—”

 

“He’s young enough that he can easily get attached to another family. Preferably some middle-class family with a soft spot for hurt puppies! Why’d you have to bring him out here? Now I just feel guilty.”

 

“He’s going to get put down,” Dan says, wincing at the expression suddenly on Phil’s face.

 

“Oh, baby,” Phil says, pouting down at the dog. “Oh, fuck, you don’t deserve this life.”

 

Phil turns and walks further in his house, so Dan follows and closes the door carefully, with the corgi swarming his legs like a rambunctious fish. He stops moving out of fear of stepping on it.

 

Phil is pacing over a small spot, corgi now following, and he looks like he’s fretting a great deal while hugging Bear. The corgi is barking again.

 

He watches Phil for a moment, fidgeting and fretting, and Dan feels a bit guilty for finding Phil so cute at the moment. He’s wearing black jeans and a loose blue hoodie with bright socks, (sharks and cactuses?). The hood is bunching up on his shoulder as if he’s just been laying down, and his glasses are a bit crooked but he doesn’t seem to notice.

 

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to stress you out so much. I should have called instead, I just...I was impulsive I guess,” Dan says, a bit shy.

 

“No, Dan, it’s okay...oh shut up, you jealous little shit. I’ll let you guys meet, now. Be nice, Thor,” Phil says to the corgi. He bends down, one hand holding the corgi’s collar while he awkwardly sets Bear down. He keeps holding the collar while they sniff each other.

 

“You did not name that little thing Thor. Are you serious,” Dan says, lips widening into an endeared smile.

 

“Yeah. This is The Mighty Thor, the bunny is Holly 2, the cat is Buffy, and the turtle over there is Captain Hook. Welcome to the zoo. Oh, the fishes have a lot of names but that would take a while. I do have a Nemo.” Phil slowly lets Thor go and the dogs walk in circles, trying to sniff each other.

 

“They like each other, that’s good,” Dan says.

 

“I don’t know, Thor’s being a bit obnoxious. The family that rents out the basement is going to murder me if he doesn’t shut up.”

 

Phil looks a bit frazzled at the dogs running around now, but they slow down a bit and eventually, Thor just goes and sits by the wall, watching the puppy.

 

Dan stares at Phil expectantly, but Phil avoids his gaze and puts a hand on his head like he’s stressed, staring down at Bear.

 

“Should I...take him back?” Dan asks slowly.

 

“Oh, what the hell, let me call the landlord again. Oh, you can sit if you want, do you want a drink or anything?” Phil asks.

 

“Oh, no, it’s fine,” Dan says, but finally slips off his shoes and walks in. Phil takes out his cell phone from his hoodie pocket and walks through another hallway with Bear at his feet so Dan goes and sits with the cat, who runs away at his arrival.

 

He looks around and is a bit overwhelmed by how _Phil_ it is inside, and it’s not just the bunny he can now clearly see hopping around with free will, or the cat on the couch to his right, or the aquarium of fish next to the TV or the _other_ large tank by the window with a turtle in it. It’s the plants spread around, little pots lining the window and large trees in the corner. It’s the marvel paintings and one large poster with all of Muse album covers that Dan sees with a lurch of excitement. There is a bookshelf absolutely crammed with DVD’s and another wonky bookshelf with board games. There are little toys and stuffed animals, of which it is hard to tell what is for a pet and what is meant to sit on a shelf for colourful decoration. It isn’t clean in any manner, either, a Jenga game has topped over on the table, plushies and kongs line the floor, and a pair of socks lay next to the sofa.

  
“Hey! I had a question about the dog I was asking about before, I was hoping you’d...no, I remember,” Dan can hear clearly from down the hall.

 

Dan bites his lip worriedly, staring at the turtle by the window, a tiny guy sitting in a ray of sun.

 

“It’s just, no I know, but he’s going to be put down if I don’t take him.” Pause. “No, there’s no one else, believe me, I’ve tried asking around. He’s so calm, though, only three good legs so he won’t be running around, never barks, potty trained, doesn’t chew on furniture, I _swear,_ and I’ll replace it if he does.”

 

Thor comes over to Dan and jumps right up on his lap. The weight is comforting, the smell of his breath is less so.

 

“Um...yeah he’ll get pretty big. But big dogs tend to be calmer and less loud, you know!”

 

Dan thinks he hears Phil sigh, but he can’t be sure. He wants to follow and give him a hug in support or something.

 

“How about...okay, what if you increase my rent for the extra liability? It’s up to you.” Another long pause. “Yeah, I could do that.”

 

Dan’s mouth falls open. He should have guessed how much Phil loves that damn dog.

 

“Thank you! Oh, I promise it’ll be okay, I appreciate it very much. Yes, I’ll sign it next time I see you, and you can meet the dog and see how calm he is. Thank you so much, Wendy.”

 

Phil is rushing back into the living room and Bear is hopping just a few steps behind. Dan stands up, smiling.

 

“He can stay! We did it! But if I don’t get a job in the next two days I will starve to death because I’m running out of money,” Phil says, looking a little nervous. His eyes are wide but he’s smiling.

 

Dan is just about to offer a hug when Phil picks up Bear and collapses on the couch. He hugs the dog, staring at him like he’s a bit in shock.

 

“Oh shit, the surgery! Well...maybe my parents will lend me some money. Oh my God. It hasn’t settled in. I can’t believe I convinced Wendy, she was so dead set when I asked her before. Bear! You’re going to stay with me forever now! I’m your new daddy,” Phil says. Bears tail starts shaking fast at the excitement in Phil’s voice, and Dan thinks Bear probably knows what’s going on.

 

“Don’t say daddy,” Dan says, laughing, with the hunch that Phil’s just trying to amuse him. He scoots next to Phil, smiling at the both of them, and feels Thor jump up again.

 

“Oh, I won’t forget about you ever, Thor,” Phil says. Dan feels a bit like he’s observing a happy family. He can’t get the smile off his face, it all feels like how it should be. He pulls out the adoption sheet, passing it to Phil.

 

“Oh, great! I can’t believe Jeremy let you take him all the way out here for this. I don’t think I could say no to this,” Phil says, smiling.

 

“Yeah. Me too. I was going to literally just kidnap him but Jeremy caught me and didn't even stop me,” Dan says.

 

“This has gotta be going against, like, twelve policies.”

 

“I know right. It was Maxime’s idea, too,” Dan says.

 

“I’m not surprised. She’s sneaky. She snuck a cat home under her coat once because it was getting bullied, then she brought it back when the asshole cat was adopted. Jeremy never noticed.” Dan sputters and laughs loudly, suddenly regretting the lack of times he spent in the back making friends.

 

“I’m glad it worked. You’d say no to me on the phone but you can’t say no to Bear.”

 

“That’s true. I kept thinking about him, though, I was thinking about going back all the time. I think I would have just done it if no other family took him.”

 

“Good,” Dan says, petting the dog.

 

“Are you and Jeremy doing alright? I don’t want you to fight over me if that’s why you’re rebelling. I understand why he fired me, I’d basically been on parole because of all the times I pulled shit like that. I don’t want to be the cause for your problems,” Phil says.

 

“No, Phil, we have a lot of underlying problems, it’s not you. But how he treats you was frustrating to me because it shows who he is as a person. He’s always been petty and rude and entitled when he thinks he has power, and I know he’s not a monster but I still have some fundamental issues with him that we haven’t been able to fix since we started dating,” Dan says.

 

Phil stares at him with such understanding that he suddenly wants to rant about it all.

 

“I think I’ve gotten pretty comfortable in the relationship, we fight and then don’t do anything about it and I think we’re both too scared to leave. Honestly, I should have left him a couple years ago when I first started thinking about it and…. I think I’d better end things now, stop sitting and waiting for something to happen.” Dan feels his hands trembling ever so slightly just saying it all out loud.

 

“That’s still hard, Dan, I’m sorry. It’s so easy to get comfortable with things. I think I’m the same a little bit, everyone told me to go to the animal hospital but I got scared and only applied for jobs that involve picking up shit rather than actual veterinary work. I’ve been thinking about it a lot now. Let’s both promise to not settle or be so scared?” Phil asks and puts his pinky out.

 

Dan stares at it for a moment, endeared more than anything, then wraps his pinky around it.

 

“Yeah. Gotta take chances.”

 

A thought to ask Phil out crosses his mind in an instant. Soon, he thinks. If Phil even likes him still.

 

 

He suddenly feels like life has passed him by too fast. Like he needs to slot himself into a new situation immediately and start over. This isn’t the time to think about that, though, there are other things to worry about.

 

He thinks he might be devastated if everything falls through now that he’s dead set on fixing his life.

 

“Can I come visit Bear? Sometimes?” Dan blurts out, glancing up at Phil. _And you?_

 

“Yeah, if you want. I’d like that.” Phil smiles at him and he feels a bit calmer.

 

“Cool, okay. If you need help with anything, let me know. I feel bad you got fired.”

 

Phil shrugs. “It’ll be nice to have a little break to just watch anime and sleep.”

 

“When I get fired today I just might come and join you,” Dan smiles. He’s itching to ask what other media Phil likes, to find out just how similar they really are, but he feels a lurch of panic. “Shit, what time is it?”

 

He pulls out his phone and the workday is ending soon. He can’t leave Jeremy stranded. He hesitates, wanting to say more to Phil.

 

Instead, Phil scrawls out his information on the form and Dan sits and watches him. It’s weird to think that just a year ago Phil was hitting on him every day, constantly watching him and trying to talk to him. Now Dan is scrambling to find an excuse to come and see him.

 

“You’d better get back. I hope everything goes well with Jeremy,” Phil says, standing up. Dan pets Bear, who still has a fast moving tail, and walks to the door to tie up his shoes.

 

“Yeah, I hope you have fun with Bear,” Dan says, sauntering out the door, peering back at Phil.

 

He hurries to his car, taking a final look at the flowers in the yard, and hopes he’ll be brave enough to ask Phil to hang out soon.

 

He drives fast back to work but then takes his time getting out of his car. It's not too late for Jeremy to blow up at him for doing something so unnecessary and stupid, for ‘time theft’ or some bullshit about not tending to the zero customers coming in.

 

He walks down the hall, peeking around the corner to give Maxime a thumbs up. She smiles widely, putting a hand over her heart.

 

He takes a deep breath and walks to Jeremy’s office. He knocks gently and opens the door, hiding the sheet.

 

Jeremy looks tired. Dan hadn’t noticed before, but he has deep eye bags and messy hair, with an annoyingly cluttered desk before him. He gives a small smile, looking relatively calm.

 

“I, uh, got Bear adopted,” Dan says quietly. He pulls the form into view.

 

“That’s great.”

 

“Yeah. I hope I didn’t miss anyone coming in,” he says.

 

“That’s good you convinced him with Bear. No one came in, don’t worry,” Jeremy says, voice low and monotone. He looks almost defeated.

 

“You’re not mad?” Dan asks.

 

“I don’t like killing animals either, Dan. Don’t you know me?” Jeremy says. He’s clearly hurt, that’s what this is, Dan realizes.

 

“No, yeah, of course,” Dan mumbles, sadly.

 

“You can go file it now.” Jeremy is looking down, face so solemn, and Dan walks out the door without saying more.


	8. Chapter 8

Dan texts Phil in the evening, _how’s the pup?_

 

He and Jeremy arrived home and went to separate parts of the house. They are going to talk tonight, they already decided in the car on the way home. The air is solemn and heavy and Dan is itching to get his thoughts out just as much as he wants to hide and never face the current problems. He decides to give himself a few minutes of distraction and calmness, hiding away in his office, before changing his life forever.

 

Phil texts back soon. _Good! Met the rest of the fam and everyone’s getting along. Bear is too nice to fight (but Thor is a bit jelly i think). My Mum says she’ll help with his surgery cost so im calling tomorrow. He’s getting spoiled with treats and toys atm!_

 

Dan smiles at the message, letting the distraction wash over him until he’s back to thinking about Jeremy. He isn’t going to ignore it today.

 

He leaves the office and sits in the lounge, then plays on his phone anxiously until Jeremy comes and sits, hugging Dan immediately. Dan clutches back, almost wanting to keep the comfort of this. His heart starts beating faster at the thought of all he has to say.

 

“So, obviously things have been pretty tense the past little while,” Jeremy says, clearing his throat and pulling back to sit next to Dan.

 

“Yeah, we definitely have to start dealing with it. I think there are a lot of things that have become, like, fundamental issues that we can’t get past,” Dan says, voice a bit shaky.

 

“Yeah. I sometimes feel like you don’t understand me much but I suppose you might feel the same,” Jeremy says. He’s not looking directly at Dan, more at the patterns in the couch between them.

 

“I feel like...even if I understand you, there are still problems. We just don’t seem to get along a lot of the time. Like, the things we do, our perspectives on things...I don’t know.”

 

“Alright, yeah fair.”

 

Dan can feel his pulse through his whole body now, like it’s pumping out his wrists and right on the inside of his skull, drowning out noise with the beat. He finds he can’t look at Jeremy right now, either, and settles for the coffee table in front of the couch. The decorative tray with unread coffee table books and fake flowers placed in the centre with a bit of dust collecting on the sides. He feels a bit like he’s in an Ikea pop up room than his own home.

 

“I think this isn’t working out. I think we’ve grown apart and I...think I’ve fallen out of love.” Dan is a bit surprised to hear it come out of his own mouth. He sees Jeremy nodding slowly in his periphery.

 

“I suppose I feel the same a lot of the time,” Jeremy says. It’s hard to hear the sadness with how distant he is. Voice almost too quiet to hear and monotonous.  


“We can talk more, of course, but...I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently. I think it’s for the best. Maybe we can be in each other's lives and be happier as friends instead.” Dan is proud that he hasn’t cried, but he can hear the tremble in his voice. He almost wishes Jeremy was more emotional so he could let his own feelings out, but this feels quite formal instead.

 

“Can I ask you something?” Jeremy asks, and he feels a bit of fear in his chest.

 

“Of course, anything.”

 

“Did you do anything with Phil?” Jeremy looks at Dan now, eyes unwavering.

 

“No, Jer, I swear to it.”

 

“But did you have feelings?”

 

Dan falls silent, feeling like he has a cork in his throat.

 

“I just want to know. We’re breaking up anyways,” Jeremy says. It sounds so uncaring that Dan immediately feels tears prickle his eyes.

 

“Yes,” he whispers, then clears his throat. “I did lead him on a bit. I should have said.”

 

“Yeah, you should have. I think I always knew anyway. And now?” Jeremy keeps staring at him.

 

“Now what?”

 

“Do you still have feelings?”

 

“Yes.” He drops his head, feeling a tear roll down his cheek. He shakes a bit with the effort to keep himself together.

  
“Well, I guess there’s nothing I could have done.”

 

They are quiet for a few minutes and it drags on like hours to Dan. He feels the guilt intensely in his chest. He feels like he owes Jeremy more for all these years. It would have been easier if Jeremy was the bad guy instead, he thinks.

 

“I think you should get your things and stay somewhere else, then. I don’t think we’ll be good together here and there’s no guest bed. I mean, I know it’s our apartment, but I paid the deposits.” Jeremy says it calm and steady, but it almost sounds more cruel that way.

 

“Oh, yeah, no that’s fair,” Dan says, but he suddenly feels a lot more like shit.

 

He racks his mind for where to stay. He has no family here. He has a few university friends that he meets for coffee every few months, there are the friends Jeremy introduced him to that became the mutual friends they do everything together, and then just the barely casual work friends. Jeremy must know that, too. No one to spring upon for a couch to sleep on. Does he have the money to waste for a hotel? How long will it take to find an apartment he can afford? Is he out of a job now that they’ve broken up?

 

He almost wants to yell at Jeremy. _Now I remember why I want to end it, you’re a petty asshole that thinks he’s right all the time!_ But he sits and nods. A fight is the last thing he can handle. Not when he has to work with this man and split up all their belongings like a damn married couple.

 

He won’t have much to his name, he realizes. He doesn’t know much about being an adult after Jeremy helped him through it all, either.

 

“Let me go pack some clothes,” he says, standing up and all but running out of the room before he can become an emotional mess.

 

He finds their biggest suitcase and begins packing his clothes with as much speed as possible, grabbing about half his closet before stopping. He puts all of his bathroom stuff in a bag and stuffs it in then places his laptop and a bunch of random cords he might need. He shoves it in aggressively to get the zipper closed. He knows he’s probably forgetting a lot of stuff but he’s itching to get out.

 

He leaves without saying goodbye. The one act of pettiness he’ll give. He hopes Jeremy feels bad but he knows he’s always the loser in the ‘making each other feel guilty’ competitions.

 

He gets into his car, grateful for this in his possession at least. He googles motels and hotels near him, sniffing back tears. He scrolls through the price ranges and then finally puts one address in his gps, turns on a Death Grips song and pulls out of his spot quickly.

 

It’s not a long drive but he feels achy and tired walking in anyways. He feels like a mess talking to the front desk, requesting only a night for now. Maybe he will figure something else out, like going back to Reading, except he really doesn't want to admit this failure to his family.

 

The room he is given is dim and musky with peeling flower wallpaper, strange and faded abstract paintings, an off-colour shower and a double bed that doesn't look all that welcoming.

 

He climbs straight under the covers anyway, scratchy and uncomfortable, abandoning his suitcase to the middle of the floor. He then opens his laptop, starting and stopping videos and movies, scrolling aimlessly through social media, any distraction, but feeling like this bad feeling might never end. He doesn’t even know what it is. Anger, sadness, regret, exhaustion? He ought to feel the relief and pride soon. 

 

He sends a text to Phil, feeling like he needs some sort of confirmation of his feelings. 

 

_hey. broke up with jeremy, lol i’m free. (and kicked out of the apartment)_

 

He hits send then reads over the message again. Perhaps he is sounding a bit too scary.

 

_kidding we talked n we’re on the same page about splitting up so that’s good_

 

He hits send again and then leans back and bites his lip. It only takes a minute for a familiar buzzing sound from his lap, but it buzzes again and Dan has momentary panic looking at the caller ID screen with Phil’s name and no photo. He considers ignoring the call and wallowing in his self pity alone but he slowly hits accept after about five rings.

 

“Hey,” he says into the phone, feeling a bit nervous all of a sudden.

 

“Hey! I wanted to see how you were doing.”

 

“Oh, uh, alright.”

 

“It’s good you’re on the same page but I’m sure it’s still tough.”

 

Dan clears his throat. He is kind of itching to talk about it all. He wonders how much he could ramble on before Phil is annoyed, but the call in general makes him feel like they’re _real_ friends rather than awkward ex workmates who should just move on.

 

“Yeah. I mean, it would be worse if I was just breaking his heart ruthlessly, but it’s definitely not great to hear confirmation that our relationship has had huge issues for years now. It kind of feels like I wasted a lot of time,” Dan mumbles.

 

“Hey, it’s not a waste. You wouldn’t have been ready when you weren’t feeling brave enough. I don’t think I’d want to give up on a long-term relationship like that, either.” Phil sounds so understanding and sweet that Dan feels his eyes moisten again. He sinks down on the motel bed and cradles the phone on his shoulder.

 

“Yeah, that’s true. I feel like I’m finally ready to take the fall. I mean, it’s pretty drastic, my whole life is centred around him.” Dan furrows his eyebrows, trying to imagine himself walking into work alone and acting like everything is okay.

 

“It’ll be best in the end. You’re not actually kicked out, though, right?” Phil asks.

 

Dan pauses, huffing out a rather inappropriate laugh.

 

“I should have always expected Jeremy to be a raging asshole when we broke up. I just agreed, I don’t want to make things worse, but God, I just want to rip him apart now.”

 

“That’s not fair. He felt the same way about the break up?” Phil’s voice is high pitched and passionate and Dan feels grateful he’s not the only one who sees the unfairness.

 

He laughs dryly, thinking about the reasons. _H_ _e’s mad because I was (and still am) into you._  Phil wouldn’t be happy about that fact.

 

“Yeah. He has his reasons.”

 

“Well he’s a real dick,” Phil says, and Dan snorts out a laugh.

 

“Yeah, he really is. It’s not just boss-mode Jeremy, he’s always kind of been that way. He was nicer at the start to me but maybe I should have paid more attention to how he really acts.”

 

“Y’know one time he told me to stay away from you?” Phil says and Dan immediately groans, wincing and covering his face with a hand.

  
“No he didn’t,” he says, but of course Jeremy did.

 

“Yeah, cornered me in the back and everything. Said if I ever come onto you again I’ll get fired for mistreatment of animals or something.”

 

“God, I’m so sorry,” Dan shakes his head in disbelief. “He definitely got worse when he was a raging jealous boyfriend.”

 

“Yeah. I hate him a little.”

 

“I should have broke up with him back then,” Dan says.

 

“My new job would have been a bigger shit show of drama if you did that, so I’m kind of glad you didn’t.”

 

He stays silent, he feels a flash of hurt. If he thinks about it more he’ll probably realize it’s unjustified, he thinks, but he doesn’t have the emotional energy.

 

“Where are you staying then? Family?” Phil asks.

 

“No,” Dan laughs sardonically. “A motel.”

 

“What! That’s too expensive, isn’t it? How long are you staying?”

 

“Until I find a shitty apartment somewhere.”

 

“I have a pull out couch, if you want.”

 

Dan’s mouth falls open, but he begins blabbering before he can think. “No, I could not impose like that, that’s too much to ask, nuh uh,” but the thought of staying with Phil was already creating a full fledged fantasy in his mind.

 

“You could help me with the pets! Hey, how about this. I don’t have a car so you could help me go get some stuff from the shop and watch Bear when I’m out so I don’t have to put a cone on him. I’ll repay you by letting you sleep on my shitty couch,” Phil says excitedly.

 

Dan pauses for a moment, he could absolutely offer anything in his power to help Phil and feel like he’s not indebted, but he’s hit with the thought that this fantasy riding out would undoubtedly result in him hitting on Phil.

 

“I don’t know, it’s still too much. Really, it’s my fault I have no friends or family in Manchester. I’ll survive in a motel.”

 

“ _We’re_ friends,” Phil says, and Dan feels a flutter in his chest. He breathes in deeply for a moment.

 

“Yeah, alright. But if I’m there for more than a couple days you have to kick me out.”

 

“Alright. It’ll be fun, we can go to PetSmart and you can keep your mind off Jeremy.”

 

“I haven’t quit my job yet, though, I’m going to be stuck in hell with him tomorrow,” Dan says, feeling the dread settle in his stomach. He’d rather just sink into the sheets and stay here, staring up at the wall for hours instead.

 

“Doesn’t he always give you saturdays off?”

 

“Shit, it’s friday?” He has a breath of relief. “Alright then, we’ll go to PetSmart. I’ll cry over Jeremy while playing with the cats and it’ll be very cathartic,” Dan says, instantly worried that he’s made an inappropriate joke but Phil just laughs through the phone.

 

“Then we can make a voodoo doll of him and throw it into the dogs as a sacrifice,” Phil says, giggling.

 

“You’re actually crazy, but yes, I’m down.”

 

“Alright, I look forward to it. I’m pretty grouchy in the morning so not too early.” Phil say.

 

“Okay. I am a night owl so that will work. I’ll text you in the morning.”

 

“Alright. You’re okay, then?”

 

“Yeah, I’d better go wallow for a while.”

 

“Okay, Dan. Goodnight. Feel better.”

 

“See you.”

 

He hangs up and smiles. He feels a bit exhausted by all of the emotions. He feels undoubtedly elated but like he’s teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown at the same time, so much as a thought about Jeremy just might push him over and make him feel like everything is crashing and burning. It’s the last thing he wants to deal with, he just wants to feel this happiness and calm for now.

 

He opens up his laptop again and starts searching for a feel-good movie. He clicks on Big Hero 6, thinking it might not be the best idea and he will probably cry, but it looks cute anyway.

 

He leans back and thinks about Phil, barely noticing the dialogue. He thinks about driving him around and showing him his music, about walking through stores all domestic, maybe a few open-minded people will think they’re husbands or something. He thinks about playing with his animals and watching Phil play with his animals, about eating together and being able to ask about Phil’s life. He feels horrendously curious about Phil, who he hangs out with, what he does in his free time, what he thinks about the world, and he has a lovely hunch that they’ll get along on a lot of things. He thinks about hanging out into the night until they’re sleepy and then waking up to see Phil again.

 

He thinks Phil probably doesn’t see him as more than a friend, not after this long of being a mess together. A little while of hanging out with Dan as a free man might make him change his mind, though. He fell for him once, he could fall again. The thought is hopeful.

 

It takes a long time to fall asleep. It takes a lot of effort to keep all of his anger and sadness about Jeremy off his mind. He’s worried about how he’ll feel in the morning as he looks out the window to the darkness and the spattering of city lights, so he sets an alarm and tries to relax.

 

***

 

He dreams that he’s back in his childhood home, following his mom and dad through the halls that keep looping around and trying to get them to talk to him. They’re moving too fast for him to even see their faces and all he knows is that they’re disappointed in him and he can’t get them to tell him why. Soon, he walks into another room and it’s the front of the animal shelter and he just sits at the desk. He’s trying to do the paperwork in front of him, but he’s not smart enough to fill it in, and he keeps getting more and more frustrated.

 

***

 

He wakes up in a panic, looking at the sun streaming through the thin curtains and staring around at the unfamiliar sheets. The realization comes with the thought of Phil and he scrambles around looking for his phone to see that it’s only 8am. He relaxes back in the sheets, knowing he won’t be able to go back to sleep with this anxiety surrounding him.

 

Still, he stares at the white ceiling, letting the grogginess wash over him without the sweet call of his brain back into sleep. He doesn’t want to dream or rest, it doesn’t seem like a viable escape right now.

 

The minutes pass and he urges himself to stand up. He counts down from a minute and finally sits up.

 

There’s a cafe connected to the motel so he gets dressed in black jeans and a thin, black sweater and walks over, feeling the wind mess up his already disgruntled hair. He finds it hard to care right now.

 

He orders tea last minute because he knows that he won’t handle all that caffeine well today. He gets a large breakfast sandwich and a bowl of yoghurt with fruit and finishes it in minutes, not realizing how empty his stomach had felt.

 

He always imagines cafe’s as warm and homely, like some liminal space separate from the world where he can be calm and look out the window and think. That isn’t how this place feels, though. He’s sat between a loud family with two kids getting in trouble and an old guy that keeps grunting while he reads his paper. Bright ads on the walls are appalling against the dark wood, and the employees are yelling out orders over already loud coffee machines and it all seems to be blasting into Dan’s head violently. He’s itching to get out already, he has the feeling that people are staring at him and knowing he’s a damn mess. Oh look, what a sad mid-20-year-old, in his prime but homeless if you’re thinking about technicalities, practically alone in the world, and soon-to-be jobless, because he will either give up and quit or his ex-boyfriend will can him for something stupid.

 

He soon escapes, avoiding eye contact with all the customers who are probably too distracted to even care about him, but are making him feel claustrophobic anyways.

 

Checkout time isn't until 11 but he wonders if it’s too early to leave for Phil’s already. He showers for a long time, bending under the short tap and trying to scrape off all the dead skin on his body. He rearranges his suitcase and tries to fold all the shirts that he thinks might wrinkle. He doesn’t think he’s ironed a day in his life, Jeremy always did it.

 

It’s not even half nine, the time is dragging on and he just wants Phil as a distraction. Something to keep his mind from slipping to dark places. He already knows he won’t be able to focus on anything else, any movie or social media will probably make his mind wander more.

 

He thinks about journaling. It would probably help get his anxieties out but he worries if he lets it out, it won’t stop coming. He’d better heal a bit before he opens that dam.

 

He leaves the motel, packing up his stuff and handing in the key. It smelled a bit like mothballs in there and he could hear people walking around the halls and it was stressing him out. Everything is stressing him out, really.

 

Once he has everything packed into his little car he just starts driving, down the first road away. He picks up speed on long stretches, feeling his heart pound as he doesn’t even look around for cop cars, then he slows down at corners because he’s always been scared of hitting someone. The paranoia is building up more than the adrenaline so he starts driving calmer, finding a recognizable road and taking his time getting to Phil’s neighbourhood.

 

He parks a street over from Phil’s house and turns off the engine. He shouldn’t waste all his money on gas when there are other things he has to worry about. He checks his phone, wishing Phil would text him. He gives in and sends one out himself.

 

_hey let me know if u still wanna hang_

 

The best idea is definitely to give Phil an out. No one wants to hang out with some sad moron going through a breakup, especially when said person broke your heart a while ago. His phone dings but he distracts himself by staring at a house down the street for a minute before finally looking at his fate.

 

_Of course! U can come anytime :)_

 

He breathes a sigh of relief. _ill leave in a few, just getting ready_ he texts back. He puts on a timer for thirty minutes in his phone and leans the seat back.

 

It drags on. He looks out his sunroof at the gray clouds and watches the neighbours walk by. He moves twice so he doesn’t look like some creep looking through windows, but it kind of is what he’s doing. He kind of wants to look at the flowers out in Phil’s yard but he doesn’t know what he’d do if he got caught.

 

He plays some stupid apps on his phone and is both relieved and nervous when his alarm sounds. Now he can go to Phil’s and pretend he hasn’t been just waiting for Phil’s attention this whole time.

 

He takes his time getting out of his car anyways, fixing his hair in the mirror and fretting about every little thing, then he walks up, smiling at the two dogs looking at him out the window.


	9. Chapter 9

He can hear Phil running after he rings the doorbell, loud thumps of clumsy footsteps on the hardwood floor until the latch is coming off and Phil is smiling at him.

 

“Hello!”

 

Dogs are at his feet in an instant, too. Thor has brought him a dinosaur toy and Bear is just wagging his tail like crazy. He’s hopping around like it’s no effort at all to do so on three legs and his tongue is flopping out the side of his mouth. Dan stares down at him, thinking anything that looks this pure could surely cheer him up today.

 

“Don’t you look happy, Bear!” Dan exclaims, voice in a high-pitch coo.

 

“He’ll be even happier when we get him lots of toys! Want a drink? Coffee, tea, soda….”

 

“No, I’m okay,” Dan says, walking in and closing the door.

 

“Food? I have cereal or pancake stuff...maybe some waffles.”

 

“No, really, I’m okay.”

 

“Do you want to just bring your stuff in, then? Settle a bit?” Phil asks, standing in the hallway looking a bit restless. The room looks very tidy now, Dan notes, aside from a few dog toys.

 

“I really don’t want to impose, let me just help you run errands for the day?” Dan says. His suitcase is still sitting in his trunk but he suddenly wants to just go wallow alone after this day. Phil gives him an exasperated look.

 

“Don’t be silly, you’re not imposing,” Phil says.

 

“Really, I’d rather go sleep somewhere alone.”

 

“I’ll convince you later.”

 

Dan shakes his head but Phil doesn’t reply, just watches him. He feels a bit self conscious, he could see his eyebags in the rearview mirror and he knows his hair is still a fluffy mop falling on his forehead. He’s head to toe in black and it probably looks depressing all together. Phil is looking a lot more put together in comparison with a nice jean jacket and a graphic tee with blue details over dark skinny jeans that fall a bit loose over his stubby knees. He looks down at his socks and sees foxes.

 

Dan looks around for a moment, taking in all the furniture he saw last time. He scans his eyes over the DVD’s and tries to think of something to say.

 

“So, want to go to PetSmart or wherever?” Dan asks finally.

 

“Yeah, if you want to right now!”

 

“Sure, let’s go.”

 

He watches Phil run around grabbing his keys and wallet and a leash for Bear while Dan stands waiting on the front carpet. Phil scoops up Bear and looks at Dan expectantly.

 

He wishes he cleaned his car before, there’s dirt all over and the floors are matted with dry mud from the last rain. Phil pulls himself in and looks around in wonderment anyways, despite looking uncomfortably large for the small amount of space in the front seat, especially with Bear on his lap. He fiddles with the air freshener that Dan has hanging up, a flavour called “black ice” that Dan chose for it’s monochrome colour and not for the scent that’s admittedly quite gross.

 

He plugs his phone to an aux cord and quickly scrolls to Muse, Phil’s poster coming to mind, and he clicks shuffle. Phil gasps almost immediately.

 

“I love Muse!” Phil exclaims, face lighting up at Dan.

 

“I never would have guessed with that poster you have.”

 

“Oh, right. Well this was the formative band of my teen years, basically.” Dan pulls away from the curb and watches as Bear stumbles a little on Phil’s lap.

 

“Yeah? A little alternative back then, huh?” Dan asks, an amused smile on his face.

 

“Yeah, fully emo with a rats nest of hair posting selfies on Myspace every day,” Phil says, chuckling at himself slightly.

 

“No way.”

 

“Yeah, seriously.”

 

“No, you were probably some wannabe nerd who wore Muse merch but also colourful socks with foxes on them.” Dan let a small smile play on his lips but makes sure his face is set looking exasperated otherwise.

 

“Hey, these are cool,” Phil says, sticking one leg up on the dash, struggling a bit with minimal leg space. “But really, I looked a lot cooler back then. I had a bunch of cool scene followers on Dailybooth and stuff.”

 

Dan isn’t sure if Phil is being serious or not but he laughs anyways. “I need proof, then.”

 

“Fine,” Dan sees Phil pull out his cellphone out of the corner of his eyes and begin tapping away. “To be honest, I wasn’t all that hardcore, and I only listened to a few emo bands but I liked the look.”

 

“Yeah, I can’t see you being all that hardcore,” Dan is about to make a joke about how lame Phil probably was as a teenager but Phil is holding his phone up by the steering wheel and Dan is shocked into silence looking at the photo. It’s in true Myspace fashion, he would know, a downward facing picture with large pixels and excessive exposure. Phil’s hair is big and black, with straightened strands spiking around his face and onto his cheeks. It’s undoubtedly Phil’s face but youthful and smirking in a way that makes Dan feel like he shouldn’t be looking at it. He pries his eyes back to the road in time to see he’s been drifting to the side and he jerks back on the wheel to get back.

 

In another universe, he might have seen Phil pop up on his social media and he probably would have thirsted hard, just like with the other men he was following and getting nowhere with.

 

“Well, I think we would have gotten along back then,” Dan finally says.

 

“Yeah? I could tell you were a bit alternative, you wear a lot of black. Maybe you’re not out of the phase?”

 

“No, I will never escape. Black is the only colour that truly represents me,” Dan says, smiling, but he hopes Phil sees he’s partially serious.

 

“Nah, I think you’re a bit softer than that.”

 

“No way, I’m full edgy.”

 

“I can’t see anyone that works at taking care of sad animals all that edgy.”

 

“Well I didn’t get the job for the sad animals, it was fully for the sake of Jeremy.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Phil sounds a bit awkward now, and Dan glances over, trying to read his expression.

 

“Well, I still like animals anyways. I’m now fully obsessed with dogs,” Dan says.

 

“Yeah, I think anyone could fall for dogs if they’re around them enough.” Phil says.

 

They pull up to the pet store in just a few more minutes. Phil scrambles to put a leash on Bear and they get out, walking slowly to match the hobbling dogs pace.

 

They walk into the large warehouse-like building. It doesn’t smell quite right and Dan can hear the screeching birds all the way at the entrance, but it seems fun to be here anyway. Phil grabs a cart and makes some joke about putting Bear in the baby seat.

 

They walk along the cement floor, the three in a line below bright fluorescent lights to look at a rainbow array of toys and treats. Dan does feel like this is domestic, like it’s completely normal to be out running errands with Phil his coworker. Only his slightly too fast beating heart gives it away that they’re still a bit awkward. He’s pushed down the anxiety and dread he had before but now he feels a bit numb so it’s hard to feel the nerves to the extent he would have on another day.

 

“He needs a dog bed, some bacon treats, kibble, a new leash and collar, some toys, an inflatable cone…” Phil is mumbling and reading off of a little note he pulled out of his pocket so Dan takes Bear’s leash and walks ahead a little bit.

 

The whole world feels different, everything is unfamiliar and he’s completely lacking a place of comfort it feels like. He always had something, his old bedroom or his office to escape to and be alone, but now he’s floating through the day feeling as out of place as can be. This domestic dream he’s been dropped down into must be nothing more than a dream. The dog hobbling in front of him feels like a small comfort and he wants to suck it up, hold onto the things keeping him from a full mental breakdown right now.

 

He’s a bit more distracted when they’re actually looking at stuff. Phil asks him endless questions, _dragon or duck toy? What colour tennis ball? Does this bed look comfy? Do these treats look good?_ He’s surprised he doesn’t feel more exasperated than he does, because none of this matters and he’s pretty sure even Bear doesn’t care about this stuff, but it’s nice to play along with Phil’s exuberant attempts to include him. He laughs wholeheartedly about the various phallic jokes that Phil makes about the dog toys and points out fish that look funny to compare to Phil. He’s teetering on the edge of feeling really shitty about his life but if he tries hard enough, he can get lost in this little day trip, he thinks.

 

All the staff are so lovely. He thinks all the people that dedicate their lives to animals must be so selfless and happy and idealistic. Hell, he’s walking next to the perfect example now. It feels like a lovely profession where you can ignore humans and feel like you’re making a difference nonetheless. He wishes he enjoyed his job more in the last few years, along with a lot of other things, but it would still be hard to shake out the constant nagging to himself about the meaning of life.

 

That’s something he isn’t going to delve into right now, he doesn’t need to go full existential crisis in the middle of PetSmart with a cute vet. He is going to distract himself until he truly fixes his life. He’s going to keep Jeremy and his dead-end job far out of his mind.

 

They both help to shove everything into his tiny trunk and backseat, both laughing about how weak they are lifting the giant bags of dog food.

 

Phil convinces Dan to get tacos with him. They get some takeout and sit in the car with Bear staring at the food (Dan sees Phil share a few bites so he knows who is really at fault) and Dan plays some of his new music, rambling on about Brockhampton to fill the silence. Phil seems to be in a strange mood, nodding along and watching Dan in silence while looking worried.

 

He drives them to Phil’s home after they’re done, already worried about how they will pass the time. He doesn’t have the emotional energy to make conversation and be fun, so he’s already planning out his excuse to leave and go find a different cheap motel to lay in. He helps Phil drag all the stuff in, trying hard not to step on Thor again, and then stands at the front without taking his shoes on.

 

“I’d better get going,” he mumbles. Phil fully pouts at him.

 

“No, you don’t have to.”

 

“Really, I just want to go relax.”

 

“I’m not making you do anything strenuous anymore. Sit and hang with me for a bit. We’ll play a board game.” Dan shuffles on his feet for a moment, thinking, but Phil sounds so decisive that eventually he just kicks of his zippered shoes and pads into the living room.

 

“Want some wine?” Phil asks.

 

“I won’t be able to drive.”

 

“Exactly, I’m going to trap you here some way or another,” Phil says, smirking up at him. He raised his eyebrows and Dan shakes his head so Phil just sits down on the couch in the lounge.

 

That should be sending flutters of butterflies up into his gut, Dan thinks, he’s always been weak for little words of affirmation. It will probably all hit him like a truck later, just how much Phil is trying to be a good friend, but it’s frustrating how little he feels right now. Phil tells him to pick a board game so he grabs the first recognizable one he sees and sets it down on the table for Phil to set up.

 

Phil sets up the board for Trouble and Dan sits next to him on the couch, watching his hands.

 

He still feels out of place and he’s beginning to feel a bit of anger that Phil won’t let him easily leave without feeling guilty.

 

“You don’t have to pity me, you know,” Dan says, without really thinking about it.

 

“It’s not pity, but I also don’t want you just being alone. I don’t think it helps during a breakup.”

 

“Well I still don’t want you forcing yourself to hang out with me for my sake.” Dan holds eye contact when Phil whips his head up to look at him, not setting up the board anymore.

 

“I actually like having you here, you know.”

 

“I mean, we never hung out before.”

 

“Well I always assumed it was for Jeremy’s sake, I always wanted to hang out with you,” Phil says. He doesn’t sound particularly annoyed, but a little sad maybe.

 

Dan stays quiet for a minute. Of course it’s true. Phil asked him to hang out countless times at the start, and later on, Jeremy would have never been calm about it. He’s still doubtful that Phil wanted to hang out with him after the Christmas party, though.

 

“I’m not totally convinced you’ve liked me much the past year or what ever, not after the Christmas party,” Dan says, after a moment of deliberation. He finds he doesn’t care much about what he’s saying right now, having a huge lack of emotions currently.

 

“I mean sure, I was mad and I think you fucked up a lot. I guess I still don’t know you well enough to say for sure you’re not, like, a horrible person, but I don’t _think_ you are.”

 

Dan stays silent, not particularly convinced himself that he’s not a horrible person.

 

“So, yeah, I still want to be your friend. I’ve always thought we would get along. And I think you’ve been really nice to me the past couple weeks, always backing me up and stuff.” Phil is back to setting up the game and passes Dan the mice. Dan watches Phil the whole time, eyeing up a red blush on Phil’s cheek.

 

Dan rolls, moves his piece, then looks up at Phil again.

 

“I’ve always wanted to be your friend, too. I know I was always the one being an idiot and preventing it, so I’m sorry,” Dan says.

 

“You’ve been in a tricky situation, and it’s done now, anyways. Just stop apologizing for everything, we can just try to be real friends, if you want.”

 

“Yeah, I do want that.”

 

Phil smiles warmly at him for a moment before looking down at their board.

 

They play for a few minutes. Dan almost wishes he chose a more riveting game but this is calming at least.

 

They play a couple games but it’s pretty boring so Dan motions to the Nintendo switch Dan sees by the television instead. Mario Kart can keep him a lot more distracted, gliding across every corner with maximum focus and making it look easy even with Phil complaining about how good he is. Everything from the music and the graphics are familiar and nice.

 

He still gets distracted every once in a while, his mind drifting off and making him run into a wall or fall of an edge. His feelings are hard to pinpoint.

 

Dan can barely remember his first break up. She was his best friend from high school and they began fighting more often than not and by the time they were going off to different schools he knew it wasn’t going to work. He has vague memories of crying and feeling like his life ahead of him was torn apart. One day maybe he will be so lacking in heartbreak that he barely remembers this, too.

 

For now, he still feels like he’s on the edge of a mental breakdown. He’s laughing and chatting but he feels too numb to be normal. Surely, the dam will soon break and he will feel all the heartbreak in his chest. His psyche must be protecting him thus far, letting him hide in all the bad feelings and play games like it’s nothing.

 

Phil convinces him to stay. It was probably inevitable, Phil seems stubborn and ready to put up a fight, so Dan drags in his oversized suitcase and sets it by the couch. It helps that Phil seems to genuinely want to spend time with him now, plans of watching a movie later already spilling out of Phil. They make beef stir fry and then go on a dog walk to a little park a couple blocks over where Phil throws a little orange ball for Thor and they walk around a large green space. He carries Bear half of the way when he starts panting and tripping more. Dan feels out of place, sauntering around in slightly obscure, black clothes while Phil looks like he could be a model for a fun family barbeque ad, or something.

 

He finally has a chance to look through Phil’s DVD collection. He scans through them for a good few minutes, pointing out nearly all of his favourite movies. He stops reading and then realizes he’s supposed to be making a choice. He grabs Speed on a whim and it makes Phil surprisingly excited.

 

He agrees to wine now and Phil brings him out a normal glass rather than a wine glass (‘I would break them all!’) and pours a hefty glass of cheap moscato. He sips quickly, trying not to think about how vulnerable things feel after Phil shuts off the lights and the room is seen only by the shine of the television. Phil sits down in the middle cushion, rather close to Dan.

 

He stares at Phil, his skin shining in the light of the screen, eyes focused and mouth falling slack. He’s sitting with his feet up and cross-legged looking cozy.

 

A slight wave of dizziness washes through him and he recognizes a placebo of the wine clouding his brain. He only picks it up and drinks more. It will be lovely to feel something.

 

Phil is quoting the movie and making jokes and Dan lets himself smile, finishing his glass and pouring more wine promptly. A heavy feeling is washing over him and making him calm down and feel like he’s not going to teeter off the edge tonight. He’s happy, even, he wants to go back to fantasizing about Phil, he thinks the only thing that could distract him now is some sort of passion like that.

 

Except Phil is here, which makes it all the easier to just glance over, stare at his lips and his adam's apple bobbing as he speaks. He can see now how Phil’s skin rolls under the graphic tee and how his thighs fill out his jeans. Phil soon slips off his jean jacket and Dan admires how broad Phil really is. Phil glances at him a couple times and Dan tries to look away, but he always looks back after a few moments and swears he sees a red tint on Phil’s cheeks again.

 

Phil is fidgeting with his fingers and biting his lip. He must feel Dan watching him every little while, now.

 

He thinks about the Christmas party, how Phil was always inching closer to him and staring in his eyes, touching his arm and making obvious, flirty jokes with every other sentence. He can still remember how Phil had moved so close he could feel his breath, and how his stomach had erupted with flutters at just the prospect of Phil kissing him and being against him.

 

It feels like a damn soap opera or some stupid prank that he’s here right now watching stupid movies with Phil, dogs lounging around the room with a bunny that appears every once in a while to sniff around nervously.

 

He fills up his wine again, ignoring the bitter sweetness as it pours down his throat. He slouches down more, putting his feet up on the coffee table and grabbing a throw pillow to hug across his lap.

 

He thinks about the Freud book he read. How humans can hide away all their animalistic urges for the norms of society. If there were no consequences, he would scream at Jeremy all the insults he can think of, make him understand how badly he treats people. He would pack up half of their furniture that he helped to meticulously build and quit his soulsucking receptionist job. He would reach over and kiss Phil, screw waiting to heal from the breakup. He would sleep with Phil with no consideration for forming an actual relationship just to feel good for a bit.

 

He would probably be left with regrets for days.

 

Dan pours the last bit of wine into his glass by the time the movie is ending. He isn’t sure if Phil had more than a glass the whole time, but he’s feeling delightfully cloudy and content that he doesn’t care much. Phil’s jokes are funnier and he lets himself laugh loudly. Bear comes over, silently begging to be up on the couch, and Dan lifts him up and hugs him warmly, grateful for the contact. He rambles on a bit about Keanu Reeves, not particularly caring what he says.

 

The movie ends and Phil pops up, leaving Dan nursing his last bit of wine. He lets the dogs out and passes treats to all the animals. He carries Holly 2 over to Dan to hold carefully, talking about his old bunny that just walked around like a dog. Phil finds the cat hiding behind a curtain and for the first time, Dan sees her a lot more calm and friendly, purring and nuzzling on Phil’s hand after being given Temptations treats.

 

“I should probably sleep, soon, if you’re good. We can set up the bed here if you want? You can keep watching stuff if you want, though,” Phil says, standing in the middle of the lounge now. Dan feels a burst of disappointment. He’s got a good buzz going and he wants to talk or do _something._

 

“Oh. Okay,” he says, letting the disappointment drip into his voice. Phil looks a bit worried but Dan hops up immediately and beckons to the couch before Phil can say anything.

 

They move the coffee table out of the way and drop the wine bottle (at least Dan finished it) and then throw off all the cushions and pull out a springy bed. Phil runs away and comes back with thick wool sheets and one blue and green patterned pillow. Phil helps Dan make the bed and then sits down, watching Dan.

 

“Do you need anything? Maybe a glass of water? Do you need a toothbrush? I have chips or popcorn if you want a snack…” Phil glances around the room, like he’s searching for things to do.

 

“No, I have everything,” Dan says. _Just stay with me,_ he thinks.

 

He stares at Phil and bites his lip while Phil seems to be still thinking. Phil makes eye contact and Dan doesn’t drop his gaze, he hopes Phil can see what he’s silently asking for.

 

If Phil came onto him he wouldn’t have to feel guilty, he would take the indulgence in a heartbeat. He shuffles to sit close to Phil on the edge of the bed, leaning forward to rest his head on a hand as he looks up at Phil.

 

“You can wake me if you need anything,” Phil says.

 

“Alright.”

 

“You feeling okay?”

 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He’s aware he’s being a little snappy, and deep down in the rational part of his brain, he hopes Phil doesn’t actually feel guilty for going to bed. He hopes Phil knows how grateful he is just for this day.

 

Phil lurches forward and arms are around him before he can realize. He hugs back instantly, grateful for the warmth and the soft fabric of Phil’s shirt against his hands. He rubs his hands up and down, feeling Phil pull away quickly.

 

“You’re handling everything really well, don’t feel like you have to keep it all in with me. I’m sorry I can’t help more,” Phil says.

 

Dan smiles at him. “No, you are a lot of help.”

 

He reaches a hand out and places it gently on Phil’s knee, feeling Phil stand up a second later, rather abruptly. Dan feels his face burn and hopes it doesn’t look any different from the wine flush he already has.

 

“You get Bear to cuddle with, tonight, for your condolences” Phil says, picking the dog up and putting it on the couch-bed. He seems happy enough and walks closer to where Dan is sitting. Dan has a number of flirty jokes about cuddling on the tip of his tongue but he closes his lips together until he finally says goodnight and watches Phil walk away.

 

He pulls out his laptop, scrolling through the Reddit homepage and listening for Phil to stop walking around. Only then does he go brush his teeth, grab a glass of water from the tiny kitchen and put on an old t-shirt and sweats. He glances at the closed door that must be the bedroom for a few moments then walks away. Bear waits patiently, sitting on his pillow and Dan lays close to him, staring up at the ceiling. His eyes slowly adjust to the darkness until he can make out the stucco splattered around in the partial moonlight streaming through the curtains.

 

“Well, things aren’t _so_ bad, considering. This is nicer than the shitty-ass hotel but I feel a bit more awkward than I did there,” Dan says to Bear. He pets under his chin and Bear closes his eyes, leaning into Dan.

 

“I still have a crush on Phil, obviously, he’s even more endearing after work. But I feel like if we did anything, I’d still feel guilty. And if we’re going to be anything in the future, granted Jeremy didn’t ruin any healthy relationship we could have, then I’d better not sleep with him. But, I mean, they say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, right? Well, I think I’m just a little drunk. I was being calm.” Dan is whispering, worried about how his voice might carry in this house. Bear doesn’t seem to react.

 

“He still seems awkward, though. Like he can read my mind, or something. Or maybe he feels the same way and doesn’t want to cross a line himself. I still don’t want to scare him away.”

 

He feels drowsy in a way that still feels like he isn’t going to sleep for a long time, but he’s not going to be able to do anything useful. His head spins and he presses himself back into the sheets more. As homely as this room is, it’s still strikingly unfamiliar and too wide open to feel safe.

 

“I wish I could go back in time. I wish I hadn’t started dating a douchebag and I wish I had chosen a different career. Maybe i was over my head with the lawyer shit, but I want to feel like I’m doing _something_ fucking useful. I’m 27 and it all feels like it’s getting too late. I want to be passionate about what I do, I want to fall in love again and I want to be _happy._ I don’t even know how to go about it. I feel incompetent and bound by fear on the best of days. I think Phil deserves better, and I think I just need to come to terms with the fact that I fucked up my life in ways that I can’t truly fix.”

 

Dan feels tears prickle his eyes and he feels his throat close up with the effort to hold it all in. He blinks it away, ignoring the dog coming closer to cuddle him, because that will surely make him burst into tears. He squeezes his eyes shut, tries to daydream about someone completely different from him, someone with the perfect life. He ends up tossing and turning, with a strange half boner that he doesn’t want to do anything about, while he tries to force himself to sleep for a number of minutes or maybe even hours, he can't tell.


	10. Chapter 10

When he’s finally awake he instantly knows it’s too early to be alive, either that or he just needs about ten more hours of sleep.

 

Something is smacking him lightly and he can hear spatterings of footsteps all around, some heavy and clumsy, others light and frantic with the annoying tinkling of claws against the hardwood.

 

He shoves his face down into the warm pillow, the light around the edges of his vision already giving him a headache. He feels too hot to the point that sweat is sticking his shirt to his back but he feels too protected by the covers to throw them off. He’s only mildly aware of where he is but when he feels the bed dip down behind him he lurches awake and sits up in a second.

 

“Oh!” Phil exclaims, eyes wide. “Sorry!”

 

“What are you doing?” he asks, covering his eyes with his palms a second later, laying back on the bed. He has no idea what he looks like right now, he's probably a mess.

 

“I have to feed Bear, he can’t jump down by himself.”

 

“What time is it?”

 

“Eight.”

 

“Eight! Jesus Christ.” Dan finally opens his eyes, knowing they must look puffy. Phil is in a completely horrific set of pyjamas, a bright red t-shirt and too small pyjama pants with bright yellow emoji’s patterned around. His hair is messy in a way that looks like it could have been styled like that and his eyes are bright behind his glasses. Phil has dark eye bags, too, but he still doesn’t look bad. Bear licks his face excitedly.

 

“Feeding time is a bit horrific, I know. Want coffee?”

 

“First of all, your pyjamas are horrific and I want them out of my face. Second of all, no I don’t want coffee you morning madman.”

 

Phil is laughing too loudly for the morning. “Hey! How dare you criticize my lifestyle in my own damn house.”

 

“I am criticizing you and I’m telling you to go back to bed, you freak.”

 

“Do you want to clean up all the piss and shit up off the floor later?” Phil asks, raising his eyebrows in a sassy way.

 

“ _Fine_ , do your thing, but this hotel gets zero stars from me.”

 

“That’s not fair! You’d better give me a hefty tip later for all the services I offer.” Phil winks as he stands up and Dan groans inwardly, rolling over and closing his eyes again, thinking he must still be dreaming.

 

The noises aren’t so annoying anymore, he can make out kibble being poured and an instant coffee machine whirring and the usual patterings against the floor. Then, his bed dips down again and he looks over to see Phil sitting right next to him with a giant cup of coffee up to his face.

 

“Really not going to let me sleep?” Dan asks.

 

“Being friends means I get to annoy you,” Phil says. Dan tries to think of a mean retort but a smile stretches on his mouth and ruins it, so he just huffs out air and curls up on his side, facing Phil now.

 

Phil is close and he has the urge to pull him down next to him, just to be close to him and get another hug. He didn’t wake up in as much of a bad mood but he can still feel that slight dread in his chest and the exhaustion of his emotions. He wants to be comforted and he feels a bit appalled that he doesn’t have Jeremy’s arms open to him whenever he wants anymore. even if he wouldn’t be his first choice right now anyway.

 

He runs his finger over one of the gaudy emojis instead, right on the side of Phil’s thigh, and grimaces in a joking way. Phil doesn’t seem to mind. He sips at his coffee and Dan relaxes into the comfort of his groggy mind.

 

“Want to come on the dog walk?” Phil asks.

 

“No chance in hell I’m getting up.”

 

“Alright, you lazy ass.”

 

He listens to the tinkling of leashes and the patter of dog feet some more until Phil is finally out the door.

 

He feels a lot less likely to sleep now that he actually has the chance to. His brain is already running at almost full capacity so he’s probably awake for the day now after those short hours of rest. He gets up and stumbles to the kitchen, finding some coffee left over. Luckily, one of the cupboards is left wide open so Dan doesn’t have to search for the coffee mugs. He grabs a random one and pours himself some coffee. He has a slight headache and his mouth is dry as hell and doesn’t taste good.

 

He walks around the tiny kitchen and past the little table in the corner with a cactus on it. He goes back into the living room and tries to find the turtle, who ends up being in his tank under a plastic looking log. There's a little dish of crickets next to the tank and Dan grimaces.

 

He sits back on the bed within the messy covers and sips at his coffee while he goes through his phone. A couple of his and Jeremy's friends have texted him asking if he’s okay, saying they hope they can still be friends, things like that. He sends out something generic back. It’s hard to see them being friends without Jeremy as the middle ground, but he appreciates it anyway.

 

He hesitantly searches up Jeremy’s Facebook and Instagram but there isn’t anything new. He must just be talking to his friends and laying back. He’s glad they never had a relationship status on Facebook that they now need to change. He doesn’t want the knowledge of his family going behind his back to talk about his love life, there’s enough attention around being everyone's gay cousin.

 

He scrolls mindlessly through his newsfeed, feeling somewhat shocked and confused by where all his old friends and family are now, all the strange stories and appalling political views scattered between old memes. He remembers why he always avoids Facebook, now.

 

Phil comes home after about thirty minutes to Dan wide awake with an empty coffee mug. Dan is relieved, he thinks more time alone and he might go crazy.

 

Phil is slightly out of breath and it looks like he carried Bear halfway home again. If he thinks hard about it he can tell that Bear has grown since they first got him, filling out the meat on his bones and getting a bit longer. He’ll be too big and awkward to carry soon.

 

“I’m beat,” Phil says. He toes off his trainers, holding himself up on the wall for balance. He walks over after and collapses onto the bed next to Dan, and Thor jumps up after him. Bear barks so he sits up and lifts up the little Dane to his chest, and collapses back on the bed.

 

Dan lays down next to him, letting his elbow touch Phil’s arm but nothing more. He wonders if Phil feels the everlasting tension between them.

 

”Good walk?” he asks

 

”Yeah. They tried to run after a squirrel but everything is okay.”

 

Just as Dan is starting to settle, Phil jumps up, leaves the room, and comes back with a water pitcher. He circles the room, watering plants and rearranging petals and leaves.

 

Dan feels a bit in awe suddenly. Phil can keep all these things alive and thriving and create a beautiful little space to wake up to. Dan would sleep in or get lazy and kill everything.

 

“You’re the next mouth to feed now, want some breakfast?” Phil asks.

 

Dan nods and follows Phil to the kitchen. He has just about every breakfast food possible available and a few minutes pass debating and peaking at the cereal, fruit, pastries, and checking for things to put on pancakes. They make a couple pancakes and Phil also fills half a bowl with cereal and Dan heats up the pastries. Phil fills a bowl with whatever fruit he has and balances a second cup of coffee in his arm.

 

Dan follows wordlessly to the living room, not questioning why Phil passed by the actual breakfast table. Phil doesn’t make the couch either, he just crawls over Dan’s messed up, sweaty sheets and looks up at Dan expectantly.

 

Dan doesn’t question it for long, he crawls in, nervously watching all the bowls that Phil is trying to balance on the springy mattress. They talk about short shows to watch and even though they’ve both watched it already, they somehow decide on a rewatch of Attack on Titan. Dogs stare up at them with big, begging eyes, almost too hard to ignore.

 

Dan still feels groggy, the lack of sleep hangs over his head with a slight headache and he leans back against the back couch cushions to put some pressure on it. He picks at his food slowly, savouring every slightly cold, slightly soggy bite.

 

The only indication of time passing he has is the seven episodes they get through, and they’re still snacking on fruit with dirty bowls scattered around. He’s too lazy and full to clean up the buffet surrounding them and Phil makes no move either, except to let the dogs eat small bites of plain pancake left over.

 

It doesn’t feel like hours are passing, and he doesn’t particularly want to think about the constant relative acceleration of time and how he’s getting older every single second. At least right now, he might be objectively wasting all of his time, but it doesn’t seem like a waste. To watch one of his favourite shows again, of which he first watched alone on his small computer, and ramble about the theories and characters like he only ever could dispersedly on forums, feels exactly right. Something that is truly lifting his spirits, making the things the world creates feel that much more beautiful and complicated and fascinating.

 

He’s laying down fully, too, as comfy as can be with metal springs from the mattress poking his ass. He deliberately leaned against only one side of Phil’s pillow, and sure enough, Phil scooched down and leaned his head against the other side upon seeing the space Dan left. Now he’s fully laying in bed with Phil and he feels like a smooth manipulator, even with the few inches of space still between them. It just feels comfortable, their laughter comes out guttural and silly when they’re laying down and he can see their chests rising and shaking. He can hear every little comment Phil mutters without thinking and it feels like they’re sharing secrets. The sheets glow around them with the ever-rising sun shining in and it feels lovely. It feels like he’s escaped to a safe room where he has no worries.

 

Phil eventually groans and Dan looks over amusedly, past the point of questioning every reaction or comment Phil makes. Usually, Phil’s mind is going off on an unrelated tangent of which he talks about like it’s obvious. He’s just looking at his phone now and pouts.

 

“Yes?” Dan asks.

 

“I take the dogs out for a run at noon on the weekends but I don’t want to get up,” he says.

 

“The kids deserve the fun time.”

 

“But real people are out at this time of day which means I have to get dressed.”

 

“Horrific. Life is hard.”

 

“Yeah, I know.” Phil pushes himself up and turns off the TV. Dan is instantly disappointed, too caught up in his comfort and obsessed with this binge to want to get up. He stays still, staring at the dark screen still as Phil hurries off the bed and back down the hall.

 

He doesn’t want to be left alone again. He wants the constant distraction and the comfort of a friend, of which Phil is becoming very warm and nice. Nerves still arise when a personal question comes to the tip of Dan’s tongue or when Phil’s hand brushes against him but it’s in a way that’s fun and exciting, like all of this is leading up to something.

 

Phil comes back with slightly tamer hair, pushed back in a slightly crooked quiff. He’s wearing a bright red Nasa t-shirt and slips on a blue bomber jacket. Dan watches as the two dogs stand and begin to look immensely excited.

 

“You guys wanna go on a walk? Huh? Bear! Thor! Yeah, a walk?” Phil’s voice is high pitched and amusing and Dan smiles at him, curling up on the other side of the pillow. Thor jumps up and down on his front paws, Bear looks like he attempts to do the same clumsily.

 

“You look pretty cozy, are you gonna skip out on this walk, too?” Phil asks, latching the leashes.

 

“Yep, I can’t move. Maybe later.”

 

“Alright. I’ll be back in a while.” Phil is out the door within a few minutes and once Dan sees him down the little walkway and out of view, he stands up.

 

He grabs some clothes from his suitcase, ruffling through and messing up all of his folds in search of something cute. He finds his little bag of toiletries and walks back down the hall.

 

He realizes he hasn’t brought a towel so he searches through a little closet at the end of the hall and grabs one at whim. It’s hard to get Phil’s shower to work, there’s one big tap with no labels on it and he ends up burning his skin then freezing to death but as soon as he works it he begins washing himself quickly, scrubbing every inch of his body and cleaning all the dry skin off of his face. He looks around at the body wash and shampoo bottles around him, all with feminine names and vibrant pictures of fruits and flowers on them. He’s suddenly worried that a girl is staying here, but by the lack of other products, he decides it must be Phil’s. This is probably why he always smells good.

 

Dan gets out soon and shaves his face quickly, just a couple of patches of stubble around his sideburns and above the corners of his mouth, the beginnings of a strange beard he will never grow. He finds a hair dryer in the cupboard and blasts the hottest air setting onto his scalp then steals a bit of moisturizer he sees on the counter for his face. He looks in the mirror, trying to mould his curls into something acceptable.

 

Finally, he pulls on an oversized grey Yeezy knock-off jumper that shows off his collar with ripped jeans. He looks in the mirror, twirling around as much he can see and suddenly remembers that Jeremy bought him this jumper. He clutches at the bottom to pull it off but pauses. He can’t let stuff like that control him. He wants to look nice for Phil, just for today, while they’re being so cozy and comfortable.

 

He leaves the towel on a rack inside and steps out the room. He pauses, all of his belonging wrapped up in his arms and looks down the hall. He listens for Phil for a moment but there is no sound of dogs or him. An idea pops into his head and he walks the opposite way from the living room. He steps carefully, walking towards the door at the end that is open just a crack.

 

He pushes it slowly, peeking in. It’s definitely Phil’s bedroom, a big bed takes up most of the space and stands out with patterned squares of blue and green across it. If Phil had an aura, it would undoubtedly be these colours, he thinks, bright and pretty.

 

There’s a dresser and a bookshelf otherwise, a mass of other trinkets that Dan is suddenly very curious about. There is various artwork on the walls, posters he thinks must have some significance based on their obscurity. On his bookshelf is an array of actual books and even more board games, with a picture frame centred at the top but faced to the inside of the room so Dan can’t see.

 

He creeps into the room, trying to be as gentle as possible, but the floors must be particularly old because a loud creak fills his ears. On cue, somethings darts in the corner of his eyes and he jumps, letting out a little yelp, while the cat runs out from under the bed and past his legs. He slouches and breathes, letting his heartbeat calm down. He laughs a little at himself, breathy and quiet because he still feels like he’s somewhere he shouldn’t be, and he walks in further.

 

Without touching anything, he leans in to look at the framed photo. It’s undoubtedly Phil’s family, he’s surprised by the resemblance even at first glance. Horrendously tall men with a shorter woman. The other young man, who must be Phil’s brother, has the most resemblance. Despite his light, short hair, he has the same low set eyebrows and eyes that squint with a wide smile. He stands taller and more confident but is still a few inches shorter than Phil. His parents look old and kind, with smiles that make it look like there’s no way they could not be warm.

 

A young Phil in the picture makes it obvious this picture is years old. He has long shaggy hair that’s a light brown. He wears baggy clothes and slouches and has a closed lip smile on his face. Despite his awkwardness, he has his arms tightly around his family. They look like a close bunch. Even if Dan hadn’t been told before, he thinks he could have guessed that they were close.

 

He’s not sure if he’s jealous or a bit astounded by how kind and normal (dreadfully weird, but normal) Phil is. It’s probably a mix of both, wanting to feel like his family holds unconditional love while feeling a selfless desire to just know Phil.

 

The rattling sound of a deadbolt opening echoes down the hall and he’s out the room in a second, closing the door to a small crack and speed walking down the hall. After a few seconds, he slows down, thinking he’s safe to nonchalantly turn the corner. He doesn’t want Phil to hear him suspiciously running through his house.

 

He turns with a smile on his face already and the dogs look so happy to see him. He doesn’t think he could get used to attention like that. He looks up at Phil, a bit confused to see such a surprised face on Phil. He seems to be staring at Dan’s jumper. Dan moves quickly into the living room and dumps his pyjamas and bathroom bag in his suitcase. He then straightens up, putting conscious effort into standing tall and looking comfortable. The air hits his collar and all the bare skin feels a lot more drastic than before.

 

“Hey. I had a shower, I hope you don’t mind,” Dan says, subconsciously pulling his sleeves down over his hands to clutch at.

 

“Oh! No problem, that’s fine!” Phil says, sounding a bit overexcited, still watching Dan. He lifts up to wrap the leashes around a coat hook but misses and drops it, having to bend down and pick them up again. Dan smiles.

 

“Now I feel like a real adult, up at noon and clad in my fake Yeezy’s,” Dan says.

 

Phil giggles a little and laughs even more as he straightens up a bit, putting his hand over his mouth as if to stop it.

 

“What?” Dan asks, eyebrows furrowing in conclusion.

 

“Nothing. I question Kanye West’s style choices though.”

 

Dan feels a bit confused but lets his mouth drop open in mock shock.

 

“You dare criticize such an artist?” Dan says, accusatory.

 

Phil laughs a bit more, face turning red.

 

“What?”

 

“It just looks a _tiny_ bit like a potato sack,” Phil says, looking up in the corner as if to feign innocence. Dan snorts out a laugh, looking down at his jumper, a bit incredulous. He couldn’t even really argue, and he hears Phil laughing more now, walking closer to sit on the pull out bed.

 

“Well _I_ like it and I think you have no taste.” Dan tries his best to put all the amusement in his voice, it is genuinely funny, he thinks. “Shrek just happens to be my style icon,” he adds on.

 

He feels his mouth frowning a bit despite himself. He knows he wears his emotions on his sleeve. He feels a bit disappointed that Phil hadn’t been staring at him out of attractiveness but out of thinking he looks funny. Someone else's opinion shouldn’t matter that much, he thinks, but he truly thought he looked good in the mirror. Phil’s eyes are on him and the laughter is dying down so Dan thinks Phil must see into his over-emotive state.

 

“I mean, you work it somehow,” Phil says. Dan holds back a roll of his eyes, collapsing on his side of the bed but facing away from Phil for a moment to hide his face. He doesn’t know why every little thing has to feel so strong right now.

 

“I’m serious! I mean, it does kind of look like Shrek’s outfit, but I think you look really good. Someone like me would probably look like trash, but you definitely don’t,” Phil says. Dan looks back, surprised by the genuineness of his voice. Phil is staring, down at the jumper like he’s admiring it.

 

“Well, thanks. But really, I’m pretty sure you look good in anything.” Phil’s lip twitches slightly but he stays quiet for a few long moments. Dan fidgets with his sleeves where Phil can’t see.

 

“Not sure about that. Say I put on a...cheese costume or something. Not that sexy,” Phil says teasingly, moving to sit at the head of the bed. Dan shifts to sit next to him.

 

“I’m sure there are sexy cheese costumes out there you could rock, don’t doubt it.”

 

Phil laughs, tilting back his head. “That’s enough,” Phil says, and Dan thinks he might be a bit serious, judging by the slight awkwardness. Phil’s shoulders are tense and straight and he’s avoiding eye contact now, looking forward at nothing in particular. He also has a blush on his cheeks, it’s undeniable now. Dan watches him, overly aware of the silence dragging on again.

 

“Um. Want to watch more? Maybe play something?” Dan asks finally. He has the thought to push his luck but the sound of his heart in his ears makes him get a bit nervous at that.

 

“Yeah! I’m down. But hey, if you need any alone time, let me know, alright? I don’t want to exhaust you,” Phil says. “I don’t know if you’re, like, an introvert or anything...I think I’m an ambivert but I think sometimes I get excited and then play video games for hours at a time.”

 

Dan feels a bit surprised that he’s not more exhausted. After little sleep and little introspection time, he doesn’t feel such a strong need to hide away. He almost wants to search for that stimulation and hold onto the distractions.

 

“No, I definitely do that, too. I’m having fun.”

 

“I know you like reading and stuff, too, don’t let me stop you!”

 

“Oh, right. I haven’t read for a few days now.”

 

“No? You like non-fiction, don’t you? Maybe it’s a bit tiring to read when you’re stressed?”

 

“I guess. I like it so I can learn things, more so than just enjoying a story. I like films for that. Otherwise, I spend a lot of time trying to teach myself philosophy, psychology, sociology...some politics. I’ve been trying to read some actual books on it all. It’s tough, I feel like when I dive deeper, I only get more questions.”

 

“You’re interested in people mostly, then?” Phil turns to face Dan more.

 

“I guess. I kind of hate people but the world as a whole, I suppose. Like, what the meaning of life is, in particular, is what I want to figure out. Everyone seems trapped a lot of the time, we have our lives mapped out for us, go to school, get a good job, buy a house, retire and die, but how do we really find happiness? A lot of the assumptions people have are fake and things like capitalism and oppression control everything and it hides any true freedom. I don’t know if things are meant to happen this way, or how I or anyone can find fulfillment or happiness within it. There has to be a meaning.”

 

“You really think there is a meaning to find?”

 

“I think there are meanings,” Dan says, enunciating the _s_. “Everyone has a different meaning in life, I think, but it’s hard to find. Of course, I’m also interested in larger than life things, like what put us here and what the meaning of humans is as a whole.”

 

“Do you think it’s discoverable?”

 

“No. But I think I can find meaning for myself. By being my true self.”

 

Phil nods thoughtfully. “Are you religious, or do you believe in God?” Phil asks. He’s watching Dan like this is the most interesting thing he could be hearing.

 

“No. Agnostic, I guess, but my realistic side takes over. I don’t really believe in a higher power, souls, fate, stuff like that. Doesn’t mean that the world can’t be beautiful just by an infinite number of coincidences that are possible.” Dan is sitting up now, it feels more appropriate for this conversation.

 

“You believe in aliens?” Phil asks, and Dan snorts.

 

“Honestly, yeah. We can’t be the only thing in an infinite universe. Impossible.”

 

“I agree. My martian boyfriend is out there somewhere,” Phil jokes. Dan can’t help but smile widely at him.

 

“I’m definitely waiting for my probing.”

 

“Dan! Jeez,” Phil looks truly surprised and it makes Dan laugh loudly.

 

“C’mon, I know what you were thinking, you sicko.”

 

“Really, though. You’re a smart guy. Stuff like that is hard to theorize, you seem like you have a lot to say,” Phil says.

 

Dan tries to keep a humble expression on his face but a smile creeps out. “Not really, I’ve gotten through almost nothing of my reading list.”

 

“So? There’s time. And it sounds like you have a knack for it, though I want to hear more.”

 

“What is this, a TED talk for you? Go put in a video game, I don’t want to use my head on the weekend,” Dan says quickly, feeling a bit genuinely abashed. Phil pauses and watches him for a moment but complies and jumps up.

 

They play Donkey Kong this time. Dan is a bit worried he’s too intense and yelling too much but Phil is laughing like Dan is the funniest person in the world, so it’s hard to stop his childlike playfulness.

 

Work with Jeremy the next day is almost completely off of his mind.


	11. Chapter 11

He’s walking into work not a minute before he has to. Jeremy gets here fifteen minutes early every morning so perhaps this way, Dan can avoid an awkward collision. Maybe Jeremy won’t come out of his office at all.

 

Dan is terrified. His palms are sweating and his heartbeat is in his head. Every shadow and little noise in the animal shelter makes him jump and he thinks he’s on the verge of a heart attack at this point. He doesn’t want to see Jeremy, he is having too many feelings that he hasn’t sorted out yet and he doesn’t know how he will react face to face. What if he loses control and breaks down in tears, asks for Jeremy back, or what if all of his anger comes out and he throws his clunky desktop monitor across the room, or what if he panics and can’t talk to him at all? The obvious absurdity of his fears isn’t lost on him but it’s hard to shake them anyway.

 

Jeremy usually walks around in the morning to check up on everything and the thought will not leave his head. He keeps staring at the office door down the hall just waiting for the knob to turn, but the first half hour passes and it doesn’t.

 

Maybe Jeremy is just as nervous to face Dan. The thought is comforting. This could be something they go through together, both heartbroken and confused, letting their vulnerabilities out instead of their anger. It sounds a lot easier than a bitter, silent end.

 

He can finally breathe easier. It doesn’t seem like Jeremy is about to come any second, maybe not until lunchtime. He takes the stack of papers out of his organizational tower and begins slowly reading through, trying to let this boring distraction wash over his head. It’s hard to think about anything else, really.

 

The night before, he managed to keep pushing his emotions out of his mind despite the inevitable work week coming closer and closer. He and Phil played video games for a horrendous amount of time, nearly completing Donkey Kong Country Tropical Freeze. They ordered pizza because Phil was running out of food, then Dan obliged to going on the dinner dog walk and they finished off the night watching more familiar movies.

 

Phil mumbled about how it was a waste of time to set up the bed and Dan wasn’t going to argue, not with Phil curled up in his blankets just a foot away. They could joke and talk together easily, he was beginning to realize, and any awkwardness was beginning to fade. Especially curled up in a pull-out bed with snacks and nice Studio Ghibli movies on while the sky grew dark and dimmed the lounge, it was hard to feel nervous.

 

Then, Phil had gone to bed. Mumbles about how he had to wake up early to walk and how Dan should sleep before work. All the effort of pushing it out of his mind was out the window now and he felt too guilty to ask Phil to stay, and so he was left in the dark with Bear curled up on his side.

 

The tiredness is settled deep into the aches in his joints and the heaviness in his head. He can’t remember when sleep came to him and he wonders if it came at all between the dread and anxiety and memories of Jeremy coming back to him.

 

He isn’t sure if he misses Jeremy or if he just wants things to go back to normal so _he_ can go back to normal.

 

His phone buzzes and he jumps so erratically in his chair that the wheels skid back a few inches. He quickly snatches his phone from his bag and it’s just a text from Phil.

 

_How is work? :)_

He breathes a sigh of relief. It’s nice of Phil, at least someone has an idea of the anxiety Dan is having now.

 

They were up at the same time this morning, Phil put on coffee and grabbed them cereal and they sat at the kitchen table while Phil shared his dream about Ryan Gosling or something. It was probably funny, but Dan had a hard time listening and replying, instead he stared into his cereal bowl and tried to get a few spoonful’s down his throat. Phil tried asking what was wrong but Dan didn’t want to talk. Eventually, Phil, with a worried gaze, left out the door with the dogs. Dan poured the rest of his cereal down the drain and stared at the clock until he had to leave.

 

Buffy the cat came and nuzzled against his leg while he sat there. It was surprising and lovely. Cats usually didn’t like him very much which only made this attention that much more special, that this sassy little cat would give him love and put down her guard.

 

_havent seen the devil yet_

_hate being here but im ok_

 

Dan texts back and puts his phone on silent to avoid another shock. The screen lights up just a minute later.

 

_Say hi to all my old friends, especially Belinda!_

_i will_

_how r u doin? better not be having too much fun w/out me_

_Never! Updating my resume actually. Yuck._

He is just fiddling his thumbs on the screen of his iPhone, thinking about something to say, when the sound of a door opening carries down the hallway. It makes him jump but he keeps his body facing forward and doesn’t turn in the direction of his office. He sets his phone down nonchalantly and bends his head over the paperwork in front of him until it’s unmistakable that the heavy footsteps are nearing him. He’s going to have to look up.

 

Jeremy is walking over, usual button up shirt and khaki pants on. His face looks completely neutral, so Dan tries not to change his expression, either, waiting for some kind of indication of what Jeremy is going to say. He’s sure he looks a bit scared anyway, his face doesn’t usually do what he wants it to.

 

Jeremy gets all the way to his desk without talking and sets a few sheets of paper down.

 

“Can you contact these people for me and see when they can come in for interviews? For the full-time vet position,” Jeremy says. Jeremy doesn’t make eye contact with Dan before turning on his heels to walk back to his office.

 

Dan hears himself speak without really meaning to. All that comes out is “what?”

 

Jeremy stops where he is and turns back, looking a bit surprised. Dan opens his mouth then closes it again before actually getting the nerve to speak.

 

“That’s all you’re going to say?” he says, looking at Jeremy with furrowed eyebrows.

 

“We’re at work, Dan, not couples counselling.”

 

Dan feels his face heat up with frustration. Jeremy raises his eyebrow as if waiting for Dan to say something better, but Dan knows that Jeremy is going to be stubbornly condescending today. He stays quiet with ice on his tongue until Jeremy struts away and closes his door louder than normal.

 

Maybe he should have expected this from Jeremy. Jeremy never pretended to be nice to the people he disliked, something that Dan once saw as honest and fair. Now it seems much too immature and frustrating and he wants to talk to the person he used to know and _love_.

 

His eyes wet but he dabs it on his sleeve and looks back to the paperwork.

 

If he does it slow and carefully he feels productive and busy but also like this is the most soul sucking thing he can be doing right now. He drags it on anyway. He calls the replacements for Phil, aware that his monotone voice must make this place sound boring as hell. These people don’t sound nearly as qualified or passionate as Phil and Dan momentarily worries for the animals. Bear wasn’t the only one that Phil loved, he loved every single pet. Of course, it shouldn’t really matter if these vets are going to give them all names and sneak in treats, that’s not part of the job description. (It’s against it, actually).

 

Jeremy walks out the front door at lunch time, telling Dan to listen to the phone.

 

Dan gets up and walks to the back instead. Grace is just cleaning and she smiles up at him but it looks half-hearted. He probably returns something similar. Grace and Maxime don’t really know what’s going on but Dan wonders if they can tell there are more tensions in this workplace than just between Phil and Jeremy. Soon Dan will be leaving them, too, probably.

 

Grace let's Dan into the cages without any fight. He pets all the dogs and sticks his fingers through the cages for the cats because they are a bit scarier. The dogs sniff his hands wildly and he wonders if he smells like Phil. He kind of hopes he does, but he doesn’t want to make the pets hopeful either. He snaps a few pictures and texts them to Phil, including a selfie of him with Belinda at his hip. He has to retake it a few times until he looks presentable and he knows Grace must be secretly making fun of him. He chats with her about school for a couple minutes and then by the time he’s back at his desk, Phil has replied.

 

_Omg! I miss them! Cute! :)_

He can trick himself into the wishful thinking that Phil is calling Dan cute but there’s about a 5% chance of that, he decides. He texts back, _i bet they miss you,_ and then he sits and stares at his computer monitor. He didn’t bring lunch so he isn’t going to eat, he supposes. He boots up the computer, waiting a full five minutes, listening to the _tick tick tick_ for an absurd amount of time, then opens Solitaire. It feels pathetic that this is comparatively better than anything else he could be doing.

 

***

 

This must be the longest workday of his life. It has been boring and soul-sucking before, but he’s never had so much dread to be in the vicinity of Jeremy and he’s never felt the absence of Phil so strongly. The irrational fear he was feeling earlier is gone, at least, because it doesn’t seem like Jeremy has a single word to say to him. It’s boiling his blood with frustration, he doesn’t want to talk either but surely Jeremy should have something to say after a nearly eight-year-long relationship.

 

He’s made a wish that is biting him in the ass, apparently. Jeremy is in the parking lot leaning against the driver’s side of Dan’s Honda. He can already tell this is the conversation of his nightmares that he’s been waiting for.

 

He walks quickly, unable to handle the suspense for more than a few seconds. He stands in front of Jeremy with his arms crossed, looking up expectantly.

 

“Hey. I was just wondering what your plans are for this job?” Jeremy asks, kicking some dirt off of Dan’s tire with his loafer.

 

Dan clenches his teeth. Jeremy is still in boss-mode, as though he’s distancing himself from any personal connection they ever had. He most definitely wants to know when Dan will be completely out of his life, as if he can’t wait for it to happen. Has Jeremy felt even a sliver of missing Dan, like Dan has felt for the life they had?

 

“What, are you firing me?” Dan asks coldly. It’s satisfying and petty to say it because he knows Jeremy will be offended that Dan thinks so low of him. He’s right, Jeremy looks up at his eyes finally, with a hurt expression.

 

“I thought we were on the same page here. It’s not going to be good to be a great atmosphere working together while we’re split up. It’ll be better for your record to quit rather than be fired.”

 

It’s frustrating how rational and calm Jeremy is. It’s frustrating how he says these obvious things as though Dan isn’t smart enough to come to the same conclusions. It’s frustrating that he’s acting dumb and not talking about their personal lives, just work. Dan takes a deep breath in and sighs it out to attempt to calm himself.

 

“Yeah,” he says finally “I’ll announce my one-week resignation now, then.” He’s proud of how calm his voice is. He eyes up his car door but Jeremy is standing his ground, looking unphased.

 

He hopes Jeremy doesn’t ask for the usual two-weeks. He’s realizing he won’t be able to last that long.

 

“Alright. There’s also the rest of your belongings at the apartment still if you can take them. Where are you staying?”

 

“At Phil’s,” he says, without missing a beat. The regret will come later, but the flash in Jeremy’s eyes doesn’t hurt Dan much now. Jeremy looks genuinely angry and it’s somehow better than his previous stoic coldness.

 

“Well,” Jeremy says, voice gruff. “If moving on has really been that easy for you, then take your shit away as soon as you can. I don’t want it.”

 

The guilt is already settling in, on second thought. He looks down at the ground and wraps his arms around his torso.

 

“It’s not like that. I didn’t have anywhere else to go,” Dan says. He’d rather have said nothing than sound so pathetic.

 

“You want me to feel sorry for you? You think I’m the monster because I get frustrated sometimes but you haven’t been a gold star boyfriend either! Phil is only exhibit A.” Jeremy’s voice is losing some control now.

 

“I know,” Dan says, his voice defeated.

 

“You really want to work and live with me still? Do you really want your whole life wrapped around me? Maybe you’ll go do the same to sweet-old Phil, now. You’re a damn adult, you know, things wouldn’t have gone so wrong if you had some independence in your life! Step back and look at things realistically for once.”

 

Tears are coming now, without the convulsing sobs or sniffling cries, just wet tears pouring out of his tear ducts to accompany the burning in his chest. It might still be anger but he’s too defeated to really hold onto that. There’s too much fear that Jeremy might be right.

 

“I do want the best for you,” Jeremy continues. _Bullshit,_ Dan thinks, but just stares at his feet. “You want my advice? Get a better job, be single for a while, make some friends and take care of yourself more.”

 

“I’m not a fucking child and I will decide what’s best for me, okay?” Dan says, walking forward to step around Jeremy and get to his car door.

 

“Listen,” Jeremy is grabbing Dan’s arm now and Dan has half the mind to yank away, but he doesn’t think he can be so aggressive, especially when Jeremy is sounding suddenly desperate. “I know I can be a dick, and I’m sorry for everything, I am, okay? But I don’t want to see you hit rock bottom, you have all these dreams you don’t even realize and you just need to execute them. I want to see you do better, I swear, and I know you can.”

 

Dan avoids looking at Jeremy’s face but the tremble in his voice makes him wonder if Jeremy is beginning to cry, too. He finally manages to open his car door and get in and Jeremy is walking away so he supposes he will never know. He pulls out quickly, barely looking behind him, and speeds to Phil’s house, wiping his tears and dabbing at his face with his water bottle to stop the swelling of his skin.

 

***

 

He sits in his car checking his face for a few minutes before going in. He smiles in the mirror behind the front visor trying to assess the redness of his eyes. It doesn’t look so bad. If he stays out of the light, Phil probably won’t know he’s been crying. He straightens his back and grins, trying to feel as positive as he looks.

 

His Grandma used to always remind him to “fake it ‘till you make it.” Walk into the first day of school with a big smile on his face as if there’s nowhere he’d rather be. Sit in that job interview with his head high as though he’s overqualified and ready. Go see his friends and laugh loudly until he really is laughing for real and out of the funks he always gets into.

 

He’s doing the same now, knocking on the door and flashing a huge smile at Phil. He knows he acts well in these ‘faking’ moments because every around reciprocates and laughs along just as loud as if his over-exuberant personality is contagious. Phil’s face is lit up in a wide smile back at him and even the dogs are running up to see him now.

 

“Hey! Work wasn’t so bad?” Phil asks, clearly surprised at Dan’s high spirits.

 

“It wasn’t _great_ but I’m glad to be done,” Dan says, smile locked on his face while he steps over dogs to get in and slip his shoes off.

 

“Things with Jeremy are calm, then?”

 

Dan really doesn’t want to talk about this. He wants to do something mindless and stimulating and make himself feel better, that’s what Phil was helping him with.

 

“It’s fine. I’ll be done after this week, though, and we’ll both be unemployed,” Dan says in an amusedly celebratory voice. Phil looks surprised for a moment.

 

“Oh! Well, I guess it would be pretty awkward to stay. Did you and Jeremy decide that together?”

 

“Pretty much. We can suffer through our job searches together soon. Did you end up applying anywhere?” Dan asks, trying to move the subject along.

 

“Yeah, a couple places.”

 

“Where?”

 

“Uh...the shelter in Middleton and the shelter in Pendlebury,” Phil says, turning and walking further into his house at the comment.

 

“I thought you were gonna apply for the animal hospital?”

 

“I changed my mind, it was just Jeremy’s suggestion.”

 

“Well, do you really want to be stuck at shelters your whole life? They’re sad.”

 

“Well someone has to do the job.” Phil sounds a bit sarcastic. Dan follows Phil in further until Phil finally sits cross-legged on the unmade bed. There’s a couple of socks sitting at the end so Dan wonders if Phil has been laying here today.

 

“Yeah. But there also needs to be vets at the hospitals and clinics. Shelters take people with lower qualifications.”

 

Phil shrugs, “I just like it.” He doesn’t look at Dan.

 

“We talked about not settling, though. I’m not going to settle for a shitty boyfriend and you’re not going to settle for a shitty job.”

 

“It’s not a shitty job just because it’s less prestigious. I’d rather work somewhere I’m happy. Anyway, did you talk to Jeremy at all?”

 

“Why won’t the hospital make you happy?”

 

“I mean...it just wouldn’t work out. Crazy hours, tough work....”

 

“I mean, you can probably talk about availability. Maxime also said you did good in school, you probably wouldn’t have a problem.” Dan leans in from his spot on the bed trying to read Phil’s expression. Phil just seems to be avoiding any long explanations.

 

“Grades aren’t really a good indication.”

 

“No, but you’re a hard worker and you’re passionate as fuck and you’re probably smarter than you think. What’s the worst that can happen if you apply?”

 

“I just don’t want to work there.”

 

“Why?” Dan says this more pointedly than before and Phil seems to be thinking harder. He sighs.

 

“I guess a lot of it is the stress. Like, yeah, I did good in school but that doesn’t always translate to the real world. I did really good on theory and the tiny bit of supervised work experience, but it’s not the same as being an actual vet.”

 

“Phil, you just have to get out there, then. You’ll still have training and supervisors and whatever.”

 

“I still don’t particularly want that pressure on me. Like, yeah, a lot of animals dropped off at the shelter are injured but it’s a whole other ordeal at the hospitals, like pets are dying all around.”

 

“You can help that then.”

 

“Can I? A lot more doctors than you think make fatal mistakes, it’s traumatizing.” Phil looks genuinely worried now, eyes wide.

 

“You just can’t doubt your abilities. I’m pretty damn sure you have the abilities for it.”

 

“Not really. My hands get all shaky when I’m nervous, I’m forgetful and clumsy, and I don’t really make good decisions, _clearly,_ since I ended up getting fired from the shittiest shelter in town.”

 

“You got fired because Jeremy is a hard-ass dickhead. Have you done surgeries before?”

 

“Yeah, work experience years ago.”

 

“Did you kill a bunch of cats or something?”

 

“No! None!”

 

“Then why won’t you be able to do it now.”

 

Phil sighs, Dan can tell he’s becoming defeated. “Even if I can, it is just a lot of stress. I don’t like such drastic change. I’d rather work someplace that I’m happy and comfortable.”

 

“I just think you’re putting yourself down too much. You just have to be confident in your abilities and I bet you can be happy at an actual vet’s office.”

 

“I’ll keep thinking about it, but no promises.”

 

Dan raises his eyebrows and Phil shakes his head so he doesn’t say any more.

 

“So, did you and Jeremy talk?” Phil asks again. Dan holds in a groan.

 

“I don’t really want to talk about it.”

 

“I think it’s good to let out your feelings, you don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to, but you should talk to someone.”

 

“Yeah,” Dan says. Phil looks at him like he’s waiting for more.

 

“You’ve just...been surprisingly happy and calm. Don’t get me wrong, everyone hurts differently, but I don’t think it’s good to hold it in if you’re sad.”

 

“I just have to do things on my own time, Phil,” he says, confident in this fact himself. Letting all the emotions pour in is not the best idea right now. It would be a waterfall and not the rational introspection he wants.

 

“Just know you can talk to me, as stupid and cliché as that is.”

 

“Yeah. I’ll remember,” Dan smiles, wide and genuine.

 

“I consider you a friend,” Phil says.

 

It makes his chest buzz with warmth for a few moments. He can feel a smile stretch on his face but he’s worried it looks sad because of how he can’t seem to stop from creasing his forehead.

 

He used to have a lot of friends, he could bounce between cliques in high school and at university he did try hard to go out and mingle. It might not have been him, but he did it. He doesn’t think he’s meant to have a lot of friends, he doesn’t have the energy for it all, rather he likes to have a few people he’s close to and give them all he’s got. That number has seemed to die down to no one, it seems. He stopped replying to a lot of old friends, stopped trying to go out at night. Then he broke up with Jeremy, the last person he had his life completely intertwined with.

 

Maybe he does need to try harder. Maybe he will try harder with Phil. His feelings aren’t exactly friendly, though, he has this burning intrigue to know every part of Phil, past the point of vulnerability to really know him inside and out, all of his fears and desires. His first and last impressions always seem to be how attractive Phil is, how nice it would be to move into his space at any time of day. It’s infiltrating his mind more and more like he’s always just one stroke of bravery away from rolling onto Phil’s chest or grabbing his hand or asking him to come to sit on his lap, something drastic. Compliments are always on the tip of his tongue, his sense of humour, his genuine kindheartedness, all the clothes that bring out his eyes, the way he coos at his pets, his hair that always looks good even when it’s messy, it all shines out at him. If he gets too tired or lost in his thoughts, it just might burst out of him one day. Probably on one day that is objectively too soon to say and do such things.

 

He’s trying to tell Phil that he sees him as a friend, too, which is _true,_ he tells himself, but he gulps instead, looking down at the sheets below them. He’s so bloody nervous all of a sudden, with sweaty palms that he nonchalantly rubs on the sheets.

 

“Me too. I like you a lot,” he finally gets out. “I’m glad I’m here, and I really do hope I’m not a burden.”

 

“You’re not a burden! I’m alone a lot, I need to hang out with more people.”

 

Dan laughs a bit sardonically. “Yeah, me too.”

 

“You’re not tiring like most people. I want to do all sorts of things with you,” Phil says. Dan looks up at him, searching his blue eyes for anything less than genuine. He wants to ask him to repeat himself just to hear it again.

 

“Honestly, you’re the same. I always get exhausted and hide away and kind of hate trying to fit in, but it’s easy with you.”

 

“That’s why I want you to be yourself and talk to me about the things bothering you!” Phil smacks Dan’s knee and he flinches out of surprise more than anything.

 

“Alright, yeah. No hiding it in. But I really do want to ignore Jeremy’s presence for the rest of my life.”

 

“Well, that’s not good for you! Sometimes the things that are scariest are the things you really need to talk about,” Phil says, in a voice that sounds like a lecturing parent.

 

“Yeah, I’ll tell you all my secrets one day,” Dan says, his mind far off from what Phil probably expects.

 

“Tell me a secret now.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Let’s start getting closer as friends. Just a little secret and I’ll tell you one.”

 

“Uh. I’m left-handed.”

 

“That’s boring! And I knew that, I’ve seen you eat and stuff. Tell me something juicy.”

 

He thinks for a few seconds. “I wish I broke up with Jeremy in 2016,” Dan says, his voice light. He hopes it’s subtle enough that Phil can ignore his involvement in the almost breakup if he wants to, but he also hopes that Phil sees the obvious connection. Dan stares at him in anticipation.

 

It wasn’t as subtle as he thought. Phil seems to go through a whirlwind of emotions and Dan realizes that perhaps it wasn’t a great thing to say. Phil looks shocked, then a little confused, then lands staring at Dan with a slightly disapproving gaze. Dan’s pulse seems to pick up speed as he wonders if he went too far with their new-found comfort about talking about personal things.

 

“Well, we decided that wasn’t a good idea.” Phil’s eyebrows are still furrowed in a strange emotion on Phil’s face, and his cheeks are burning red. His hands shake and he grabs fistfuls of the sheets, possibly to hide the tremble, Dan thinks.

 

“I know. I just wanted to tell you.”

 

“Alright, I don’t know how that helps things,” Phil says. Dan is momentarily shocked by the bluntness of Phil’s words. He’s not sure what it means exactly and he feels a bit too confused to decipher it right now.

 

“Fuck, I’m sorry, too far,” he rambles, almost desperately. “Just a stupid thing to say, it was out of line.”

 

There’s suddenly panic in his chest that Phil is going to ask him to leave. He ruined everything.

 

“No, no, it’s fine, let’s just drop it. Best not to bring up old stuff like that,” Phil says, fiddling with the sheets now. He looks a bit flustered.

 

“Oh, yeah, for sure.”

 

“Are you hungry? It’s a bit early for dinner but I forgot lunch so I’m starving,” Phil says, talking fast, apparently insistent on moving on from their conversation.

 

“I did too, actually, I’m ready to eat.”

 

“I found fajita mix,” Phil says, raising his eyebrows. Dan smiles weakly, following Phil to the kitchen.

 

Dan chops the vegetable while Phil runs around grabbing everything. He’s a bit scared to say anything and Phil doesn’t make comments either until their food is in the pan and they have nothing to do but wait. Dan leans against the opposite counter and watches Phil, but Phil seems to be avoiding his eye contact for the time being.

 

“You never told me a secret,” Dan says suddenly.

 

“What?”

 

“You told me you would tell me a secret back. Ignore how stupid my secret was, I still want one back.” Dan looks up at Phil through his eyelashes, like a silent beg for Phil to give him _something._

 

“Oh, right. Hm.”

 

Dan stares at him expectantly. He’s just not sure if they are on the same page right now.

 

In an idealistic world, he could imagine Phil saying, _my secret? I wish you broke up with Jeremy back then, too. I’m glad you have now._ That’s what would happen in a romance movie, probably, the dramatic confession while they stand in the pale light of the kitchen, moments before they crash their lips together and stumble to the bedroom.

 

“Staying on the same subject…I think I still resent you. Just a little bit,” Phil says, looking rather serious as he meets Dan’s eyes.

 

“Oh.”

 

“I’m not saying this as like, ‘I hate you and want you out’ kind of thing. I do want to be friends, I just worry that I might still hold a grudge sometimes.”

 

“I mean, I don’t blame you,” Dan shuffled around on the floor, shifting his weight.

 

“I think sometimes I just can’t believe you lied for so long, and I think you were smart enough to know what you were doing to me from the start. And then after I just lost a friend for a while, and you didn’t really try to fix things, until just a few weeks ago. And I had really strong feelings and just had to deal with Jeremy always draping himself over you when I walked in, it was as if you guys were rubbing it in. I couldn’t really say anything because we’ve never been like, _that_ close, but we always felt so instantly close that I thought I deserved more.” Phil takes a deep breath as though it was all a lot of effort to get out. Dan thinks maybe Phil was holding that in for a while.

 

Dan leans his head into his hands for a few seconds, feeling something reminiscent of a headache without the tangible throbbing, like he just wants to shut out the guilt that’s all bubbling up at once and forced upon him. He wants to hide his face, too, but he drops his hands quickly because he doesn’t want to be a child and just run away from this.

 

Jeremy definitely was rubbing their relationship in after. It was like a honeymoon period, he was always clutching onto Dan like he was something precious. He feels ashamed that Phil saw it now.

 

“No, you’re right. And—fuck, I don’t think any apology I gave was enough for that,” Dan says.

 

“I mean, what else could you do? I think now all I want is to see you be a good friend because I still get iffy and paranoid that you’re a bad person, even though when I’m with you I see a really good, genuine guy.”

 

“I’m realizing I’ve been pretty selfish. I spend a lot of time worrying about my own happiness and meaning and I think I’m looking in the wrong places, trying to insert myself into relationships for my benefit and not thinking about them. I think I need to make more connections and be good and open. I do want that with you.” Dan looks at Phil for a few long seconds, forehead wrinkled in worry. “I’m really into you. I was then and I still am.”

 

“Don’t say things that will complicate everything. You’re in high emotions after a break-up and you shouldn’t say things so rash.” Phil doesn’t seem necessarily angry anymore, he’s acting rational, actually. He turns to stir the veggies and chicken and Dan feels like the conversation is over.

 

He searches his brain for a last-ditch effort to tell Phil no, this isn’t high strung, irrational emotions. _I spent the last few years of my life falling out of love and I’m ready_. But he has a feeling that Phil won’t believe him anyway.

 

“I’m glad you told me,” Dan says instead. “That you resent me I mean. I feel guilty as hell, but I think if we open up more, things can get better, and I’ll try to prove to you that my intentions are good now. I’ll try better to open up.” Dan walks over to stand next to Phil, looking over the stove.

 

“Good, Dan.”

 

“Work was shit today. I was lying before. I drove home crying because of the things Jeremy was saying.”

 

“Oh.” Phil says it with such sympathy, his head tilting to the side, that Dan’s cheeks warm up a bit. Phil sets down the tongs he was stirring with and moves into Dan’s space, pulling him in for a warm hug. All of Phil’s hugs seem to be like this, all-encompassing with Phil’s head bending down on his shoulder, a lovely smell of raspberries, and warm skin beneath his clothing.

 

“Are we okay?” Dan asks.

 

“Yeah, we’re okay.”


	12. Chapter 12

The off-white walls and the stupid fucking clock in the animal shelter absolutely taunt him. He wants to be back at Phil’s home, eating fajitas to stupid shows and pretending everything is okay.

 

His work is even more unbearable, somehow. The end is in sight and it doesn’t even feel worth it to be here anymore. The sheets of paper make him sick to his stomach, all the time he wasted in his life doing absolutely nothing of importance. He’s nearly free and yet it still feels like he will be stuck here for an eternity.

 

Jeremy walks over and drops off next weeks schedules to update. He makes a pointed effort to not even look at Dan. The jut of his chin, high shoulders, and everything points above Dan’s head as though Dan isn’t even here.

 

It boils his blood. He would prefer a fight, he’s almost sure of it, something to show he’s worthy of eliciting some emotions. Their long-term relationship should be worth Jeremy’s tears, Jeremy’s breakdown alongside him, Jeremy showing up to work looking like a hot ass mess, too. He should be feeling just as bad, he should be missing Dan and he should be regretting everything.

 

Dan is. He is all of those things. His hair is getting too long and shaggy and his eye bags are so dark and deep set that there is no hope for him fixing it. The lack of sleep is catching up with him, he can feel it in his creaky, aching bones and his sore muscles. His brain isn’t working, delirium takes over when he tries to think of anything serious, and yet the sweet slumber of sleep doesn’t even feel nice right now, as if his ability to have a good rest has disappeared completely.

 

It’s a bad day. It’s all triggering his emotions, and he doesn’t even want to admit all the things he’s feeling.

 

Phil deserves better than him. There’s no hope in that ordeal, friends or more. Not for the fairytale-esque kindness or for the truly underrated sense of humour or the well-rounded put togetherness of Phil. All that Phil is would just make him feel lesser for his whole life.

 

Dan should go back to Jeremy, he thinks. He wants a hug, he wants the constancy and the security and he wants a home that is actually his. He wants the promise that the future is set out and he won’t be alone. He wants to eat takeout with Jeremy and talk about the little things. He wants to have sex with him, not that he’s horny, but if he were worked up it would be a great distraction.

 

He’s pathetic.

 

It hurts because it’s not even an option and he’s the only one having this mental breakdown. He was the one that got the short end of the straw, left hurt and alone with nothing. Jeremy is the one in the story who gets his life together, glows up, and shows up on his Facebook with a marriage to the love of his life in two years. He can see it already.

 

He can’t seem to do anything. His limbs don't want to pick up that pen like his head is telling him to. He sits and stares at his computer monitor, wishing he could just do his job. He must notice every tick of the clock, thousands of the annoying little sound banging against his head before the day is finally done. He’s not sure if leaving will help his emotions but anything is better than that clock ticking away his life.

 

It doesn’t feel like he's entering summer. The sky casts gray hues upon gray buildings upon gray pavement as far as the eye can see through the scattered roads of Manchester. The grass hasn’t been mended to and tickles his ankles as he walks, the dirt beneath foamy under his soles from the rain earlier. One of his friends from university years ago, an Art student in his dorm, once made an animation of gas pumping out of a car exhaustion, billowing up into the sky and painting the background a dark gray that turns the world bleak and depressing in its image. Just some climate change art piece, and Dan isn’t sure why it comes to his mind now as he turns the keys in his car and listens to the rattle of his engine, but it kind of feels like that dark smoke is filling up around him. Like he’s exhaling sadness.

 

Anyone would vomit at his edginess right now. He doesn’t really care. It’s comforting to settle with the fact that the world is fucked up and he’s going to spend most of his life sad, wishing he was doing something else, wishing something would come to save him.

 

He pulls up to Phil’s and doesn’t bother putting a face on. It probably isn’t possible and he might as well let Phil see the mess he is.

 

“Hey,” he says, holding his hands out for the dogs as he’s let in.

 

“How are you?” Phil asks, stepping back to let him in. He’s holding his rabbit against his chest, a bit like a baby.

 

Dan shrugs. “Tired.”

 

“I want to give Holly some play time. Sit out in the back with me?”

 

Dan follows Phil out, carrying his shoes through the house. The garden is small with a little patch of vegetables, some peas and tomatoes and an overflowing amount of lettuce.

 

“I try to eat healthily, but it doesn’t work out much. Holly Junior and Captain Hook have lots, though,” Phil explains. He sets the rabbit down carefully and she sniffs around, not all that playful.

 

There aren’t any chairs outside and Dan’s legs are hurting. He looks around for a minute before plopping down to sit on the grass. Phil follows suit, and neither of them mentions how gross the slightly damp grass is. They just sit there while the bunny hops along slowly, nibbling at the grass.

 

“Not a good day?” Phil asks.

 

Dan just shakes his head.

 

“Did anything happen? Or just not good?”

 

“Just not good. Didn’t say a word to Jeremy.”

 

“Well, I guess that will happen. This won’t last, remember that.”

 

Dan nods. He kind of feels like he can sleep now, out in the spongy grass where he can see ants crawling around, of all places. Phil is comforting and it’s nice to watch Holly. She comes close to him, sniffing from a few inches away. He’s too nervous to put a hand out. Slowly, all of Phil’s animals are starting to trust him, and it makes him feel very special.

 

Phil ordered Tesco’s earlier so they have a lot of options for food but they just make a simple pasta, Dan standing and watching Phil stir, not exactly sure what to do with himself. He hasn’t made any effort to smile once and he can feel his shoulders dragging down with his exhaustion. Phil is quiet, too, and he feels guilty for bringing him down.

  
Dan is ordered to choose the most comforting movie but he just picks up the first Marvel movie he sees. He doesn’t want to cry watching something sweet and nice.

 

The hurt swirls in his stomach as he tries to watch. He feels guilty for even being here, for not having anything to prove him as a good friend worthy of this support. He feels like he misses Jeremy but his rational brain needs to shut down any actions he takes for that, it’s over and done for, never to be the same again. He’s stressed about finding another job and watching his savings dwindle down in the meantime. He should be giving Phil some rent and food money, really. He wants to call his grandma.

 

He shuffles a bit closer to Phil on the pull out bed and he hardly registers it happening when Phil comes closer again. Phil meets him in the middle so their shoulders are just barely brushing. This wasn’t Dan’s move, _Phil_ closed the distance, and he feels a bit dumbfounded by the small move.

 

He stays still, focusing on the bit of warmth radiating through their t-shirts. He doesn’t want to do anything rash and stop it, he wants the slight comfort to stay all night.

 

It feels a bit desperate that he’s clinging onto something so small, but it’s the one thing that’s given him momentary happiness. Relief at the least.

 

The sun sets and the time counts down and Dan dreads the moment he will be left alone. He daydreams that Phil will fall asleep accidentally and Dan can keep him here. It’s unlikely during an action movie like this, though.

 

Phil begins checking his phone and Dan knows time is up by the time the credits start rolling in. Phil stands, let’s the dogs out, cleans the litter boxes, gives treats, and slowly walks in to say his goodnight.

 

“Will you sleep here?” Dan blurts out, just as he was playing with the idea more realistically in his mind. Phil looks surprised, Dan supposes he’ll find out soon if it was a bad idea or not.

 

“Hmm,” Phil mumbles.

 

“I’m not going to try anything, I just don’t really want to be alone. You don’t have to, though.”

 

Phil seems to consider it for a moment, biting his lips rather hard. Thor stands at his feet and stares at him expectantly, as if waiting for Phil to go to bed.

 

“Okay. Sleepover, then?”

 

Dan smiles a bit weakly. Phil mumbles something about getting ready so Dan yanks on pyjamas and walks to the bathroom as well. They brush their teeth, glancing at each other in the mirror and then Dan copies Phil as he covers his face in moisturizer. He can feel his heart pick up a bit with the anticipation. This feels like a full roleplay he’s in, as Phil’s husband ready to go to bed, or something.

 

Phil goes in the right side, the same that he does to watch TV, and lays on his back under the covers. Dan thinks about making a joke about how thankful he is that he doesn't have to look at Phil’s gaudy pyjamas anymore but his throat feels sealed. He crawls under too.

 

He didn’t think about the implications of the animals with them. They must usually go with Phil because he now sees Buffy run under the bed, and both Bear and Thor are let up. Thor curls up close to Phil’s legs and Bear comes up on the side of Dan. It’s not a bad setup, it feels very homely and nice. He could do this every night.

 

He feels tense but only because he thinks Phil might be tense. Further, he thinks if he asks if Phil is tense it will only make things _more_ tense.

 

“Hey, relax,” Phil says, flashing a smile and looking at him. Dan must have wide eyes or something. He nods.

 

“Sorry if I roll over on you, or something, I’m used to a big bed to myself,” Phil says. Dan finds himself relieved and excited at that admission.

 

“I really wouldn’t mind,” Dan says. He moves forward a bit until his front half is leaning more towards Phil, his temple gently against his shoulder. Phil tilts his head towards Dan. This isn’t feeling all that nonreciprocal after all.

 

“You might also wake up with Thor on your face smothering you. He does that sometimes.”

 

Dan holds back an _I wish I woke up with you on my face_ joke and just smiles.

 

“Well. Goodnight.” Phil’s voice sounds like it has a slight tremble in it. Dan wonders if he’s a bit nervous.

 

They lay there for a few long minutes. Dan feels a bit exhilarated and nervous, too much to sleep quite yet, and he could guess Phil is awake by how still he is. They’re close but carefully apart. Dan doesn’t really feel like he can move an inch and it’s tensing up his whole body.

 

He tries to loosen up a bit, but feels uncomfortably balanced on his side, trying to tuck his hands into his chest too much. Slowly, he stretches his arm out a bit to let his forearm stretch out across Phil’s bicep, his hand landing just above his shoulder. It feels safe enough, but Phil tenses up under him. He wonders if Phil will tell him if he’s uncomfortable or if Dan should just back off.

 

There’s some movement under the covers and Phil’s arm, the one closest to Dan, comes up to slip his fingers through Dan’s. He freezes, letting it happen easily until their hands fall, linked and overlapped.

 

This feels like something. Something significant, a true sign, and Dan sighs out, his heart beating far faster than it should for such an action.

 

Phil squeezes his hand and Dan is ready to not move an inch for the rest of the night, just take in this lovely moment for as long as he can. He will probably wake up still clutching him.

 

Phil is still holding his hand rather tight but all of a sudden, the grip loosens completely and Phil sits up in bed.

 

“Phil?” Dan is immediately up on his elbow.

 

“I’m sorry, shit…. I think I’m a bit uncomfortable with this,” Phil says.

 

“Oh. We don’t have to hold hands,” Dan says.

 

Through the silhouette of him, only moonlight from the front window lighting up the room, Dan sees Phil put his head in his hands.

 

“I’m still a bit scared even of just waking up next to you and being so close. I already see you first thing in the morning, all sleepy and soft, and it all feels very vulnerable. Does it to you?”

 

“What are you scared of?” Dan sits up fully, trying to see Phil’s expression, but his eyes aren’t adjusting fully. Phil is quiet and he wants to shake him and demand an answer for this strange behaviour.

 

“Of falling for you.”

 

Dan is silent now, unable to even really wrap his head around it. It sounds so absurd now that he can’t fully grasp how exciting such an admission should be. It sounds too sad for that.

 

“I’m not going to break your heart this time,” Dan says it in a whisper. It feels very much like they’re sharing secrets.

 

“I believe that you believe that.”

 

“I swear it, I’m not, like, delirious.”

 

He vaguely sees Phil shake his head.

 

“I can’t get into anything with someone still fresh in a breakup. You’re heartbroken, how would that work? Getting over someone while getting with someone else? It would be taking advantage of you.”

 

Dan doesn’t reply. It just would work, he thinks. They’ve waited all this time.

 

“If something does happen I need to trust you more. I’m scared for how deep I’ll fall. Again.”

 

Phil’s voice is deep and soft and Dan feels an ache at the emotion and honesty he can tell is present.

 

“Wait for me then," Dan says.

 

“Alright,” Phil says, nodding now.

 

He stays sitting up, not making a move, and Dan is a bit scared to beckon him down again. Phil would be uncomfortable. Dan couldn’t sleep with that.

 

“Do you want to sleep in your own bed for tonight then?” Dan asks.

 

“No...I can stay if you really need me. I shouldn’t be making such a big deal, like tons of friends share beds—”

 

Dan cuts him off. “No, if it’s too much then it just is. I don’t want to mess things up.”

 

Phil seems to consider it again. “Can I leave you all the pets with you for company?” Dan is disappointed despite himself, it settles deep in his gut.

 

“Just give me Bear, he’s a good cuddler,” Dan says, patting his fur to show his point. His attempt at lightheartedness is overshadowed by a crack in his voice.

 

Phil hugs him, slightly awkwardly from the side, but tight.

 

“You can come to my bed. If you want. I won’t be mad, I just worry about what I’ll want to do here. Feel my heart.” Phil picks up Dan’s hand and puts it on his chest, and he can feel it beating fast. He’s not sure if it’s to the level of his own pulsing in his head. He feels a bit dumbfounded when his hand is dropped.

 

“I wasn’t going to tell you but I guess we’re trying to be more open, and I feel weird because you’ve put your emotions out there a lot. We just can’t yet. I don’t even know if this is a healthy way to get into a relationship, or if things will ever be totally healed.”

 

Dan nods, unsure of what to do other than just agree. He needs more time to let this confession wash over him before he can even begin to deal with these hard questions that he’d rather not answer.

 

“Goodnight, Dan.”

 

“Goodnight.”

 

Phil walks away, just a dark figure disappearing down the dark hallway with a corgi following after. He can see Phil looking back at him a couple times.

 

Dan hugs Bear tight. He read once that dogs don’t like this much but Bear is calm and affectionate. He doesn’t know what he’d do if Bear wasn’t here because silent tears are flowing and his chest is aching with a mass of emotions he can’t begin to name. He doesn’t feel good. He feels alone and confused and hopeless when he wants to be feeling butterflies over Phil having feelings for him.

  
Things might be ruined forever. This heartbreak may never end.

 

He feels so horrendously alone in this bed. It’s almost unbearable at this point and he wants someone here.

 

***  


He wakes up by his alarm and his eyes are hard to open. They’re nearly sealed shut with tears and goop and it feels horrible to open them to a bright, blurry room.

 

Bear is pressed against his leg still. The loyalty could bring tears to Dan’s eyes on another day, but no more could possibly come right now. His dry mouth is a horrendous distraction from any peace of more sleep so he throws off the covers and stumbles to the kitchen, pouring some water in a coffee mug, chugging it almost desperately.

 

After, he goes and sits on his bed and opens his phone. He ignores the notifications and finds his grandma’s landline number. He decided this late in the night, the last bit of comfort he could give himself, but he didn’t have the heart to wake her up when she was sleeping. It rings a few times and he thinks if she doesn’t pick up right now he might actually hit rock bottom.

 

“Daniel! Hello. I never hear from you in the morning, you sleepy head.”

 

“Hi, Grandma.”

 

“What is it dear?” The worry in her voice makes it clear she can tell something is wrong. It’s comforting that she knows without him spelling it out. So endlessly comforting right now.

 

“Can I come over soon? Like as soon as you’re available?” His voice is cracking as he says it, it’s hard to hold his emotions in, especially after hearing the voice of his biggest constant in life. He should have called her when this mess first happened.

 

“Oh, of course… I was going to Linda’s lake house this Saturday and Sunday. Then I’m in next weekend.”

 

“Can I come tomorrow?” Dan asks. He will figure out his work. Skip out if he has to. Fuck that place.

 

“Oh how soon! That would be lovely, yes, of course. You have a ticket? It’s busy this season.”  


“I’ll check for the soonest one.” 

 

“Okay. Well my door is completely open the next couple days, and longer if you need. Would you like to talk now about what this is?”

 

“Not yet. I promise I’m okay, but I need to get ready for work.”

 

“Okay, hun. I’ll trust you, though you know I’m a bit of a worry wart. You tell me when I’m coming, I’ll go to the store today.”

 

“I will. Love you, Grandma,” Dan says, his voice cracking again, but he feels no shame.

 

“I love you lots, Bear.”

 

Dan hangs up and sits, breathing. He must have slept, he probably passed out by pure exhaustion alone, but he doesn’t feel particularly refreshed.

 

He pets Bear until the puppy is leaning back against his thigh and closing his eyes in relaxation.

 

“I never told you that we share a name, Bear. Well, nickname. Grandma came up with it because of my curly brown hair and because I was a chubby toddler, or something. We’re one and the same, both awkward and lanky, aren’t we? Well, you’re awkward because you have three workable legs, but sometimes I seem to have two left feet. I guess we also have a lot of fondness for your owner. That’s something I should probably stop dwelling on for a while, though."

 

He hears Phil walk over after a couple minutes and coffee is being made before he even gets a hello. He waits a couple minutes, sitting still, and Phil delivers.

 

“Morning,” Phil passes it gently, sitting down next to him.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Did you sleep alright?”

 

“Yeah, I think I passed out for a good few hours.”

 

“That’s good. Hey, I think I was being immature last night and I’m sorry I left, I don’t know why I freaked.” Phil is wide-eyed and guilty looking, head hanging slightly.

 

Dan shakes his head immediately. “Nuh-uh, don’t say that. I feel the vulnerability, too. It does mean something and if doing stuff like that is going to ruin it then I don’t want it.”

 

Phil nods but Dan still gets the hunch he’s unsure. Maybe Phil expected him to come to his room.

 

They don’t talk about it further. They eat their cereal sleepily at the table. Phil had a dream his taxi driver tried to kidnap him or something. He leaves with the dogs and after a while of sulking, Dan heads to work.

 

Everything feels dark today. The sleep didn’t clear the cloud hanging over his head. It hurts to think about Phil and Jeremy and work and his life and yet it’s impossible to push them all out of his mind. It’s suddenly swarming him like a pack of mosquitos. His emotions are spilling over the edge and it takes maximum effort to hold it together. He needs to cry but he’s going to hold it off. Just one more day of work.

 

He’s five minutes late to work and he just walks straight to Jeremy’s office, pushing in. He tries not to think about how much it aches to see his face. This man will feel like a stranger one day, no doubt about it, and all the secrets and special moments they shared will cease to matter. All that they had built.

 

It used to be them against the world. It changed so fast.

 

“Can I switch around my shifts? Get the next two days and then work the weekend?” Dan asks, looking down at his desk rather than Jeremy’s surprised face.

 

Jeremy thinks for a few seconds.

 

“Uh...well Annie is out of school I believe so she might be able to switch. You can call her,” Jeremy says, referring to their part-time receptionist.

 

“Alright.” Dan spins on his heels to leave. Jeremy doesn’t ask his reason. Maybe he thinks Dan wants to get away from him. He will only have to work with Jeremy on Monday this way, so it is a win-win.

 

Annie graciously agrees, she’s probably happy to get a weekend off. He boots up the PC and waits as patiently as he can to load Internet Explorer. He searches up train tickets and finds one from Manchester to Reading for early tomorrow morning. He books it immediately and then texts his Grandma, who sends back a slew of silly, happy emojis and lots of hearts of different colours. He remembers teaching her how to use emojis and it’s endlessly endearing to see her excited about it still, amazed at what his grandson can do. He sends back a few bright hearts, knowing he wouldn’t talk like this to anyone but her.

 

That whole ordeal took fifteen minutes of the start of his shift. He has eight hours and fifteen minutes left of this day, including breaks. He counts up in his head slowly the last three days of his shift and that’s twenty-five hours and thirty minutes more. It feels like an absolute lifetime.

 

He has to transfer the schedules into the computer. He has a few invoices of food and supplies to check and sign before giving them to Jeremy. The drought of no adopters is continuing. This job should be comprised of having customers to walk to the back and answer the phone for, which includes filling out adoption forms and checking health assessments forms. Except this job is dying and his position is practically worthless right now. He could have always asked for more jobs to fill up his days, even to help out with basic animal care taking, but he was never one to go above and beyond. He was one to sit and cherish the time where he can do shit all. It doesn’t really make sense, he’s not happy like this.

 

He scrolls through media on his phone, quietly watching YouTube videos until his battery is too low. He doesn’t go for lunch, he has no appetite whatsoever. He’s just sad, overwhelmingly sad with no release, and he’s happy that no one tries to talk to him while he holds it together, playing more Solitaire over and over again until he thinks he could win a world record for this speed.

 

The thought of leaving should be more hopeful, but who’s to say his next job won’t be worse? At least he has some freedom here, what if he’s stuck flipping burgers next? Handling screaming retail customers? He has no degree, and no real drive to go find the connections for a great job.

 

The shift ends eventually, he’s actually out the door a few minutes early. It’s not like he can get fired now. He breathes a sigh of relief to be in his car, to have some alone time and feel a bit protected. When he sees Jeremy walk out, he pulls away and drives to Phil’s.

 

The door opens and Phil’s smiling wide at him.

 

“Hey, Phil.”

 

“Hey, Dan. You survived work.” Phil doesn’t seem very optimistic about Dan having a good day anymore.

 

“The printer nearly ate me but I made it out.”

 

“I have good news...and a favour to ask. My brother might be able to get the day off if you can’t, though.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“They found a spot for Bears surgery on Tuesday! At first it was pushed back a lot, there’s never enough vets, but someone else cancelled! I think it would be best to take him in a car, he’s going to be too sedated after.”

 

Dan looks down at the puppy and smiles. He swears he sees a twinkle in Bears eye as he holds up his arm to his body, how he’s accustomed. Sometimes he walks on it, limping, but usually he hops around on three legs.

 

“Sure, Phil, I’ll drive you.”

 

“You’re a lifesaver. For Bear. Soon he shouldn’t be in so much pain and he can really learn to walk on three legs. I’ve been looking over the updated research for dog prosthetics, too, but they’re not as good as the ones for humans. Just like a stick on wheels. I was hoping to have part dog part cyborg by the end, something futuristic.”

 

Dan smiles. “Hopefully that technology comes soon.”

 

“Yes for sure. Sorry, come in, I didn’t mean to trap you at the front, I just got excited.”

 

He walks in, moving to the bed where Dan can see a switch controller buried in the messy sheets on Dan’s usual side. The world select screen for Mario Kart is on the television.

 

“Wanna play? It’s much better with a friend.”

 

“Sure, just for a bit. I'm kind of tired. And Phil, I’m going to my Grandma’s tomorrow.”

 

“Oh, cool. After work?”

 

“No, I switched my shifts. I’m staying until Friday evening so I’ll be gone for a night. She lives in Reading.”

 

“Oh.” Phil sounds slightly disappointed but perks up a second later. “Well that sounds like it’ll be really great, Dan.”

 

“Yeah. I need to talk things out and cry for a bit honestly, and my Grandma always has good advice. I need to get out of your hair, too, I’ve already been here for a few days, and don’t even tell me it’s fine because it’s getting a bit excessive.”

 

“I _do_ like having you here,” Phil insists. Dan thinks Phil’s feelings are probably a lot more complicated than that.

 

“Okay, well I’m not leaving forever.”

 

“Okay, yeah, you’re right. I think it’ll be really good to talk to someone you trust. Talk to her about me, if you want.”

 

“Yeah, I will. I’ll be talking shit all day tomorrow.” Phil smacks his arm playfully.

 

“Me and Bear are gonna be talking shit while you’re gone, then.”

 

“Shut up. But yes, I want to sort my feelings out for Jeremy and you and I need some time apart to heal and think. You're right, maybe I am too vulnerable and caught up on things and you don't deserve that."

 

Phil smiles warmly at him in response.

 

"Now let’s just play Mario Kart and enjoy my time left.” 

 

“Are you coming back after?” Phil asks.

 

Dan pauses. He’s really been avoiding looking too far in the future, just taking life as it comes at him. “I guess I have nowhere else to go yet.”

 

“Alright, it’s no problem then.”

 

He plays Mario Kart, just slightly more off his game than he’d usually be. Phil is proud and happy about his own skills in comparison so it’s not the worst thing.

 

He tells himself that soon he’ll be able to wallow and cry. It’s a strange comfort, but he thinks it’s going to be nothing but cathartic to get away and cry on his Grandma’s lap. Even if he’s scared for what will come out of his emotions.


	13. Chapter 13

The train leaves at exactly 9:47 and he spends about half the time masterfully creating a playlist and the other half listening to it and staring out the window like he’s in a movie.

 

It’s an easy trip to his grandma’s, he can still remember the bus routes from his teenage years. He’s been texting her updates about where he is and she’s been sending back pictures of her macaroni and cheese in the oven.

 

She refuses to be placed in a seniors home and Dan is glad for it now, despite all of the worries about her living alone. The house smells the same and looks the same as it did when he was younger. Tiny rooms with matted carpet are filled with mismatched furniture and souvenirs and photographs laying around. She always turns the heat up a horrendous amount but it’s not horrible walking in from the cold splattering of rain outside.

 

She’s little over five feet tall and her slouch doesn’t help much. He bends down to hug her tightly and she holds him as if he’s fragile.

 

“Oh! It’s so good to see you. Manchester is just too far, you need to come see your grandma more. Lunch is almost ready!” Just as she says it, something from the kitchen starts beeping and she rushes back.

 

He takes off his shoes and pulls his suitcase in the rest of the way in the house. He doesn’t need all of this stuff but it felt too rude to leave at Phil’s. He would have left it in his car if he drove here but he doesn’t trust his car to make it such long distances.

 

He walks into the kitchen while his grandma is serving up a plate of mac and cheese for him. He ate here so often as a kid that he could tell apart all the smells of her cooking compared to anyone elses, and hers is always the best.

 

She doesn’t look much older than how he remembers her, which is a relief. She has deep crows feet and smile lines and her hair is nearly white but she looks wonderful to Dan.

 

He sits and takes the plate, smiling wide and genuine. She asks about the trip and he rambles about every detail, how the countryside looked, how nice it was to listen to music, about the cute baby not far from him was so good and barely cried. She nods along attentively, slowly eating. There is a huge amount of food leftover and Dan has a feeling he’s going to be sent home with a few dishes of Tupperware.

 

She has a hot chocolate in his hands soon and he doesn’t have the heart to tell her it’s way too hot inside for a warm drink, and that he also grew out of his sweet tooth years ago. He just follows her to the lounge and sips at it, looking around at the house plants, old birthday cards, a bowl of sweets, and mass of family pictures all around that seem to go back years. She never throws anything out, it seems.

 

“I’m going to get you on hoarders one of these days,” he comments.

 

“Oh jeez, it’s not that much stuff!”

 

“Acceptance is the first step, Grandma,” he says jokingly. She always laughs far too loud at his stupid jokes. He blames her for enabling his silly random humour a few years ago.

 

“Now dear, I know somethings getting you down. I can hear that head whirring from here! What’s going on?”

 

It feels too soon to get into it all. He wants to sit and keep making small talk now that he’s comfortable in her presence but he knows keeping his emotions in hasn’t been good for anyone. He sighs.

 

“Me and Jeremy broke up,” he says. “That’s the main thing but I’m just very confused about life right now. Quit the animal shelter because of him, so I’m out of a job soon. Basically, everything is falling apart.” He laughs sarcastically, forgetting for a moment that he doesn’t have to pretend with her. He clears his throat and just frowns.

 

“Oh dear. Oh, that’s hard, and you two were going so strong, what happened?”

 

“I don’t know. We just kept fighting all the time, it’s like we became two different people than when we started and we couldn’t agree on anything. I don’t know if I did the right thing, though. Every day I just feel worse and I wonder if I gave up too fast.”

 

“If you think it was the right decision then you need to trust yourself.”

 

“But I don’t know! How do I know? What if I lost the best life for me?”

 

“What were you fighting about? What don’t you agree on now?” She asks, listening intently. He hesitates to talk about Phil.

 

He shrugs, trying to think of how to say it. “I guess I started seeing another side of him that I don’t like. He wasn’t abusive, don’t worry, but he was mean and jealous. I think we’re just pretty different people and I just didn’t know how to get out of it for a while..”

 

“Do you think you’ve changed as people since you first met? Grew apart?”

 

Dan thinks for a bit, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. “I guess. He’s always been passionate about social change and his work which I always admired, but he’s just turned into someone that follows the status quo and does what he’s supposed to. Like, he used to have all these ideas for reforming animal shelters and now he just upholds the policy  _ more _ . And it’s not like it’s just him at work, all the time he’s acting stuck up, trying to make everything perfect by ignoring issues or trying to get rid of them. He  _ always _ thinks he’s right.” He thinks about how Jeremy wanted him to have nothing to do with Phil.

 

“I see,” she says, sympathetically. “Do you still love him?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Well, how about this. Do you want to see him happy? Do you want to cherish him for the rest of your life? Or do you love the comfort and love that  _ he _ gives  _ you _ ?”

 

He furrows his eyebrows, trying to think.

 

“I was married for forty-four years, hun. Often you disagree and want to just scream at each other, but you can’t be resenting each other so much that you can’t love each other selflessly. It might be a thin line and it might be just a bad time for you guys, but you met him young, you don’t have to settle.” She takes his hand, running the pad of her thumb over his knuckles.

 

“I’m twenty-seven, I should settle relatively soon if I want to have a family.”

 

“Oh gosh if you’re that old then I must have died fifty years ago!”

 

“Grandma,” he tilts his head at her. “You married at, like, eighteen.”

 

“It was a different time. I couldn’t go to post-secondary or get a job for many reasons. I was raised to be a housewife, it was horrid and mundane, and I’m lucky I actually liked that son of a bitch I married! You millennials are different, you can do anything and it sounds lucky to me!”

 

He shrugs. “There are still expectations.”

 

“From who? Your parents? They can lay off. That reminds me, they want you to come over tonight.”

 

“You told them I was coming? Grandma! I just wanted to stay with you.”

 

“Well I had plans tonight anyway, I’m not around unless you really need me. But you haven’t seen them for a good while, you have to make an effort to see your own parents!”

 

He frowns. 

 

“What was I saying? Oh! You need to do what makes you happy, not what is technically right. I think you’re more like Jeremy than you think, and I know you’ve changed a lot through your twenties. I want to see you passionate about things again, don’t settle down yet. Do it for your grandma.”

 

“But I feel more lost and lonely than I ever have in my whole life,” Dan says, hearing his voice crack. He doesn’t hide it in this time, he lets a hiccup rip out of his throat and the tears are flowing, his face crunches up in a permanent wince.

 

“Oh hun, oh Bear, come here,” she pats to her lap and Dan lays down, snivelling. She runs her fingers through his curls. “Just let it out, don't dwell on the answers. I’m so sorry for this pain in you, oh Bear.”

 

***

 

He ends up at his parent's house. His grandma dropped him off on the way to her church for Jesus movie night, or something. She offered to stay behind but after he was all cried out he knew he had to go. His parents wouldn’t let him live it down if he ignored them.

 

He doesn’t have the same warmth for this house as he does his grandma’s, rather he feels weird knowing his childhood bedroom is here, the place he spent hours upon hours in growing up. It wasn’t a particularly tragic childhood but he knows he was a pretty angsty teenager here. Horrid brown decorations and emo posters and a lock he installed himself on the door.

 

It’s small, it always felt too small for four people, but really it wasn’t so bad. He just felt like he needed to escape a lot.

 

He gives hugs to his parents. His brother is at band camp or something. They comment on the weather and he nods in agreement, going to sit on the couch with their dog, Collin, petting him just to do something with his hands.

 

“So, what have you been up to?” his dad asks. It feels like an interrogation is starting. This phrase is the secret code for _what are you doing with your life_.

 

“Oh, same old,” he mumbles. “You?”

 

They talk about their latest trip to India. Mum is half retired and they want to travel more. It’s strangely comforting to hear them talk about things, it feels like he’s back at the dinner table as a teenager with no choice but to hear the rambles.

 

He doesn’t hate them. He feels a fondness for them, if anything, an aching heart that somehow misses what their relationship could have been. It’s weird, that’s all, after so many fights over his decisions with no closure and then years filled with distancing himself. He comes up for Christmas every two years, avoids heavy talks, and that’s about it. They know what each other is doing almost completely through his grandma as far as he’s concerned.

 

“So. Still at the shelter?” His mum asks as their conversation comes to a close. Dan would have happily avoided this, but he feels some sort of obligation to answer their questions. They are family after all.

 

“Well, not for much longer. And no, I don’t have an answer for what I’m doing after, I came up to talk to Grandma about some of that stuff,” Dan says.

 

“Oh! Well, I’m glad you’re out of that job. A receptionist is no respectable career for your lifetime, I always knew you could do better,” his dad says. Heat flashes through him. If he ends up at a worse job, how will he disappoint his parents all over again?

 

“Well, that’s exciting! You could go back to school? Or a lot of trades are really picking up, I can send you an article…” his mum starts saying when he doesn’t reply.

 

“I told you, I don’t have an answer yet.”

 

“Well it’s something to think about soon, isn’t it? You’re not getting any younger,” his dad says.

 

“Yes, I know! Don’t get your hopes up, I’m not going to be a lawyer,” Dan says. He’s met with silence and he instantly regrets using such a snappy tone.

 

“I just don’t know yet, okay? I have no answers with what I’m doing for my life and I don’t want to get you all excited. I’m leaving my job because Jeremy and I have split up.”

 

“Oh dear, what happened! He was such a nice man,” his mum says. His dad stays quiet, he never interacted with Jeremy much.

 

“Things just ran its course. And yeah, school or whatever would be nice but I’m getting older and it would put me in debt and the program I would choose would not make you all that happy. I don’t think you want me going to school.”

 

They seem to think for a few moments. His mum is leaning forward on her crossed knees while his dad is back in an armchair, legs wide set.

 

“What would you choose?” she asks.

 

“Philosophy, or something. I know what you’re going to say, I can’t get a job with that.”

 

“Well, not necessarily...I suppose you would gain a lot of skills for a lot of jobs. Critical thinking, right? And you can always teach, you’re bright enough.” his mum says, voice a bit high-pitched. He’s surprised to hear such a thing from her. He looks at his dad, expecting surprise and anger to be etched into his wrinkles, but he has a relatively neutral expression.

 

“I...guess.” He looks at his dad. His dad grunts, sitting up before speaking.

 

“Y’know, I put a lot of pressure on you as a kid to be a lawyer but only because I thought you wanted it. You were always a little firecracker ready to debate! You’re a man now and I will trust whatever decision you make. I just want to see you do something you’re proud of.” His dad doesn’t look at his face while he speaks, but Dan can tell he’s trying.

 

He feels some bitterness in his chest that they couldn’t have spoken so rationally when he was nineteen. Why couldn’t his dad have understood him then? 

 

But it  _ is _ overwhelmingly nice, he feels a bit ashamed to have gone into the conversation snapping at them like he’s a teenager again.

 

“I’ll think long and hard on it,” he says.

 

“Good. Now, let’s relax a bit. It’s been a while since we’ve hung out, son,” his dad says, looking in his eyes finally.

 

***

 

He’s back at his grandma’s after a surprisingly pleasant evening. She goes to bed at ten so he goes, too, back to the cozy guest bedroom. He’s not at all tired but he doesn’t really know what to do with his conflicting emotions. 

 

He runs back and forth over his options, wondering if he should be taking a real break from Phil. But he misses him and he really wants to talk to Phil, he doesn’t know what else he’s going to do for the next few hours until he sleeps.

 

He opens up Phil’s contact name but changes his mind. He needs to think more and he can’t be getting dependent.

 

He needs to think about if he and Phil can have a healthy relationship. He needs to think about Jeremy and whether or not he’s really over him. He needs to think about himself and being independent, even if every bone in his body is wanting Phil to love him right now.

 

He watches a couple of sad movies, let’s himself cry, and sleeps.

 

***

 

“There’s someone else in my life,” he says the next day. He's just had some amazing pancakes and helped his grandma handwash all the dishes. They’re at the table now with a little cribbage board and cards between them.

 

“You mean….”

 

“Like, a guy that I like. He’s the vet at the shelter and I fell for him last year, which was definitely an issue. I didn’t cheat on Jeremy or anything but things haven’t been the same. Then I stayed at his house when we broke up so my feelings are all out of wack,” Dan says, aware he’s rambling on rather fast.

 

“Tell me about him,” she says. Her lips are pursed like she might be a bit disappointed.

 

“He’s, uh, the vet, and he’s really smart. Loves animals more than anyone I know, and houseplants, he could honestly keep anything alive. His house is like a damn zoo. He’s very idealistic and loving, and he just adopted a puppy with a badly injured arm. I get the hunch that he’s not very confident in himself but it’s weird because he’s, like, the best person in the world. Well, that’s an exaggeration but he’s different. He’s weird. Kind of funny looking, he’s got a nose like a beak and crooked teeth and pasty skin but I think he’s so beautiful somehow. One of those people that’s just  _ different _ and so kind.” He puts a couple cards down, barely paying attention to the game as he speaks.

 

“Well. You speak about him differently than you do Jeremy.”

 

“Is that a good thing?”

 

“If you know him well, then I think so. You seem to admire him.”

 

“I think I want to stay his friend if anything. We get along like it’s nothing. He knows I have feelings but he’s scared to do anything because I’m too heartbroken. Like, he thinks I'm going to back out, I think. Sometimes I feel like I could heal _with_ him, though, you know?”

 

“Oh, hun, slow down! Why rush?”

 

“Because I’ve had feelings since last year. I’m ready to actually feel something, right? And you always say if something feels right then I should trust myself and go for it. You said that yesterday!”

 

“I’m not telling you to  _ not  _ go for it, I’m telling you to slow down. Enjoy your feelings, enjoy being with him, take things one step at a time and  _ really  _ get to know him. Make sure there aren’t some fundamental issues that you’re never going to get past. It’s the best feeling in the world to fall for someone, just slow down and enjoy  _ him,  _ not a label or commitment. You’re not too old, okay, Daniel?”

 

He nods. “Alright. But what if I fall harder and he can never learn to trust me?”

 

“It’s a risk everyone takes. Now, eight,” she says, putting a card down.

 

“Eighteen,” he says, slapping a king down. “I think he’s worth it. To try, anyway.”

 

“Then charm him good, boy. Love openly and make sure he’s always worth it.” She pauses. “Twenty-one for two.”

 

***

 

He has tickets to a late train that gets back in Manchester at 22:00. His car is still there waiting for him, and he’s sleepy as he pulls himself into the driver's seat. He almost wishes this piece of shit got stolen so he could get the insurance money.

 

He texted Phil on the train, praying he’s still welcome at his house. Phil sounds happy over their messages so he goes home fast, feeling exhausted but in a better mood than he has recently.

 

He and his grandma talked for much longer, on and off between card games, about many things. About all the stuff Jeremy did and where Phil came into play. Grandma seemed a bit disappointed in how he handled his crush and he can’t really disagree. They talked at length about how to handle Jeremy and Dan feels calmer now to let things take its course and move on. They talked about his future and he still feels at a dead end but he promised to do his research.

 

He doesn't have answers but things don’t feel so daunting anymore.

 

Phil opens the door and hugs him, quick and nice, and Dan can feel dogs jumping up on their legs, but he doesn’t pull back until Phil does. He’s gotten lots of hugs from his grandma and isn’t feeling so touch starved but this interaction is nice in a different way.

 

He kneels on the ground and pets the dogs, one hand each, while Thor repeatedly tries to lick him and Bear’s tail smacks the wall repeatedly with his excitement.

 

While they drag in Dan’s big suitcase to the lounge, Phil tells him about Martyn and Cornelia (brother and brother’s girlfriend, Dan eventually concludes, which lessens the sudden brewing jealousy) coming over to play a board game called Chameleon. He rambles about the pasta they somehow burnt so they had to order takeout and then they got the wrong order so their dinner was all out of whack. Something about Cornelia's music career, too.

 

“Sorry, I just haven’t seen you in a day, I need to tell you about everything,” Phil says. Dan smiles at that. “How was seeing your grandma?”

 

They sit on the pull out bed but nothing’s on the TV. Dan goes cross-legged facing Phil.

 

“Talked about a lot of stuff. It was nice, and I want to start getting over Jeremy and get on with my life. Might go back to school. I’m really thinking about it.”

 

“That’s really good, Dan.” Phil beams at him.

 

“I think one of the worst things in life is not having control. I mean, I don’t have control over how people see me and trust me, and that’s hard to not get the kind of love I might want. But it goes further, too, feeling like  _ I’m  _ not in control of  _ myself. _ Y’know, I can imagine myself being an amazing friend or boyfriend or family, whatever, being available and loving and selfless. I can imagine all the work it takes to study long hours and focus and I think I could do really good in school, or if I worked with maximum effort in a job I’d probably be employee of the month! I can imagine the best me.”

 

“Why can’t you be that person?” Phil asks.

 

“I don’t know! I just go home and don’t do any of the things I know I should be doing. I get tired and lazy, whatever it is, I just can’t be that perfect guy that I imagine, it’s like the flaws slip out without me doing it consciously. I worry that I really don’t have control of my destiny or how hard I work, I just feel held back by my psyche and my worries.” Dan stares at the white sheets on the bed, mouth in a tight line. He probably didn’t make any sense, he thinks.

 

“Well...that’s normal. Humans get intellectually tired and can’t work all the time. They get introverted and they get nervous, for good reasons sometimes. If you have such high expectations, which I suspect you do for yourself, then the minute you fail that unrealistically high expectation, you just feel like a failure and give up anything. Am I right? Is that you?”

 

Dan nods vigorously. “Literally. If it doesn’t happen perfectly, it doesn’t happen for me.”

 

“Let yourself be a failure, it’s better to fail than not do it at all!”

 

“Debatable.” Dan smiles sardonically.

 

“What that means is that the more you try the more you’re going to succeed, so the more times you fail, the more times you’re trying and therefore you succeed more!”   
  


“That’s going to explode my brain, I’m too damn tired. But yeah, I get what you mean. But school and relationships and stuff like that have a lot at stake. Even just like money and time.”

 

“Well, is it all worth it? These things that you want?”

 

Dan looks up at Phil. “Yeah. I think so.”

 

Phil nods. “I get what you mean, though, with everything. I have bursts of confidence but then I go to do the thing and just chicken out. Go the safe route.”

 

“Yeah. There’s always an easy way that’s a lot less harrowing.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Hey. I know you usually don’t stay up late. Wanna watch a short episode of something?”

 

“Yeah...well, we can watch a movie or something. I was thinking of sleeping here? So I could just fall asleep during it?” Phil phrases it like a question and Dan doesn’t react immediately.

 

“Oh!” He says, excitedly, but then pauses. “No, really, I’m feeling better.”

 

“Just a sleepover. No funny business. To make up for ditching you last time.”

 

“No, you don’t have to.”

 

“No, I thought about it and I want to be comfortable with you. As friends! It’ll be fun, can I stay?”

 

Dan thinks that if Phil panics and leaves again, he’s going to regret this a lot. He just nods, though.

 

Phil leaves and he must be getting ready for bed. He comes back and gets under the covers, putting on something he says he’s seen too many times, so he can sleep.

 

“Hey, Dan? Do you think we’ll stay friends for a long time?” he asks, out of the blue.

 

“Oh, well I hope so. That was the plan for me,” Dan says, trying not to overthink Phil’s overuse of the word friend.

 

“So after this is all better, you think you’ll still come hang out a lot.”

 

“Honestly, yeah, I promise. I know I’ll want to.”

 

“Sorry, I sometimes need reassurances and it gets annoying but I was just wondering.”

 

“Don’t apologize, it’s okay.” 

 

Dan is already in track pants and a loose t-shirt, his comfy travel outfit, so he just slouches down under the covers. He’s promising himself he’ll get ready for bed later but he almost doubts it. The movie starts which means no talking, because Phil hates that, even if it’s a movie he could quote by memory.

 

Phil's presence is strong next to him. Every breath and mumble, even just the knowledge that they're sleeping in bed together, even if it's just as  _friends_ as Phil insists. He looks over and feels his chest clench up a bit. This feels comfortable but also exciting in a way that could spark his nerves if he thinks too deeply. He's not going to try anything, though, even if he wants to. He's not going to ruin this.

 

He doesn’t remember getting past the first ten minutes of  _ The Science of Sleep _ before exhaustion overcomes him and he gives into the heaviness dragging him into the soft sheets. Phil is a few inches away but he still feels warmer from it. He drifts into a deep sleep, that nothing could make him stir from.


	14. Chapter 14

Dan is awoken by Phil waking up, rolling out of bed and pouring kibble into bowls, pattering around with tapping claws following him.

 

Dan wishes he could have savoured the moment more. His silly fantasy didn’t play out he doesn’t think, the one of Phil rolling over to hug him in their sleep at some point, unless he just didn’t wake up.

 

He feels well rested, unbelievably so, and it must feel that much more lovely since it’s been so long since he’s gotten a genuinely good sleep. It wraps around him like a warm hug and he wants to sink into the sheets and enjoy the feeling of comfort and stay on the brink of the nice dreams he must have been having but can’t remember. Good feelings are indented into this mattress.

 

Slowly, he rolls over, barely lifting his head from the soft fabric beneath until he’s in Phil’s spot. He lines up his body on the emitting heat and breathes in the slight smell of raspberries and flowers on the pillow. Phil smiles at him when he walks over, grabbing a couple of leashes. Dan checks the time and drifts to sleep again, trapping the heat in between the comforter, trying to slip back into dream world, until Phil inevitably comes back and makes him coffee.

 

Coffee is delivered right to his side of the bed in the end. The half an hour felt like two seconds and he’s aching to sleep the day away in his cocoon but this isn’t a bad way to wake up at all. He sips, waiting for the drowsiness to dissipate for a few minutes, and walks over to the table to pour some cereal and eat with Phil.

 

Phil tells him he’s going to apply to a couple small clinics.  _ It’s not the hospital, but it’s more daring than the shelters!  _ he says. Phil also doesn’t tell him his dreams today and Dan wonders if he forgot or if he just doesn’t want to share. He always seems to have vivid dreams so the thought excites Dan in a sort of fantasizing idealistic way, that Dan might have been in his dreams like Phil was probably in his. He has little flashes of his dream coming back to him, it feels almost like a memory of Phil has been added to his thoughts when he knows such a thing didn’t happen. He can’t materialize it in his mind completely, just flashes of the plants in Phil’s home and Phil up close, and Dan feels frustrated because he knows it’s only going to slip away more with time.

 

He only has three days of work left. Saturday and Sunday are without Jeremy and without stress, just perhaps some sadness for saying goodbye to Grace and Maxime. Monday is his last day before his notice goes into the system, the last day he will see Jeremy. And he wants to talk.

 

Saturday goes by quicker than normal, fortunately. He spends a lot of time in the back talking to Maxime and Grace who both have the day on. Belinda gets adopted and Dan can’t help himself from beaming at the nice couple taking her. Two women with cool androgynous styles, each so distinct and edgy in their own stylish way that Dan just wants to gawk at them. He texts Phil immediately about it.

 

He wishes he had a book but they’re all at Jeremy’s apartment and he lost his library card years ago. He eventually finds a download for  _ Fahrenheit 451 _ on his phone and reads it under his desk, kicking back and relaxing with his feet stretched out. No boss to yell at him today. He’s never known a time working without Jeremy here, they always had perfectly synchronized shifts but now he gets to see Maxime and Grace louder and happier than ever and he gets to do what he wants without looking over his shoulder.

 

He gets to Phil’s later and is instantly a bit shocked and nervous by other voices carrying through the house. Phil smiles, making room for Dan to come in but leaning close and whispering to him.

 

“Some friends and my brother are here. Don’t worry, they’re nice! I told them about you,” Phil says quickly, before turning around and announcing Dan’s name to the room. He wonders what exactly Phil told them about him and tries not to let the panic show on his face.

 

He quickly says “hello!” and salutes to the room, he’s not sure why that was his first instinct but at least he didn’t wink or something more cringe-worthy. Phil begins introducing everyone else and Dan can finally focus in on the figures sitting on the couch, the pull out bed now folded in.

 

“That’s my older brother, Martyn. I’m the handsome favourite of the family that was definitely more successful,” Phil says, his voice laced with amusement. Martyn just laughs and looks at Phil fondly. It’s definitely the man Dan saw in the picture. He’s definitely older than Phil with thin hair, tan skin, and slightly more masculine features.

 

“Then Cornelia, his girlfriend. She does music,” Phil says as if he doesn’t talk about her music all the time to Dan. Dan is really getting the hunch that Phil looks up to how cool she is and he isn’t surprised, she has fiery red hair in curls on top of her head and bright lipstick to match. She’s a woman that would get his attention for sure.

 

“And then my friends Jimmy and Bryony. Those two really suck at Tokaido today.” Dan is a bit taken aback by how pretty Phil’s friends are, even as they scoff at Phil. A pretty blonde woman with floral, layered clothes and a pretty guy with curly blond hair and a strong jaw. Dan isn’t sure why he didn’t expect Phil to have such cool looking friends. Intimidating almost, unlike Phil.

 

They’re all staring at him rather intensely, looking him up and down and smirking and he feels suddenly self-conscious.

 

“I need to put the chicken in so you can take my spot, Dan.” Phil points to the pillow on the floor that Phil must have been sitting on.

 

“No, I don’t even know how to play, I’ll just watch,” Dan explains. This is too much pressure and he feels suddenly too tired to interact.

 

“It’s easy! They’ll help you get used to it. You all need to be nice, I can hear you from the kitchen.” Phil raises his eyebrows in warning, still not looking intimidating in the slightest. He walks away and Dan settles down on the cushion, slouching over the coffee table.

 

Cornelia explains the game to him, or at least tries to, over quite insistent questions about his job and things from everyone else. He can hear Phil moving around in the kitchen and wishes he would come back out.

 

“How long have you been staying here?” Bryony eventually asks.

 

“Uh...a week or so? I don’t know. I should probably find someone else's couch to crash on for a while,” he jokes.

 

“Oh, you’re sleeping on the couch?” Jimmy asks, his lip curling in an amused way.

 

Dan stutters a bit but then just nods and tries his best to follow Cornelia’s instructions, picking up a card. He sees Cornelia shoot Jimmy a disapproving glare.

 

Phil is back in a few minutes, sitting on the floor next to Dan but not before smacking Jimmy on the arm.

 

“I can hear you, you know! You’re an ass,” Phil says, but still smiling. Jimmy just gives him a funny smile.

 

Attention seems to be off of Dan, at least for now, and Phil lets Dan watch him play so he can actually understand it a bit more. They talk about Attack on Titan returning and it’s a lot calmer, these people really aren’t all that intimidating, and he can actually talk about this.

 

He gets a hunch that Phil’s friends are queer. Bryony keeps rambling on about shipping Ymir and Historia and Jimmy does the same with Marco and Jean from the show. Dan hates that he feels a bit threatened, by Jimmy in particular, who is quite attractive and has an enthralling way of talking about things. Phil, in his confusion and hesitation over Dan, might just move on and save himself the heartbreak that he’s obviously scared of. If Phil has all these cool friends, what kept him from falling for any of them?

 

Dinner is ready after a long while and Dan sits back on the floor and listens to everyone else. Phil is animated and talkative, to the point where he seems to be forgetting to touch his food to talk about old stories instead. He seems horrendously excited by everyone around him and even the dogs are following his every movement, sitting just a few feet away with their mouths hanging open watching him (and the food).

 

It’s entrancing to watch. Phil is charming, especially when he’s around people he seems to be extremely comfortable with. He has a knack for storytelling and it’s endearing how he dramatically builds up to a joke or reveal, hands moving all around and eyes bright. Everyone is smiling at him and Dan isn’t at all surprised by how adored Phil seems to be.

 

Phil is eventually grabbing plates and Dan jumps up, grabbing a couple, too. Phil looks surprised but smiles at him and Dan helps him load the dishwasher, trying to ignore how the conversation stops for a few moments. He swears the voices are a bit hushed when they’re gone and he can’t make out the words. He frowns.

 

“Hey, sorry if they’re being weird. They’re way too invested in my life since I’m kind of private, it’s not you.” Phil looks very worried so Dan nods to show he understands.

 

“I just hope they like me, then.”

 

“Oh, they definitely do. Jimmy really likes you, I think, but he can be a bit teasing,” Phil says. Dan doesn’t really know what to think of that. "They just want to know if you're my boyfriend or something."

 

Phil says it so casually that all Dan can get out without embarrassing himself is, "oh."

 

They rinse off the dishes and pack them all in and Dan notices Thor in the kitchen watching them.

 

“Hey, I can take Bear and Thor out if you want to hang out with them," Dan says.

 

“No! It’s okay, I still want to go.”

 

“No, I really can, I need some fresh air.”

 

“We’ll both go then,” Phil says, closing the dishwasher and pouring kibble.

 

Phil walks back in the room and passes Dan his shoes.

 

“Now we’re off. Thor, the hammer-wielding God and his trusty sidekick, Bear, with three working legs have a mission. The mission is to go to the washroom and smell other dogs assholes.” Phil giggles at his own joke and Dan can’t keep a smile off his face. He rolls his eyes because he really shouldn’t find Phil’s stupid jokes funny.

 

He hears a mass of goodbyes and follows Phil out the door. The evening air is cool but the sky is clear for once, showcasing a lovely subtle gradient of pinks and oranges forming with the blue. The sun is directly in front of them blinding Dan’s eyes.

 

“They’re all really nice,” Dan says.

 

“Yeah? I’m glad you think so. They’re all I really hang out with.”

 

“Yeah. And don’t worry about Jimmy, I think he’s really cool.”

 

“Oh, you like him?”

 

“What? I mean, he’s nice. You two aren’t…” Dan waves his finger from side to side, already regretting this slipping out of his mouth.

 

“What? No, I said he was my friend.”

 

“Well, I wasn’t sure, if you guys are close and all.”

 

“He has a boyfriend. Just works night shifts sometimes so he doesn’t always make it.”

 

“Oh. Cool, cool.”

 

They walk a bit further, coming up to a woodsy area behind a child's playground. Phil hasn’t taken him this way before and Dan is surprised by a little path between two fences suddenly before them. Each fence goes on for about ten feet then changes at the next house, an almost endless stream of rickety wooden fences and wire gates down a long, cobbly path that is barely big enough for them side by side. Grass rips up between the cracks in the sidewalks and all the houses have large trees hanging over the fences that block in their view and makes it feel a bit like an old, overgrown archway. They walk past a little box on four legs and Dan reads  _ little library - take a book and leave a book!  _ Dan slows and Phil does too and he looks at the titles, some mystery novels and an old looking paperback of  _ Jane Eyre _ in the front. It feels like they stepped into a new little world, some fairytale where people really are nice enough to create a tiny library in the hidden path.

 

“I usually come here on my own in the morning when no one is up yet. I like to pretend I’ve gotten into something like Narnia ‘cause it’s such a cool, hidden path. It’s a bit freaky, it goes on for a long time with no way out. I wanted to show you,” Phil says as they begin to walk again. Dan wants to grab a book but he feels too bad to take one without leaving another. Like he’ll throw off the course of this place.

 

“I like it. Very mysterious. Like a different dimension.”

 

Phil jumps up on some cobbly rocks near the side of the path, balancing and walking across them. Dan watches a bit nervously as they rock beneath him.

 

“It's like you're walking in two worlds sometimes,” Dan mutters, his voice breathy.

 

“Huh?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

The path does go on for a long time, twisting through the old townhouses. The dogs sniff around a lot which only adds to the mystery of the hidden path in Dan’s mind. It makes them walk slow, swaying their shoulders and dodging around little light posts every once in a while.

 

“You said you’re kind of private to them but you all seem really close,” Dan says, leaving it open-ended as a question. Phil seems to think for a second.

 

“I guess. I mean, I am, they’re my best friends, but I do stick to myself a lot. I should probably ask them to hang more but I don’t really,” Phil says.

 

“Why don’t you? You have lots of free time now, too,” Dan says. Phil hesitates.

 

“I don’t know. I get tired and they have busy lives so I don’t want to bother them. They kind of sprung upon me today, though, that’s why I didn’t warn you.”

 

“Phil they seem to absolutely adore you, I don’t think you’d be a bother,” Dan laughs.

 

“I don’t know, I can get a bit...eccentric, I think. I never stop talking or I make them play games for hours when they probably want to go to a bar.” Phil laughs a bit awkwardly at that. “And, yeah, I like to be pretty private, I know they feel distant from me sometimes. I don’t even really have secrets, I don’t know how to explain it. I’m not really the best friend or brother or whatever.”

 

“I think you’re being hard on yourself. You do that a lot. You guys seem like such a close-knit bunch, I feel a bit jealous.”

 

“I don’t know. Like, I know I should be calling them up to hang and telling them when I’m sad but I just don’t. I sit and watch movies with my pets and tell myself I will next time. I don’t know why I do it, they come over and I realize I love them all so much.”

 

“I don’t know, Phil. You just gotta jump and do it.”

 

“It’s nice to have you around. I wasn’t lying, it’s easy to talk to you and having you stay at my place makes it easy to hang out every day. I don’t think I’m as much of an introvert as I’m just a nervous person.”

 

Dan grabs the back of Phil's jacket, unsure of why he does so, just holding it. It feels appropriate to grab him in some way and Dan finds it hard to resist. Then Phil turns a little, pulling him with him until they’re nearly out in a field again, out from the maze of a path and in the real world. He loosens his grip and Phil stops in his path, looking out. Dan can hear voices again, people out and about in the park, even though he swears he didn’t hear anything in the path.

 

He puts a hand on Phil's waist, up under his jean jacket where his skin is warm through his shirt.

 

“I’m scared once you’re gone, I’ll be lacking in effort again, or it won’t be the same,” Phil says.

 

Dan feels suddenly very sad about that. “I’ll harass you every day, then.” 

 

“You’d better.”

 

Phil begins walking again and Dan drops his hand. They get home soon and Phil’s friends don’t stay for much longer. 

 

Jimmy is funny, asking Dan to come sit between him and Phil on the couch and leaning into him as he looks at Phil teasingly every time. Dan shuffles closer to Phil so their thighs are touching and he realizes the motive. Dan remembers Phil talking about being private and wonders if he would tell his friends anything about them having feelings for one another. Otherwise, everyone is just assuming they do or liking how they look together and that isn’t a bad feeling either.

 

When they leave, he can hear Martyn telling Phil to call him more, very insistently. Everyone hugs Dan and he feels very domestic watching them leave next to Phil, standing in the doorway and waving.

 

Phil tells Dan he’s going to give him space today and goes off to his own room. It’s too late before Dan can get up the courage to tell Phil to stay. It’s probably Phil being nervous that Dan doesn’t want him there, if his behaviour is anything to go off of.

 

He doesn’t sleep horribly. He’s got happy after waves from the evening and isn’t feeling the intense dread or anxiety that he did before. He’s still prepared and ready for it to come hit him like a bus, nothing in his life has really been fixed yet, these are just easy distractions.

 

***

 

Sunday goes by fast, but almost too fast. He’s helping Maxime and Grace clean out the cages by holding pets and they all talk to the few customers that come and browse and it’s fun, genuinely fun. They’re basically three different generations but somehow they get along very well and Dan feels like he’s missed out by hiding at the front for so damn long. It’s bittersweet, and he’s not even particularly happy to leave.

 

He’s nervous now. He doesn’t even really want to talk to Phil and Phil seems to notice and goes to read comic books in his room. Dan feels guilty, he’s starting to get the hunch that Phil doesn’t seem very confident that the people who love him really do love him. It’s still too hard to go grab Phil when he wants to just curl up with his dread. There has been too much social interaction in his life, too, he misses this no-pressure, lazy alone time. 

 

Youtube videos play but he doesn’t really notice them, instead, he has fake conversations with Jeremy in his head and he can’t seem to stop them from coming. Some are really calm, the best result of tomorrow, really. In some Jeremy starts crying and is just as heartbroken as Dan but then Dan feels guilty for thinking it up. Some of them are whole fights with screaming and throwing things against the wall, where they really lose it and get out all their anger from the past few years. It’s kind of cathartic until fake-Jeremy begins telling Dan all the ways Dan has fucked up and he gets really sad. How does his own brain do this to him?

 

He sleeps early, somehow forces his eyes to stay shut until he drifts off into a rather restless sleep.

 

***

 

He’s at work too soon.

 

He skipped having coffee, he thought his nerves wouldn’t be able to handle it, but now he’s drowsy and not ready for any big talk. Phil’s voice barely infiltrated his brain, it seemed, he barely nodded at all of Phil’s dream stories and whatnot. This day is going to be exhausting, and the amount of sleep he got doesn’t seem to affect it. 

 

This was the decision he made, though, and he’s going to stick to it.

 

He let’s the first few hours pass by, he lets Jeremy get back from his lunch and then work for a little while after. He watches the clock until the hand hits the next hour. He knocks on Jeremy’s door, pushing in at the first grunt he hears.

 

“Yes?”

 

“I was wondering if I could come over tonight? Get some of my stuff and also we can talk.” It’s out of Dan’s mouth fast and rambling but he doesn’t stutter.

 

“Oh. Yeah. Talk about what, though?”

 

Dan shrugs but then makes an effort to look into Jeremy’s eyes and be serious and confident. “Anything you want to say to me. We need some closure.”

 

“Alright. That’s a good idea. I’ll meet you there when you’re done.” Jeremy's eyebrows are low and his mouth is in a permanent frown, matching his monotone voice. It might be an angry expression but it might be neutral and uncaring, too. Dan is more nervous knowing Jeremy isn't in a good mood.

 

He sits at his desk and watches the time go by. It’s tempting to grab a notebook and write out the stuff he wants to say to Jeremy but it’ll come out too rehearsed. He would rather let his emotions out and talk authentically.

 

It’s weird to walk out of the shelter for the last time and it’s weird to walk up to his old apartment for the last time. It feels like his whole life is ending and starting again. These places he got so comfortable in still feel a bit like home but the knowledge that they won’t for much longer looms over his head. He’s kind of drifting in the middle right now with no real home, on the edge of letting go and creating his new life.

 

Jeremy helps him unplug his PC and carry it to the front door. He throws the rest of his clothes into garbage bags and uses a few of their old moving boxes for other souvenirs, his video games, his DVD’s, the mugs he got as gifts, and a whole stack of books. He runs his fingers through the crisp, new pages excitedly.

 

It all barely fits in his car, filling up his trunk and the back seat so he can’t see out. He’ll need to pay back Phil sometime for using his house like a storage locker.

 

They walk back up and Dan rejects a glass of wine so he can drive but watches longingly as Jeremy drinks some, sitting back on the couch. This feels awfully sad.

 

“How have you been? Still at Phil’s?” Jeremy asks.

 

“Yeah. Just friends, I promise.”

 

“It doesn’t really matter, I have no possession over you.”

 

Dan pauses. He wants to be honest, just for this last time. “I’m not over you yet. I’m still a bit heartbroken and it wouldn’t feel fair to either you or Phil, even if I could fully move on.”

 

He knows it’s true as he says it. He misses the comfort of loving Jeremy, it’s ingrained deeply into his chest. Jeremy hangs his head.

 

“I’m glad you said that. I thought I was the only one struggling. I miss you still.”

 

“You’re not, I was crying on Grandma’s lap on Thursday.”

 

“I lashed out at Grace. I feel really guilty, I’ve just been feeling really angry all the time. I don’t know what to do with it, but I was trying to be petty. I just kept waiting for you to message me so I knew I wasn’t the only one.” Jeremy sounds croaky and desperate and Dan feels tears come to his eyes. He shakes his head.

 

“The reason I didn’t message you is because I tried to push you away as best I could. I wasn’t feeling  _ anything  _ for a while and I started to really regret it all. I wanted things back to normal.” He’s proper crying now but he doesn't hold it in.

 

Jeremy nods vigorously in agreement. “It was like everything was ripped apart. I imagined you moving on with Phil and being happy while I suffered for however long.”

 

Dan scoffs amusedly. “I felt the same. I’ve been feeling like a weak bitch.”

 

“And I’ve been blaming myself a lot. I’ve been too aggressive, I really think I have, and I don’t want to be that guy when things don’t go my way.”

 

“It was both of us. I was emotionally unfaithful and I know it changed everything. I also had no dreams or passion whatsoever and I was probably exhausting to deal with.”

 

“A little,” Jeremy nods. “I still want you to do better. Like how you were passionate back in university.”

 

“I want to see  _ you _ as driven as  _ you  _ were in university.”

 

“Well, silver lining, I guess? I have been putting a lot of my anger into work. I ripped apart the director. I thought I was going to get fired but he finally agreed to some of my changes I was asking for. Some of the budget is going to advertising the shelter, some billboards in real popular spots out in the suburbs, I really think more customers will come now.”

 

Dan lurches forward and hugs him, surprised by how familiar and bittersweet his shoulders feel to wrap around. He pulls back after a moment and looks at him, arms still up around his neck.

 

“That’s great. Those animals are going to get homes soon, I know it! And I want to do better too. I might go back to school.”

 

“You should. You’re smart as fuck, don’t waste it. I’m proud, I really am.”

 

Dan smiles at Jeremy. An instant later, Jeremy’s lips are on his. Strong, familiar hands are on his jaw holding him there and slight roughness scratches his chin. He tells himself to relax and his lips fit easily between Jeremy’s, kissing back hard.

 

Jeremy is gone in another second, breathing hard.

 

“Just one more. You got a nice mouth, you fucker, I’ll miss it.”

 

“Shut up.” Dan pushes him away at the innuendo. He’s glad for it, though. It feels fitting. He falls back a foot away on the couch, sitting cross-legged and looking around at the room.

 

“Can I still message you on holidays and stuff? We can keep up like bitter old pals?”

 

Dan nods. “Yeah, I don’t think I can let you go completely. Not after everything.”

 

“No. It’s been an interesting few years, huh?”

 

“It has. A lot of mental breakdowns from me.”

 

“Cheers to this last one.” Jeremy holds up his wine glass. He’s smiling but his eyes are glassy.

 

Jeremy walks him to the door not long after. Dan looks around at the plain hallway like it’s something special. It is, in some way, he was here for a good few years. His chest aches with it and he thinks it will continue to ache for a long while. Maybe forever, just like the way he looks back at his family home with conflicting emotions and a strange longing. It’s just another phase of his life. This goodbye didn't feel long enough but he thinks it's the best closure he can hope for.

 

He goes home to Phil.


	15. Chapter 15

The nerves are absolutely radiating from Phil. His hands tremble a little when he holds up his coffee cup and his eyes are wide and frantic. Bear hasn’t left his lap all morning. Or night, Dan expects. For once, Dan slept alone on the pull out couch while Phil probably cuddled Bear all night long. Dan hugged a pillow in place, trying not to be grouchy about the arrangement. Phil is too stubborn.

 

Bear is getting surgery today. If Dan didn’t know any better, observing Phil’s anxiety, he would think Phil was getting his own arm amputated.

 

Dan is trying to help out. He takes Thor for a walk while Phil just plays with Bear in the backyard because he can’t eat or drink before surgery and Phil is worried he’ll be too weak for the strenuous activity.

 

Dan walks to the little path that Phil took him. It takes a while to find, walking through the wrong trees until he starts to think it never existed at all. He wouldn’t be surprised, it was probably too good to be real. He stumbles across it eventually by following the fence and walks up to the little library. He slots in  _ Nausea  _ by Sartre. He loved it, in a lot of ways, for all the depressing themes he should be relating to. It’s just not what he wants to think about right now. He likes the thought of passing it off to someone else.

 

He picks up a random book, one with a background of a beautiful starry sky with leaves falling down the sides, but he doesn’t read the description. It’ll be an adventure.

 

He walks into Phil’s house like it’s his own home and stares fondly at Phil and Bear on the pull out bed. Phil is on his back with Bear flopped on his chest.

 

“You guys get the award for cutest in the world,” Dan says, unclipping Thor and watching him jump on the bed with them. Phil pouts at him dramatically, hugging Bear, and Dan thinks he’s trying to rub it in.

 

“He’s not going to die, Phil.” Dan gives him an exasperated look and sits on the bed.

 

“Complications can happen.”

 

“Like what? It’s leg surgery, not heart surgery.”

 

“Infections, osteomyelitis, tissue necrosis….”

 

“Okay, stop, don’t dwell on it. He’s going to be fine, he’s an angel sent from heaven that will never die. C’mon, we need to go.”

 

“You don’t even believe in heaven,” Phil says, sitting up with the dog.

 

“I believe in heaven for dogs because they’re the only ones that deserve it.”

 

“Alright.”

  
They walk out to the car. Phil has gotten better at holding Bear without jostling his bad arm, wrapped all the way up in a blue bandage, but Bear is getting longer and heavier. Before they know it, he’s going to be a giant Great Dane and will need to walk on his own.

 

“He’s getting big. You should stop putting him on your lap before you get crushed one day,” Dan says. The dog looks around rather frantically in the car, refusing to lay down.

 

“I don’t even care. Aw, I think I’m stressing him out! It’s okay, Bear, this will all go well.”

 

Dan has one hand on Bear’s head as he drives, scratching behind his ears. He’s scared, too, if he’s honest with himself. If they lost this dog or saw him in extreme pain they would surely never recover. It’s still easier to be the calm, rational friend when Phil is freaking out. Some maternal instincts are coming out of him, he supposes, and he really worries for Phil right now.

 

They pull up to the hospital soon and it’s a daunting place. Phil walks up to the counter, sounding rather formal now.

 

“This one has an appointment. Under Philip Lester. The scapulothoracic disarticulation.”

 

“Yes, let me walk you to the room.”

 

Phil follows a nice lady down the hall and Dan is on his heels. It smells a bit like any other hospital. It feels just as sad, too, except there are more posters of cute animals across the walls that brighten it up.

 

“You and your partner can just keep him calm until the vet comes.” Phil just smiles and nods as she leaves the room. Dan smiles extra wide at her.

 

As soon as she’s out of sight, Phil’s smile disappears and he breathes deeply, clutching onto the table where Bear is. He begins carefully peeling back the bandage on his arm, holding Bear delicately.

 

“Hey, pup, it’s all going to be fine,” Dan says, moving closer to scratch around Bears neck. The most comforting thing for Phil is probably to comfort Bear. The dog pants heavily and Dan worries he must be thirsty.

 

The doctor is in the room quickly. For once, Dan wishes that hospital staff were slower so they had more time to say goodbye. The lady is in full hospital garment with a mask around her mouth and a young man following in behind. Phil starts rambling while Dan begins edging to the door.

 

“Hello! This is Bear. I was wondering if you were giving Lidocaine afterwards? And can you also give a Fentanyl patch?” Phil still has a protective hand petting Bear’s hide.

 

“Yes we do administer that,” she says kindly.

 

“Incision at the scapula, right? No lower?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Alright. I trust you fully, I just wanted to check!”

 

“You did your research, huh?”

 

“Uh, yeah,” he says.

 

“Don’t you worry, things will be fine. We’ll talk about aftercare once it’s complete. If you wait in front it should be about 45 minutes to an hour.”

 

Phil finally nods, taking a long look at the dog and his bent little arm with raw skin that never grew hair back. He runs a light finger over the skin, then pets Bear’s chin. Dan gulps, feeling more worry crawl under his skin.

 

“Don’t you worry, I’ll be back soon,” Phil says to Bear. The veterinarian holds the dog around the back while Phil begins walking out and they hear barks and scuffling.

 

“Oh, God.” Phil puts his head in his hands, walking quickly without looking back. Dan skips to keep up until they collapse in the waiting room chairs. Phil sits still, face still covered, and Dan watches him, fidgeting around and wondering what to do. An awkward hand rests on Phil’s back until Phil finally sits up.

 

“God. I shouldn’t be so scared. I looked up the vet, she’s  _ really  _ qualified and there’s probably nothing to worry about.”

 

“Yeah. Lots of dogs get amputations, don’t they?”

 

“Yeah. Sometimes it’s less complicated than fixing their fractures, you know!” He says, matter-of-factly.

  
“Huh.”

 

“It’s not just that, though. I’m wondering if it was the right decision. He’s been in pain, like, all his life. He could have phantom pain afterwards that lasts forever and we’ll never know. We don’t know if it happens in pets!”

 

“He’s already a happy dog, Phil. Wouldn’t you be able to tell, just a little bit?” Dan asks.

 

“I guess. Dogs still hide their pain  _ really  _ well.”

 

“Phil. That dog's tail never stops wagging and he never stops hobbling around. You also spoil him, he’s a lucky puppy.”

 

Phil smiles at him like he’s a bit unsure still, with his eyes wide and a bit shiny.

 

They sit still for a few more minutes until Phil starts talking again.

 

“You know, when I was in college I had work experience as a vet? It was the first time I really got into the vet thing.”

 

“Yeah? You knew your dreams that early on?”

 

“I mean, I love animals so I guess. It went horribly, though.”

  
  
Dan laughs. “Really?”

 

“Yeah. I was watching a dog get his jaw removed and I fainted! Full on fell down on the floor, super sick and dizzy.”

 

Dan laughs a bit loudly, not sure if it’s an appropriate reaction.

 

“I nearly gave up. I was like hell no, this isn’t for me and I applied to the English Language program, but I  _ also _ got into the vet program and I was like...what the hell. I got used to it eventually after I felt I was helping the pets more.”

 

“See, Phil? Gotta trust.”   
  


Phil nods. “Yeah. You’re right.”

 

It’s a long time to wait, playing apps on their phones and scrolling through Twitter, with Phil’s knee shaking incessantly next to Dan’s. The vet comes out with a clipboard and Phil jumps up in an instant.

 

“Hello. Yes, everything went good,” she says instantly, so Phil beams at her.

 

“These are the pain meds you can buy at the front desk for him. I also suggest, if it’s possible, that you get rugs for any slippery floors and block off stairs. Stay inside for at least a day and use some pee pads. No long walks for four weeks, just little ones. Harnesses are better than leashes for their balance and use a cone until we get the stitches out.”

 

Phil nods along eagerly. “Yes, I have everything.”

 

“Good. Now, since he’s so young, I’m going to keep him here for a night. It’s pretty standard, really, just need to make sure there are no complications.”

 

Phil frowns but nods. “Tomorrow, then?”

 

“Yes. I’ll call in the morning.” 

 

“Or if anything goes wrong?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Dan waits for Phil to talk to the lady at the front and then they leave. 

 

Phil is surprisingly quiet. Usually, he comes up with stories to tell in the car while Dan sits back, but today the silence is overbearing. Dan turns into the same taco place they were at the other day but Phil isn’t very enthusiastic. He jokes about Phil going crazy for not being happy about food of all things, but Phil barely reacts. Dan supposes his head must be too loud right now. He knows the feeling.

 

In fact, he sees Phil sneak some of his tacos to Thor when they’re home. Then, Thor gets let outside and he somehow finds Buffy behind a curtain and picks her up. Dan is surprised such a squeamish cat is calm in Phil’s arms.

 

“Buffy is my oldest,” he says, as though he’s talking about his children. “I had her at university and everything. She’s a good comfort. Just like the real Buffy Summers.”

 

“I hope you know that Buffy the Vampire Slayer is fictional.”

 

Phil shakes his head, burying his face in the fur. The cat has bright orange fur with faded stripes of white. She rubs her nose against his cheek and Dan holds in a coo.

 

“She needs her space but she’s nice when I’m sad. Cats are always nicer than you think.” He sets her down and she rubs against his jeans once, leaving a trail of cat fur for sure, then saunters back to the window with her tail twitching.

 

Phil sits on the bed and puts out grabby hands towards Dan. He stands there, hesitating at the instructions.

 

“Come sit?” Phil asks. 

 

Dan walks around the other side of the bed, climbing on and leaning against the back. Phil is watching him intently before he scoots closer and slots his head between Dan’s jaw and his shoulder. A hand rests on Dan’s stomach, where he knows a bit more fat rolls up than the rest of his body, and Phil snakes his arm further around.

 

He sits up quickly, to look at Dan. “Okay?”

 

“Yeah, okay, c’mere.” Dan is a bit wide-eyed and confused.

 

Phil puts his head back and stretches out his legs. The way he turns his shoulders in makes them feel a lot closer than they are, like Phil is everywhere.

 

“I feel a bit needy. We’re close enough by now, aren’t we?” Phil’s voice is light. It feels a bit like an inside joke, their strange relationship, and Dan really likes that feeling.

 

“Yeah, I think so.”

 

“I really can’t relax without anyone close by, and it really helps when I’m scared. I don’t know what I’d do without the dogs.”

 

“I need to hug a pillow when I’m alone,” Dan says, thinking about last night. He always had Jeremy before, but he got sick of overheating and having no space, so he’s surprised he feels so attached to this closeness now.

  
“Mm.”

 

“What are you scared of?” Dan asks, shifting to shove his arm fully behind Phil. It’s a bit awkward and forceful but Phil fits better on him, pressing into Dan’s side. 

 

This change of pace is quite drastic but Phil is acting like it’s nothing. Dan fiddles with his shirt, scratching at Phil’s side a bit.

 

“Making all the wrong decisions,” he says after a moment.

 

“About Bear?” 

 

Phil shrugs.

 

“About lots of things, perhaps?”

 

Phil nods. “Do you ever wish your parents still made all your decisions for you? It was a good time being a kid.”

 

Dan chuckles. “Yeah, I suppose.”

 

“My mum used to make all my phone calls for me. I miss that.” 

 

Dan just laughs.

 

“I think Bear will be alright, but there’s this nagging part of me saying that I’m hurting him more and that he never asked for this life and it’s for my own selfish reasons that I’m fixing him up. Or that I should think more about the complications that might happen. But what else do I do? Put him down? He doesn’t deserve that.”

 

“I think you’re doing the right thing. I think you know you are, too, so listen to that part,” Dan says.

 

“Who’s to say I should be trusted in all my decision making. I might make all the wrong decisions.” Phil pulls back a bit to look at Dan, except he doesn’t look in his eyes, rather he’s very clearly staring down at his lips.

 

He finally flicks his eyes back up but Dan knows he already has a dumbfounded look on his face.

 

“I mean,” Dan clears his throat. “Maybe.”

 

“What do you think is the right decision?”

 

“Hm?” Dan asks. “About Bear?” He asks, knowing it’s an idiotic question as soon as it leaves his lips. Phil smirks at him.

 

“Do you fancy me, Dan?”

 

The question surprises him for a moment but he feels no shame.

 

“Is it that obvious?” He asks, smiling amusedly. He’s probably more obvious than he realizes himself. He can never hide his expressions.

 

“I do doubt it sometimes. You’ve always acted this way towards me, a bit flirty.”

 

“Well, I fancied you pretty instantly.”

 

“Well, how am I supposed to know? You’ve had a boyfriend for most of the time I’ve known you. You could have gone for  _ anyone.  _ And how do I know you don’t have, like, duckling syndrome?”

 

“What’s duckling syndrome?” Dan furrows his eyebrows but a smile has found its way on his face. It’s exciting to talk about this. He’s been very badly holding everything in.

 

“Like, the first thing a duckling sees they think is their mother. But basically, latching onto the next thing you see. It happens in animals sometimes.”

 

Dan frowns suddenly, feeling some air huff out of his chest. “Well am I a bloody duck?”

 

“You know what I mean!”

 

“No, that’s rude to say. You think I just want a boyfriend for the sake of it and just looked for my next victim?”

 

“No! I mean maybe I was just comforting, or maybe I was the other guy you saw all the time at work, and that’s where you angled your thoughts,” Phil looks nervous and Dan thinks the frustration on his face must be obvious. He pulls back a bit, but keeps a hand on Phil’s shirt.

 

“Why can’t you just trust me that I know my feelings? And I’m not asking you out right now, I do want to get over Jeremy and have some independence first. I thought that was clear.” Dan is firm in his words but his voice is going high-pitched now that he’s a bit upset.

 

“No...no, you’re right,” Phil says, but he’s clearly hesitant.

 

“You don’t believe me.”

 

“I do, most days. I just worry.” He’s looking across the room now.

 

Dan puts his hands on Phil’s cheeks, looking into his eyes, and shaking his head just slightly to enunciate his words.

 

“I know my feelings. And they’re not going to change. I didn’t even get over you when we stopped talking at work, for God’s sake. I’m going to figure out my life and see when I feel ready to love you fully and all I want is for you to wait for me and believe me.”

 

Phil looks a bit surprised, his forehead is creasing and Dan has the urge to smooth out his brow.

 

“You worry about everything,” Dan adds on.

 

“I know, it’s bad. I worry about you lots.”

 

“I like you for it, I think.”

 

Phil gives a small smile and leans back to Dan’s shoulder and his hair tickles Dan’s neck. It’s hard not to flinch but then he just puts an arm around Phil again.

 

“I’m sorry to doubt you. I know you’re being honest, I just have some insecurities to get over," Phil mutters.

 

Dan nods against his head.

 

“So, we’re waiting and we probably shouldn’t, like, sleep together. But is this okay?” Phil asks.

 

“Yeah, I’d say so.”

 

“Good, I like this.”

 

“How on earth are you not dating someone?” Dan asks, suddenly curious.

 

“I go on dates and whatever sometimes. It just never felt right.”

 

“But you fancy  _ me _ ?”

 

“Quite a nasty crush,” Phil says. “I knew I was screwed the first time I saw you, work was a real issue. That’s why my friends were so suspicious of you. The mysterious coworker I got all excited about nearly two years ago for what felt like the first time ever.”

 

Dan feels quite special by that. He just barely resists the urge to pull Phil closer and closer.

 

***

 

By the nighttime, it’s quite difficult.

 

They don’t do much all day except fun, relaxing stuff to get Bear off their minds, though Phil’s phone is on full volume right next to them. A call from his mum really sparked a panic. Otherwise, they play video games with their legs crossed over each other. They watch some shows and lean into each other. Dan finds out that he really likes playing with Phil’s hands, looking at how long and slender they are, somehow perfectly manicured. When they’re waiting for food to cook, Dan sits at the kitchen table and Phil plops down sideways on his lap and he realizes they really do feel like a couple. 

 

“Hello,” Phil says, smiling down at him and wrapping an arm around Dan’s neck.

 

“Well, hello.”

 

Everything already feels horribly domestic and affectionate. He finds it hard to stop, and he finds it hard not to just take it a step farther, too.

 

It’s a bit awkward. Hesitant, fumbling limbs until one of them relaxes and then they both relax in the proximity. Phil seems more adept at physical affection and it makes Dan want to reach out more.

 

Dan rests a hand on Phil’s thigh, pushing boundaries. It’s hard not to be self indulgent, to suck up a feeling of love and commitment and attraction.

 

Guilt also settles into his gut and ruins the lovely feeling just a little bit. He thinks about how Jeremy felt so hurt when he thought Dan moved on so fast. It’s not true, either, he can find that attraction and that fondness for Jeremy easily. He still wakes up with a weird feeling of unfamiliarity every morning, a dull ache to be back where he felt like he belonged.

 

He will give himself tonight to enjoy this, though. Because Phil is sad and because it’s nice to have this fun. It’s nice to see Phil giggling rather than stressing. When Phil stands up to open the oven at a ding, it’s still hard to feel the loss despite the ache in his thighs. It’ll be hard to have a touch of this life and then be platonic and wait, but it will be better in the end.

 

He remembers what his grandma says. To enjoy falling for Phil and enjoy each step. It’s feeling more and more like a sure thing and it easily makes him bubble up with happiness to think about.

 

He curls up on Phil’s chest at night, not sure why they keep ending up on this uncomfortable mattress in the middle of the lounge.

 

Phil whispers about how he hopes Bear is okay. Dan can see the shine of his tears ever so slightly in the dark. They talk about how he’s probably not sedated anymore but in a cage on intense pain medication all alone. It hurts Dan’s chest to think about.

 

“It feels like your dog, too, Dan. We both fell in love with him when he came in,” Phil says.

 

“What do you think happened to him?”

 

“I don’t know. But let’s give him the best life ever. Endless love.”

 

Dan nods vigorously against his chest, holding tight. Tight enough to ward off the sadness. Phil is comforting, he’s broad and a bit pudgy in the best way. He has gentle hands and he smells nice, a bit like the mint of his toothpaste with his fruity shower gel. It feels nicer to be close, struggling with the same things, than alone with an anxious mind.

 

They sleep eventually, whispering reassurances back and forth.

 

***

 

They’re up early. If the hospital calls first thing in the morning, Phil says he needs to be up for it.

 

They moved apart sometime in the middle of the night but Phil moves closer now, exclaiming about how warm Dan’s skin is as he lays on his chest. Dan doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to this affection. If Phil hadn’t been here, he thinks he would have assumed the entire last day was a dream. He still turns his head away, worried for his morning breath, until Thor finally paws at them enough to get up.

 

The call comes while they’re both walking down the sidewalk with Thor and sweatpants on. Even Thor looks back, confused, at Phil’s overly loud and slightly panicked “hello!”

 

“Yes, this is him,” he says. There’s a long pause before he says, “okay! I will be there very soon.”

 

They walk across the street and back towards the house to “give Thor an impression of a full looped walk”. They’re in the car quickly, leaving Thor peeking out the front window with a sad face. Dan tries to remember to spoil Thor when they’re back, too.

 

They practically run into the hospital, trying to conceal their heavy breathing from the exertion.

 

They’re escorted to Bear and the sight is a bit hard to look at. A large white bandage is on his shoulder, discoloured with a dark red in the centre, where it very much looks like something is missing and off. The chest too smooth, body too unbalanced without a leg. It makes Dan double take, but Phil is crouching down immediately.

 

“Hey, little Bear. Time to go home? You’re okay, c’mon,” Phil coos.

 

His tail is wagging as he tries to sit up. The doctor explains that it will be hard for him to even hold himself up as he lays down. Phil clips off the cone and lifts the dog up ever so gently. Dan lurches forward supporting his back legs even if it’s not necessary. A whine comes out of Bear’s mouth and his eyes dart around.

 

They move slowly now, walking in calm steps not to jostle. Phil sits in the back and they spend a long minute trying to jump in gently, not to rub against the stitches. Dan is suddenly scared to drive, if he turns too fast, Bear might lose his balance and rip the stitches.

 

They get home without an incident, not that Dan has ever even crashed in his life. It’s another struggle to carry him into the house and set him gently in the center of the pull out bed. Thor is overly excited so Dan holds him back.

 

“If you weren’t here, I’d be struggling so much,” Phil says, grabbing Dan’s hand for a second to squeeze. He grabs a water dish and a bowl full of food to give Bear, who doesn’t show much interest. He takes a few treats, though, and Dan already knows he’s going to be spoiled.

 

Phil grabs an old t-shirt, one with a space pattern that he says is too small. He cuts the neck just a little bit and pulls it over bear’s head, putting his one arm through and then taping down the rest with old bandages and medical tape so it fits over Bear’s body. This is comfier than a cone, Phil says. It looks rather adorable, too, the puppy all bundled up in a cozy cotton t-shirt.

 

“He’ll be okay,” Phil says, and Dan wonders if it’s for Dan or himself.

 

“Definitely, he’s very calm,” Dan says, wondering if it’s just the pain medicine. He’s grateful for it anyway.

 

Phil crawls on the bed and rubs Bear’s head, cooing and smiling. Dan crawls on behind him and hugs Phil around the waist, holding tight. He puts his head on Phil’s shoulder, nose at his neck and feels Phil shiver slightly. He breathes in the now familiar scent. It's a bit surreal that he can do this now.

 

They sit for a while, and when Thor calms down, he gets let up as well. Bear is asleep soon and Phil leans back so Dan is supporting him. He closes his eyes, too, looking a lot calmer.

 

“I’m so glad he’s okay,” Dan says. “I think he’s lucky to have you during recovery. Believe in your skills.”

 

“I will. He’s going to think he’s at a spa the next few weeks.”

 

“Hey, Phil?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I’m glad we’re close. I’m glad I feel so connected to you.”

 

Phil scoots up on his bum just to look back at Dan and smile.

 

“You are comforting and I love your pets, especially Bear, and even your damn plants and I love being here, even though this is a shitty mattress. I’m going to pay you back for the food and rent I took—”

 

“No, nuh uh, are you crazy?”

 

“Fine, well one day I’ll make you a bunch of food from my place to make up for it.”

 

“Okay, I’ll take that,” Phil says smiling, but he pauses for a moment and his smile falters. He turns towards Dan more and he must know what’s coming now.

 

“Yeah, I’m going to move out. I reckon it’ll take a while to find a place so I can help with Bear for the worst days, and honestly, I’ll be back lots to help. Whenever you need. I’ll be back for you lots, for Mario Kart tournaments and good food and cuddles and whatever,” Dan says.

 

Phil nods, a little sadly. “You know it’s not something I expect of you right now, right?”

 

“Yeah. I know.”

 

“I guess it’ll be good. We’d be crazy to move in together for real.”

 

“Yeah. Honestly, I’m so tempted to mooch off of you but if I’m staying in bed with you all the time, we’re not going to take things as slow as we need.” Dan laughs a little, staring around Phil’s face.

 

“Yeah. I feel that.”

 

“I need to be independent, too. Just for a bit, so I know I can. I'm also going to apply to school. I think.”

 

“You should, Dan. I’ll miss you, though.”

 

“Fuck. Me too.” Dan pouts a little.

 

“I want to kiss you.” Phil is staring in his eyes and it feels unbelievably intimate just to do this. To see the honesty and desire.

 

“Not yet. We’ll take it slow, enjoy this thing,” Dan says, thinking about his grandma. He’s excited saying it. It’s lovely to have a crush, let alone a requited one, how could he have forgotten?

 

“Yeah, Dan, of course.”

 

“Just wait for me,” Dan says.

 

“I will, however long. Even if I need reassurances sometimes. I might be annoying.”

 

“You are annoying,” Dan confirms, laughing and squeezing his cheek. Phil laughs, his face lit up completely.

 

They’re in bed all day. The unemployment is looming over the both of them but for now, after so much stress, it’s time to take things slow for a bit. Settle back for the day and hug in bed, giving Bear his medication and all the love they can offer.

 

Things feel alright right now.


	16. Saved by a Waif

It is Friday the 31st of August.

 

He has just walked back up to his little apartment, a stack of brochures and papers in his arms. Clubs and events and maps because he doesn’t know if he can still remember his way around the University of Manchester. At least not the places that don’t have law classes.

 

He left orientation a bit early, wandered around and found his classes, then left. Everyone seemed nice, even if he stood out a bit as a twenty-seven-year-old first year. There are just other reasons for him to be restless today.

 

His apartment still isn’t all that nice. After all of his priority belongings got set up, essentially just his computer, bed, and cooking stuff, he began slacking off. He still promises himself that soon this will be like a real home. He’s going to hang up posters on the scratched up walls and he’s going to buy nice sheets and he’s going to get at least one plant, maybe an easy little cactus. It’ll never change how drastically small this place is but it’s nice to have solitude to rest and think. He needs it because other days he’s going to socialize, he’s going to join a debate club and he’s going to be at Phil’s, probably a lot.

 

The job he landed is letting him cut down his hours to a couple shifts a week. It’s going to help drastically while his savings and the bit of help from his grandma dwindle down. It’s a cashier position at the Booker Wholesale close by. It’s not so bad, he keeps busy, and sometimes when it’s nearing close and the store empties out, he can read a paperback under the desk. This is what consumes his breaks, too, whizzing through Michel Foucault’s texts until he actually feels like he’s widening his ideas. School still might kick his ass but he thinks he’s happier doing it anyway.

 

He glances at his phone again, checking the time. It’s early afternoon, and he knows Phil is probably on his break but his nerves are making him put this off. He drops the phone, puts up a Guild Wars poster with sticky tack and then grabs his phone again. It has to be done.

 

Phil answers after four rings without a greeting, just “Bear can get up on the couch now! He’s getting so big and graceful!”

 

“I don’t know if that one will ever be graceful, but that’s good!”

 

“He was definitely young enough to adapt.”

 

“Of course he was, Phil. Hey, are you still good to hang out?”

 

“Yeah, ‘course.”

 

“I was wondering if we could have a bit of a change of plans?” Dan bites his lip. He can imagine Phil’s confused gaze already, fitting perfectly into the moment of silence after Dan’s question.

 

“Oh, what do you wanna do?”

 

He takes a deep breath. Even if Phil says no, or not yet, it’s not the end of the world. He just has to remember that.

 

“Can I take you out for dinner? A dinner date, I mean. I want to take you out on a date. If you would.” Dan is proud of his calm tone, though it wasn’t the most eloquent thing he could have said.

 

There’s more silence and he freezes, waiting.

 

“Oh!” Phil clears his throat. “Sure, yes, we can do that, Dan.”

 

“Not too soon or anything?”

  
  
“I guess we’ll see,” Phil says. Dan swears he can hear the smile through the phone, a slight twang of joy or amusement signalling the curve of his upper lip against his teeth. It hasn’t been long since they became close friends but if he was asked, he could draw out all of Phil’s emotions as if they are his own. Every twitch of his lips and widening of his eyes ingrained in his brain.

 

Someone else would describe him as smitten, probably. Maybe everyone else was waiting for his over-exuberant crush to decrease as his heartbreak heals but it is quite the opposite. It’s stealing all the hugs he can, staying up late into the night just to hear Phil’s voice after his late shifts, saving the pictures from his Instagram and finding any time possible to hang out. He doesn’t hide it either, rather he teases Phil with the overindulgences, all the while Phil slowly stops declaring that Dan will get over it. Dan doesn’t see that happening. He sees it falling down the same rabbit hole it is now, a relationship he’s slowly getting more and more passionate about.

  
But, they are friends. Platonic, with not even a kiss between them yet. They’re close otherwise, he sits on the couch with his fingers in Phil’s hair and his legs across his lap and they must look like a relationship already. Nonetheless, it was a promise he was determined to keep. Take the time to move on from Jeremy, stand back and look at things, find some independence and enjoy the feeling of falling for someone.

 

“Yes, we will see. We can still go slow, I just...I really want to take you on a date.”

 

“Yeah, I want that, too.” Phil’s voice is chirpy like he’s on the edge of a laugh while he speaks.

 

“I’ll be over around 5:30.”

 

“Give me more time, I want to shower.”

 

“Okay, fine.”

 

They hang up quickly, Phil needs to get back to work. Dan jumps up to begin unpacking immediately, trying to shake some of the nerves off.

 

It’s been a long time. A long time of barely being able to break apart for Dan to go home to sleep in his own apartment. A long time of pillows over their crotches and sneaky glances. Lots of teasing each other and only dancing around the ideas they have so they continue to wait. Phil is patient but some days Dan thinks he could lean in at any second and Phil would gladly accept him.

 

It’s just that things aren’t fully healed by now, that’s the confusing part. Dan still calls his grandma a lot and wakes up devastated some days, not knowing how he’ll make it into his part-time job. He and Jeremy talk a couple times and it leaves him with an ache in his chest and a bit of guilt.

 

He doesn’t think he’ll ever be sure in his decisions but he’s sure enough by now. More days of excitement and happiness and longing than not.

 

He showers for a long time, using too much shower gel so he smells nice. He shaves after, smoothing out the previous patches of stubble.

 

He puts on a long black and white plaid shirt all done up over dark jeans. It gives the impression of being a bit fancy without really being, he thinks. Besides, Phil wouldn’t want to go to a high-end place anyway.

 

His nerves are high during the day but not in a particularly bad way. It takes a few double takes to remind himself that this is Phil, and even though he hasn’t been on a first date in years, this isn’t like any old first date. It doesn’t even really feel like a first date, it feels like a long overdue transition.

 

There’s still a few hours left until they can see each other and yet he’s sitting here ready to go, the curls in his hair as sorted out as they can ever be.

 

He reads but his mind keeps wandering every few pages. It’s not the usual focus he can manage, delving his entire thought process into the words across the page and scrambling for his laptop to jot down a few things. He can usually read through entire Wikipedia articles for some background in just a few minutes but now he keeps skimming his eyes without taking any words in. Too much else on his mind.

 

It’s still too early to leave when he gets out of the apartment. He goes to a florist first, trying to think about what will look nice between the cacti, ferns and succulents by the lounge window. His cheeks are burning as he reads the little cards. Roses mean love and Tulips mean a declaration of love. It seems too intense. Knowing Phil, he just might know these little facts like it’s some fun trivia. Some other pretty pink flowers say they mean “friendship” and that’s a bit funny, to think they’ve even been just friends for this last little while. In the end, the lilies are the prettiest and they mean majesty which doesn’t really mean anything for them so he takes them to the front and gets them wrapped in a nice blue paper. He can’t believe he’s been overthinking flowers so much for the last few minutes, or that he’s blushing so much as he pays for them.

 

Phil still hasn’t texted that he’s ready yet. Dan wasn’t even supposed to be leaving yet, but he goes to his house anyway. He calls as soon as he parks and gets an answer.

 

“Hello? I’m not ready yet.”

 

“Well, I was impatient. Let me in?”

 

“You’re here? I just got out of the shower!”

 

Dan smiles. “Get a towel then! I’m walking up to the house now.”

 

“Fine, oh God.”

 

A few different images are in his mind walking up but not necessarily three towels draped around Phil. There isn’t much skin showing and Dan is suddenly confused as to why Phil would be this shy in front of him.

 

“I can’t believe you would—oh! Flowers!” Phil exclaims, looking Dan up and down as he cradles the bouquet.

 

“Why did you put on three towels?”

 

“I always use three towels. Maximum absorbance. Oh my gosh, you look so good and I’m a mess. Don’t you dare follow me while I get ready. I can't believe you got flowers, oh gosh,” Phil looks flustered and he all but runs off while Dan laughs fondly. He feels a bit disappointed that he can’t look at the dripping, messy hair or red cheeks anymore. He barely notices the dogs around his feet.

 

He just goes to the kitchen, finding a vase among a lot of other gardening stuff in a little cupboard. He cuts off the stems and spends a few minutes arranging them until it’s the perfect symmetry of colours and shapes. He sets them near the front, moving a few pots out of the way and turns it around until it looks aesthetically pleasing.

 

Phil takes a long time to get ready, Dan is tempted to go bother him but he waits instead, scrolling on his phone and lounging on the couch, the corgi on his thigh. When he finally does reappear, clad in a nice navy button up with patterned, white dots, he instantly goes to the flowers and picks them up to smell.

 

“These are so nice,” Phil says. Dan cringes at how he ruins the symmetric arrangement but stays silent. Phil looks surprised and won't take his eyes off of the lilies.

 

“You look really nice,” Dan says. Phil looks down at himself then up at Dan, smiling.

 

Dan pushes himself up and hugs Phil around the waist. Phil always hugs back tight and full, bending his head over Dan’s shoulder to make him feel encapsulated. When he pulls back he fiddles with Phil’s quiff for a minute until Phil slaps at his hand, running his fingers up to fix it.

 

“Hey, this takes a lot of fancy sea spray to look nice.”

 

“It always looks nice,” Dan says. “Do you want to go now?”

 

“Yeah, let me feed the pets first just in case.”

 

A new sushi place opened near his work, one that he’s sure Phil has never heard of but looks absolutely decadent and horrendously tempting to Dan everytime he drives by. They walk in with Phil gushing about how much he’s been craving sushi. They watch the aquariums along the wall and look through some of the labels of wine, pretending quite theatrically to be experienced connoisseurs until a waiter seats them.

 

The restaurant is dim and modern with yellow lanterns hanging down to illuminate their faces. It’s quiet, especially in the corner that they’re placed in at the back in a little booth and leather benches and Dan feels so grateful for it.

 

Phil is looking around in wonderment like he’s never seen such a nice restaurant and Dan thinks that’s definitely not true so it’s all the more flattering that he’s eliciting such a reaction just at Dan’s decision.

 

“So, usually a first date is about getting to know someone but I feel like I know you alright,” Dan jokes while Phil is still looking around happily. He fixes a napkin on his lap to do something with his hands.

 

“Oh yeah? What’s my favourite colour?” Phil challenges.

 

“Blue.”

 

“Favourite animal?”

 

“Uh, like top five? Dogs, red pandas, capybaras, hamsters, bunnies….”

 

“Okay, not bad. What’s my middle name?”

 

“Michael.”

 

“How do you know that?”

 

“Filling your employee records,” Dan snorts.

 

“I don’t know yours!”

 

“James.”

 

“We have such boring names.”

 

Dan nods, smiling fondly at Phil just as the waiter walks up. He orders a lemon water and a bottle of white wine, a random one he picks off the wine list that doesn’t hurt his wallet too much.  Phil gasps at his choice, but Dan nods the waiter away quickly.

 

“I’m spoiling you, get whatever you want,” he explains.

 

“We’ll split the bill, I’m the one with a full-time job,” Phil says.

 

“Nuh uh. I’ll be in debt so why not get more in debt?” Phil cocks his head in exasperation, but Dan quickly continues on before Phil gets too worried. “Anyway, how was work?”

 

“It was good. Just some checkups and a castration.”

 

“Lovely.”

 

Phil isn’t at the hospital, just as he decided. He did take a good position at a veterinary clinic, one close by, that still ensures he has normal hours for his pets. It’s a lovely job and he comes home surprisingly energized and happy. Dan sometimes wonders if it was the same at the shelter, but if he had to guess, the clinic is making Phil happier. More happy animals and fulfilling work with some volunteer time at another shelter for his conscience.

 

“Yeah, the cutest little pomeranian came in. And orientation? Did you find your classes?”

 

“Yeah. The arts building is pretty confusing. Psych and philosophy are there but my poli-sci classes are elsewhere. Women’s studies, too.”

 

He has a variety of socially oriented classes all planned out, a whole list of course numbers sitting on his laptop for the future. The difficulty of finding jobs with these fields isn’t lost on him, but surely some experience will help him find a path he’s passionate to take on the challenge. He hasn’t worked hard for a long time and it’s suddenly exciting to learn new things and develop himself and gain some pride in himself. His parents are proud of him, too, he can tell. Not to mention his grandma, who gushes about his decisions everytime he gets her on Facetime.

 

Graduating at 31 isn’t horrible, it’s the age that Phil is now moving on to the job he expected years ago. He’s okay. He’s finally starting to believe the people that say it’s never too late.

 

The wine comes and they cheers, clinking their glasses and smiling with their eyes over the rims of their glasses.

 

“Did you decide this on a whim?” Phil asks.

 

“The date?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“No. It was a long time coming, honestly. It was nice to plan a long time ago and then it was just waiting. Last week I decided today. I don’t know, I just really want to take the next step. I’ve been feeling happy,” Dan says. His face heats up as he speaks and he can’t seem to stop it.

 

Phil beams at him.

 

“I was journaling again and trying to write out my in the moment feelings and I really don’t want to listen to anyone else’s standards for moving on, I just want to follow how I feel. At the same time, I’m scared of moving too fast and I don’t want to jump right into anything. It’s just fun to be with you and I don’t know how much longer I would last being all platonic.”

 

“We’re not all that platonic sometimes,” Phil says.

 

“Okay, cuddling isn’t that intense, we’re platonic in a lot of other ways that I want to change.”

 

Phil smirks at him, sipping at the wine.

 

“Get your nasty head out of the gutter. I guess boundaries for things are just feeling weird and I want to be more natural. It feels like we’ve been waiting forever.”

 

“I don’t know, these few months have felt crazy fast.”

 

“I guess. Still, if we wait much longer I’m just going to run off with Jimmy or something.”

 

Phil laughs. “Shut up.”

 

“Really, though, I would wait a long time for you. And I will if things don’t seem to work out. It’s true that I just want to be able to kiss you and stay over sometimes, and—don’t look at me like that you fucker, we’re in a fancy restaurant.” Dan’s voice is jokingly scolding and Phil laughs loudly, leaning over the table a bit.

 

“Sometimes you act all edgy but you’re so cheesy,” Phil says in a coo.

 

“Shut up.”

 

The food comes soon after sending a little checklist to the kitchen, a mass of entrees to share from, sorted between them in little rectangular plates with swirls of wasabi and thin salmon to the side. Miso soup, siu mai, tempura, and more kinds of sushi than they can possibly finish are slowly brought. Dan feels endlessly grateful that it’s genuinely good, that they’re making silly inappropriate noises at each bite and finding themselves far too amusing.

 

He’s pretty sure Phil didn’t see him order multiple desserts and the face on Phil when it arrives is enough to fill Dan with overbearing contentedness. The kind of smile that wrinkles Phil’s forehead and widens his eyes in unashamed, almost childlike excitement. Dan doesn’t want to sit back and act casual and as though this date isn’t filling him with giddiness, rather he lets the happiness burst out of him with a stretching smile that he can feel popping out his dimple and making his cheeks a bit puffy.

 

He doesn’t want to be the guy that doesn’t care about things. The kind of guy that has a tolerable life that he barely gets by in with unrelenting cynicism and a pessimistic acceptance of all the shitty parts. He wants the storybook kind of idealism for the world and a chase for the things that make him happy and a love that can barely be articulated.

 

He doesn’t think Phil is the “next best thing” kind of rebound. He thinks Phil is a guy that he waited his whole life to know in some capacity, the guy with a big heart and lots of humility and some special quality that makes Dan feel understood by him. He doesn’t really know how to articulate it right now, but one day he will try to explain it to Phil.

 

Dan snatches the bill when it comes and Phil protests the whole time but Dan ignores him completely and just asks for their wine to be sealed up to go. It feels nice to do something for Phil, to have control.

 

Dan stays planted in his seat, finishing his one glass of wine as slow as he can, barely sipping at it while Phil’s second glass sits empty on the corner. He doesn't want this dinner to end because he wants to put off going home. He never stays that late at Phil’s, he knows that as the night drags on, things get more complicated, even if it’s just in an after dark skype call. For now, he wants to listen to more stupid stories of Phil’s for as long as he can.

 

They do leave eventually, though, as more people file in and create a steady volume of chatter and tinkling glasses. The sky out through the small windows has grown dim and appears red as it shines on the dark furniture. Dan feels more nervous now. They might be accustomed to dancing around their feelings in much too obvious ways but the knowledge that this is a date and the potential for more is brewing makes his palms sweat.

 

He decides he will get to Phil’s house with no expectations. He could very easily send Phil, or himself, into a panic about rushing.

 

Ariana Grande plays through the shitty speakers in his car, the offbeat singing of Phil drowning out her voice, coupled with laughter over his faulty lyric memory. It’s hard to be annoyed at Phil interrupting the music he typically needs to enjoy immersively, Phil is all he wants to listen to right now.

 

They get to Phil’s house quickly, when the sky is dimmed ever so slightly outside, casting long shadows across the road. Some of Phil’s flowers are already dying, despite his great efforts, the sun just hasn’t allowed them to stay crisp and bright, rendering them to shrivel and fall and litter the lawn with colours. Dan kind of likes the sight, the delicate pads of fallen flower and mud under his feet.

 

They walk up the cement walkway where corners of the square sidewalk are chipped away and cracks in between have been broken apart by grass slithering up from beneath. It’s like even Phil’s property is overcome with life and colours and dysfunction.

 

He’s letting his eyes wander as he follows Phil, trying to calm his nerves and remind himself that this is Phil and he has no reason to be scared. The thought that this is a long time coming doesn’t escape him, and now they’re going to be alone in his house, without the public eye of a restaurant to keep them settled and light.

 

Phil doesn’t put his key in the door and Dan is pretty sure he hasn’t even taken it out of his pocket, rather he turns at the front door to face Dan. The look on his face is peculiar for a moment, giving Dan a lurch at the cockiness and intensity before Dan realizes that Phil is playing around. He leans against the door and looks at Dan with a mischievous gaze that would look intimidatingly cocky if it were anyone else. Dan can still catch the glimmer of amusement in the wrinkles by his eyes and the twitch of his lip, though.

 

“Okay, you spoon, what is it?” Dan asks, a smile dancing on his own lips as he stops and crosses his arms in defiance.

 

"I feel very spoiled with this date. Really one of my best dates...probably ever," Phil says. Dan can tell he's trying to act casual but the nerves are apparent in his voice and the way he bounces on the pads of his feet.

 

Dan smiles. Phil's eyes dart around a bit before settling back on Dan. He takes a deep breath.

 

“Now I'm just waiting for my stereotypical date scenario, aren’t you going to give me my awkward goodbye at the front door like all the awkward teen movies?” Phil asks, letting a chuckle out. It’s horrendously endearing and somewhat comforting that Phil is finding it so amusing to joke about their scenario. Phil is nervous and so is Dan and it's strangely fun.

 

He wonders if Phil is actually tempting Dan to kiss him right now as he tries to hold eye contact. The thought sends a lurch to his stomach. It’s not a bad feeling. It reminds him of how he felt at the Christmas party, less the guilt and unfamiliarity.

 

He steps a foot forward until he’s close enough to make them a bit tense with nerves. He smirks, ignoring the flutter of his heart so he can tease Phil back.

 

“I think your mum needs you back for curfew, I’d better run instead,” he jokes. He rocks forward on his feet and takes Phil’s hand gently in his. It feels grounding to touch Phil right now. Dan swears he can hear the scratch of a dog's claw from the other side of the door.

 

Phil’s eyes break away from his for a second to look over Dan’s shoulder and he puts a cautionary hand up on Dan’s arm to stop him. His slightly surprised expression changes to a smile and he waves his hand to something behind Dan. Dan looks at him expectantly, not caring much for who or what is happening around them.

 

“My neighbour is watching us, we need to go inside before we give Mrs. Figg a heart attack,” Phil says quickly, scrambling for his key in his pocket. Dan snorts loudly, putting a hand up to his mouth to muffle his laughter. Phil’s face is red but he’s laughing a bit as he eventually pushes through the front door, knocking into something that must be an impatient puppy.

 

Dan squeezes in the small crack, careful not to step on their animal door greeters. He ignores them otherwise, lurching forward when Phil turns towards him, a huge amused smile on his face.

 

He kisses Phil before he can think better about it. The feeling knocks into his chest but he doesn’t exactly have the awareness to let the reality of this night wash over his mind. Any anxiety over his actions is held off as he sucks on Phil’s bottom lip, his hands on Phil’s cheeks to centre them. Phil leans back against the hall wall and Dan follows, leaning into Phil’s chest. He tastes the banana ice cream and a hint of the bitter wine they had.

 

He pulls back before he would choose to otherwise but a check-in seems necessary. A glance at Phil’s face, who looks surprisingly calm and content with a sparkle in his eye makes his chest flutter once more. This has been bound to happen for months but it feels surreal that it has actually happened. He doesn’t think a kiss should feel so revolutionary or new at this age but it does.

 

Phil smiles and grabs Dan’s hands still on his cheeks, squeezing his knuckles and taking them down.

 

“Awesome,” Phil says, a bit breathless and quiet.

 

“Awesome? Really Phil?” Dan laughs. Phil puts a hand up and Dan high fives him immediately.

 

“We’re stupid,” Phil says, sounding delighted. He leans forward and kisses Dan again, long and hard enough to push him back a foot. Their lips don’t fit together quite so naturally yet, but he kisses back as best he can.

 

He pulls back and Dan looks up and down at his face. They stay still for a few moments, the silence far from awkward. A dog jumps up on his calf.

 

“C’mon, take your shoes off, let’s actually get in the house,” Phil finally says, laughing like he’s giddy and shoving his shoes off with his feet. Dan nods, feeling slightly dazed, before leaning down to pet the attention deprived dogs. He takes this moment, crouched down on his knees, to listen to his heart fluttering and collect his emotions. He smiles, shaking his head and looking down so Phil can't see his face.

 

He plays with Thor’s floppy ears, scratching the fur on the sides of his cheeks and unintentionally smiling back at the permanent apparent smile on this dogs face.

 

He’s gentler with Bear, running a hand down his back, even though Bear has impressive balance now. He only falls when he chases a ball too fast and can’t stop before tumbling face first into the grass. He’s far too rambunctious for a handicapped dog, some would think.

 

The missing leg is a stare attractor out on walks but it doesn’t look all that strange to Dan anymore. His chest smooths over the spot where his front leg was, with a prominent scar already covered slightly by fur in its place. Happiness seems to radiate from Bear. He carries a toy around like a crutch all the time and crawls on their laps wherever they sit, digging his elbow into their flesh painfully as he gets bigger and bigger.

 

“I promise a big ol’ walk tomorrow guys, but for now you can go play in the backyard,” Phil says to them, patting his thigh and walking to prop the back door open.

 

He walks back to Dan with a slightly flushed face and a bright smile.

 

“What’s the plan now, huh?” Phil is flushed and his tone is different, Dan thinks he must be insinuating something. They smile at each other for a moment.

 

Dan looks around as if thinking of ideas. He doesn’t think he could excuse himself to go home even if he wanted to. His breath stutters thinking about their kiss just moments ago.

 

“Movie? That’s pretty basic, dinner and a movie, huh?” He asks, watching Phil’s face. It’s fun and familiar, but it’s also the activity that they can be comfortable and distracted with.

 

“Can we set up the pull out bed like old times?” Phil asks.

 

Dan smiles, shaking his head amusedly at the offer. They move forward and pull off the cushions, pulling up the folded mattress until it flops down on the poles of metal. The sheets from before are messily folded up from before and Phil tosses on his throw pillows.

 

They look at each other for a second before scrambling on their respective sides. Phil grabs the remote.

 

“Any preference?” Phil asks, holding the remote.

 

“I truly don’t care,” Dan says, hoping Phil understands that he’s not going to be able to pay attention to a movie. He feels quite giddy inside.

 

Phil punches in some free movie channel and tosses the remote away. He looks at Dan for a second before leaning to the side to kiss him again. He nibbles hesitantly on Dan’s lower lip and Dan bunches up his hair in his hand to encourage it. This lovely feeling is filling up in his gut and he presses closer to Phil, breathing deeply in his nose.

 

“Long time coming, huh?” Phil mutters when they pull back for a moment.

 

Dan nods, pulling back just before Phil leans in again. One of Phil’s hands is moving on his hip but he has an annoying urge to talk all of a sudden.

 

“Yeah. I suppose I’m glad it didn’t happen that night in London because it could have ruined everything, but I really wanted to kiss you ever since then,” Dan says, hoping it’s not a mistake to bring up.

 

Phil just nods. “I did too, obviously. I almost thought about giving in and doing it.”

 

“You could have convinced me, as horrible as it would have been.”

 

Phil frowns at that so Dan keeps on talking quickly.

 

“And I’ve wanted to do this for a while. It’s just as good as I expected to take the next step with you,” Dan says, looking down at Phil’s lips. He bites his own lips, trying to form words in his head before spewing out something stupid next.

 

“Yeah, Dan. This does feel right.”

 

“Do you,” Dan starts, clearing his throat and trying to unscramble his thoughts first. “Do you feel okay with all of this? I mean, do you want to stop at kissing right now?”

 

Phil hesitates. “I feel okay, Dan. I’m comfortable with you if you are with me.” His voice is quiet and steady and he looks in Dan’s eyes.

 

Dan nods, feeling his pulse throughout his body.

 

“Whatever feels right,” he mumbles, leaning in to kiss Phil again.

 

Phil’s skin is smooth and his lips soft. He leans into Dan more with every passing minute, as if they could get much closer at all. His short, stubby nails scratch at the back of Dan’s neck and he shivers with the feelings, clutching tighter onto Phil. He slips his hands around Phil’s waist and squeezes him in a hug, locking their lips together and deepening it, only a bit hesitant.

 

The mumble of the TV fades into the background along with the odd patter of dogs feet and nails on the hardwood. The smoke alarm could go off and Dan isn’t sure that he’d move.

 

After a bit of distracted consideration, he rolls on Phil, settling his weight down gently, making quick eye contact with Phil who appears to understand the check up and just nods. They sink into the mattress more than before and breathe a bit deeper. Dan runs his hands down Phil’s sides to his hips, shoving his hands under Phil’s ass. Dan hears Bear’s bark from the side of them and laughs once into Phil’s mouth, ignoring it.

 

This might feel horrendously fast on another occasion, but he’s overwhelmed with the desire for more. In fact, their movements still feel achingly slow and careful, delicate even as they bite at each other's lips and clutch at each other's skin. Phil pulls down on his face and Dan lifts his hips a bit to sneak his hands between them and unbutton Phil’s fly.

 

He hears another bark and then a weight to the side of him. He almost groans, seeing a brown figure in the peripheral, Bear on the bed, probably to try to cuddle them.

 

“I told you he can jump up now,” Phil says, excited and breathless. He shifts a bit under Dan’s weight but continues holding Dan close. Dan rolls his eyes, wondering how Phil can possibly be talking about the dog so casually right now.

 

“Great. Kick him off now.” He tries not to give attention to the dog sniffing closer to their faces.

 

“He’ll just jump back up again. And I don’t care,” Phil says, kissing Dan fervently before he can reply. Dan doesn’t really care either, he decides.

 

He kisses back hard, letting his hips roll down. Phil lets out a noise, so deep that it feels like it vibrates against his lips. It all feels so great but another bark and a whine infiltrate his thoughts and a nose is suddenly nudging at them.

 

Phil gasps. “Oh, wait! Get off of me!” He says. Dan pulls back immediately, sitting on his thighs with his eyebrows furrowed in what must look like silly resentment.

 

“What!” He demands. Phil starts to laugh but has wide eyes and a hand on his cheek.

 

“He thinks we’re hurting each other. He cried! Oh Bear, it’s okay.” Phil pets Bear, who has a tightly closed mouth and does look rather worried, if a dog can even look worried. He moves close to Phil sniffing around.

 

“This fucking dog.” Dan puts his hands on his own cheeks, letting out a loud laugh.

 

“He’s worried for us of course.” Phil keeps laughing, his face turning red.

 

Dan slouches down a bit, his eyebrows raised in amused disbelief. He pets the dog until his tail begins to rise from his back legs.

 

“So, uh, we should go to the bedroom?” Phil asks, looking between the two of them.

 

Dan nods, looking down at Phil, his clothes all twisted around and stretched at the buttons, before crawling off and putting his hand out.

 

“Please, no pets in there right now. No audience while we hook up,” Dan says, his voice in a faux whine.

 

Once Phil gets his balance standing up, Dan pulls him backwards by his belt loops and Phil stares up and down at him with a suddenly dazed expression.

  
“We’re really doing this, then?” Phil asks.

 

“If you want? I kind of want to suck you off,” Dan mumbles, pulling Phil faster.

 

“Yep, mhm, that’s fine,” Phil says quickly, his voice high pitched. He walks quickly and then pushes Dan so they barge in through the bedroom door. He then turns back to lean down and pat the head of Bear who is following them curiously. He closes the door, leaving them alone.

 

Dan crawls on the bed, staring up and down at Phil, at his messy quiff and twisted shirt, at the open, bulging pants and even the stupid fucking rainbow coloured socks as though he can't believe this is happening.

 

"We're okay, then?" Phil asks, shuffling forward.

 

"Yeah. Come here, please."

 

 

***

 

 

Phil has a big, panelled window that looks out to the backyard, branches from the big willow tapping at the glass every time the wind picks up. The leaves haven't turned orange yet but a few have fallen and littered the ground with the soon passing summer. The sun streams through and brightens the whole room, and the ferns on the windowsill create long shadows on the wall of sprouting leaves and pretty pots. It's a pretty room, with his favourite board games and books and pictures of his family and pets. 

 

It's morning. They fell asleep late and woke up in twisted sheets. The dogs are restless in the bed and it’s a few minutes until their walk time but it’s far too hard to leave the soft cocoon of blankets. Dan has never slept in this bedroom before, with the bright duvet and comfy mattress and pretty posters along the wall. It’s small with the dogs but he doesn’t need much room with Phil’s legs curled up under his.

 

Phil is nibbling at his neck and his own eyes are closed, trying not to think about how they have to get up. He’s trying not to think hard about last night either, touching Phil nor Phil returning the favour, because he can’t get too riled up. Phil already seems to be taking advantage of his sensitive spots, though.

 

Thor licks at his face and it’s weird that they’re here but the dysfunctionality is somehow the most endearing thing he can imagine right now.

 

His skin is heating up after spending all night under the covers and Phil’s hands are lovely and cold against him, so gentle and nice. He wants to suck up the smells and the feelings and enjoy every minute. He feels excited.

 

School starts in a few days and he’s excited, even if he won’t be able to see Phil all the time. This relationship is making him excited, how he’ll be able to explore Phil in new ways every time he’s over here and chase these long missed butterflies he suddenly has. He’s excited to see this annoying little puppy grow into a lanky, handicapped Great Dane and he’s excited to feel a bit like an owner, too.

 

His life feels exciting, like he’s finally doing what he should. He wants to hang onto these things forever and change all the things that make him dread the day. He wants to chase this passion he’s suddenly found.

 

He shifts away, laying down parallel to look at Phil. This close up he can see Phil's eyes better than ever. Saying he has pretty blue eyes feels like some kind of lie. Gold is shining prominently in the splashes of sunlight, between lovely green and blue twinges of texture. He doesn't get his words out for a few moments.

 

“I’ll get you off if we can skip the morning walk,” Dan mutters.

 

“Pfft. Don’t start thinking I’ll choose you over my puppies. Up,” Phil smacks his chest lightly and sits up with a satisfied smile on his face.

 

Dan groans but he can’t wipe his smile off to commit to his annoyance.

 

“After. We have lots of time,” Phil says, smirking. Dan stares up at him, surprised to find Phil looking so pretty in the sunlight. It doesn’t feel like he could ever get used to seeing him like this.

 

Dan feels like things are going to be okay. He feels happy right now, truly and wholeheartedly content. He pushes himself up slowly, wrapping his arms around Bear to lift him down from the bed.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys have enjoyed this story! Thank you to everyone who has given it a read. Come talk to me on [Tumblr](http://det395.tumblr.com) (or [reblog](http://det395.tumblr.com/post/177722658367/antisocialites-watch-a-wilting-flower)) if you'd like <3 any feedback appreciated!


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